happiness genie for your kids?

The One Thing Every Parent Wants
By Dr. Robert Holden
Original Content | December 11, 2009


"If I could wish for one thing in my life, it would be that my children grow up happy," says Diane, a mother of two girls, ages 6 and 2. Diane is not alone. A research study conducted in 67 countries interviewed parents from diverse cultures, faiths and income levels about what they most wished for their children. The number one answer, by a long shot, was happiness. Every parent wants his or her child to be happy. If you are a parent, you know how true this is. Unconditional love is only interested in happiness.

In my happiness course, Be Happy, I give my participants a test called The Happiness Genie for Kids. The idea is that a genie appears in your life and offers you a series of wishes you can make on your children's behalf. Each wish is a forced choice. For example, "I wish my child has wealth or happiness." In the last course, 100 percent of parents chose happiness over wealth; 95 percent chose happiness over academic excellence; 95 percent chose happiness over fame; and 90 percent chose happiness over success.

We know what we want for our children, but how do we do it? Well, first it's important to understand that you cannot make your children happy. That said, there is plenty you can do to encourage them to be happy. The distinction between making and encouraging is a vital one. Parents who believe they can make their children happy are prone to making other mistakes like trying too hard to be a good parent, intervening too much, being overcontrolling and believing they always know what's best for their children.

In adult-to-adult relationships, when a person makes it their mission to make their partner or friend happy, they usually end up disappointed, in unhealthy sacrifice and in a role (full-time employment, more like) as a helper. Similarly, if you believe it is your partner/friend's job to make you happy, you will also be disappointed. What's true for adult-to-adult relationships is also true for parent-child relationships. True happiness isn't something you manufacture for others; it exists in their spiritual DNA already. What you can do is offer encouragement to help bring their happiness out.

Practically everything we do as parents is motivated by a desire to see our children be happy. The good news is that there is much you can do to encourage them to discover true happiness for themselves. Every day, in each moment, you can offer essential encouragement through your loving presence, your own example and your steadfast support. As you encourage your children to be happy, you may notice that something else happens, which is that you become happier too.

5 keys to your child's happiness

Your Happiness Is a Gift

Debra was 27 years old and six months pregnant when she attended one of my happiness courses. When it was Debra's turn to tell the class why she was taking the course, she said, "I believe the best contribution I can make to my baby's well-being is for me to learn how to be truly happy." I remember seeing a room full of people nodding and smiling at having heard a profound truth.

You are your child's first teacher. They will learn essential lessons from you on how to be happy and how not to be happy. Your primary teaching device is your example. Children learn best of all by example; far better than any wise words you might say. Remind yourself, therefore, as often as possible, "My happiness is a gift to others." When you are happy in your own skin, it helps you to relax, to connect, to be intimate and to give yourself unconditionally. Your happiness makes you fun to be around. It brings out the best in you.

Enjoying Being a Parent

When people ask me what it's like being a parent, I tell them that every day is an epic, there are no days off, it takes everything you've got and it's the most enjoyable thing I've ever done . Parenting is full of challenges, and one of the biggest challenges is to not lose sight of the joy of being a parent. When you make a conscious intention to enjoy being a parent, it helps you to be present, to engage fully, to be truly grateful, to see the humor of it all and to be resilient in the tough times.

"Enjoy your baby. They grow up so fast." I've heard this advice a thousand times at least, and I thought I understood what everyone was telling me, but I had no idea just how fast the time goes. It's true that some days can feel like a week, but all of the days quickly turn into weeks, months and years. Asking yourself a question like, "How can I enjoy being a parent today?" can help you make parenting more creative, rewarding and fun along the way and not just in retrospect. The intention to enjoy yourself has magical powers. In old English, the word "enjoy" means "to bring joy."

What you can learn from your children

What You Can Learn from Your Children

An author who is writing a book about happiness interviewed me recently. During our conversation, he asked me, "Generally speaking, how would you teach a child to be happy?" I started to say a few words, but quickly realized I didn't have a proper answer. The next day, having thought it through, I e-mailed him this response: "I wouldn't teach them anything; I'd let them teach me." One of the greatest gifts we can give children is our 100 percent trust that they will work out how to be happy. Happiness is natural to children, and the best thing we can do is not get in the way too much.

Children are great teachers. Being a parent is a chance for us to grow up and become the person we were born to be. Being a parent is also a chance for us to remember to be young again, innocent, playful and full of wonder. Most mornings, I am woken up by Bo, my gorgeous 2 3/4-year-old daughter, who is always fizzing with energy. "Daddy, it's the day!" she says. "Let's have some fun." What a wonderful invitation. Often the sun has yet to come up, but how can I resist? Like my daughter, I too learn by example—and my daughter is a great teacher of happiness to me.

Expressing "I Love You"

One of the most common causes of unhappiness in adults is an unhappy childhood. What makes a childhood unhappy can vary enormously. That said, a common story I hear in my workshops and one-to-one sessions is from adults like Judy, who says: "My parents worked hard to pay the rent, to put food on the table and to clothe us properly. They took care of our physical needs, but I didn't feel met emotionally by them." Judy doesn't mean to sound ungrateful; she is simply acknowledging that young children are hungry for love.

Parenting is about love in action. As a parent, you know deep down that everything you do for your children, you do for love. That you love your children is not in question. That said, a good question to ask yourself is, "How can I love my children today?" Put another way, "How can I express my love so that he/she feels loved?" Remembering to say "I love you" is a great start, and after that you can set about discovering a thousand more ways to say "I love you" without using the words. Always communicate your love, both with and without words. Why? Because love is the most fun you can have with anyone. And because in the final analysis, to love is to be happy.

Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC TV documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. For more information, visit RobertHolden.org and BeHappy.net.


MY THOUGHTS

A happiness genie for your kids! well, it seems to be a happiness genie for the parents, too. when your kids are happy, then you're supposed to be the same way. I think the hardest part is letting go, realizing their lives our separate from your own. take note of the word encourage. we cannot make anyone happy. we can only provide the environment where they could be happy. and rememeber that happiness is a state of mind. When they appreciate that you bought from rustan's the same way they appreciate a gift you bought from a tiangge, then i shoiuld say, you're on the right track.

How to tell if you child is coping with anxiety

Is Your Child Stressed?
How to tell if you child is coping with anxiety - - and what you can do to help
By Katherine Lee, About.com Guide

As with adults, children respond differently to stress depending on their individual personalities and coping skills. Younger grade-schoolers may not be able to fully explain their feelings whereas older kids may be able to say exactly what’s bothering them and why (though that’s no guarantee that they’ll share that information with mom or dad).

Keep an eye out for signs that something is bothering your child. She may complain of stomach aches or headaches. She may insist that nothing’s bothering her but display behavioral changes such as moodiness, a short temper or clinginess. She may develop a nervous habit, such as nail biting. If the problem is with something at school, she may tell you that she doesn’t want to go.

Some Common Causes of Childhood Stress:

Big changes in the family. This can include divorce, moving, or even the birth of a new sibling. These seismic shifts can rock your grade-schooler’s world and turn it upside down. Major life changes can shake your child’s sense of security, and make her feel confused and anxious. A new sibling can make her feel threatened and jealous.

Overly-packed schedule. If your child is constantly running from one activity to another, she may feel stressed, especially if she’s the kind of kid who needs some quiet downtime to herself every once in a while.

Self-inflicted pressure. Many grade-schoolers can experience anxiety about wanting to do well in school. They may want to fit in with other kids and be liked. Self-generated pressure is particularly common in children who are afraid of making mistakes or not being good at something.

Stress caused by something at school. Bullies or cliques can become an issue once kids enter grade-school. Even if she isn’t being bullied, the pressure to fit in and be popular can feel overwhelming for a young child.

How Can You Help?

Don’t dismiss her feelings. Telling her not to worry about her fears may only make her feel like she’s doing something wrong by feeling anxious. Let her know it’s okay to feel bad about something, and encourage her to share her emotions and thoughts.

Listen. You know enormously comforting it can be just to have someone listen when something’s bothering you. Do the same thing for your child. If she doesn’t feel like talking, let her know you are there for her. Just be by her side and remind her that you love her and support her.

Offer comfort and distraction. Try to do something she enjoys, like playing a favorite game or cuddling in your lap and having you read to her, just as you did when she was younger. When the chips are down, even a 10-year-old will appreciate a good dose of parent TLC.

Get her outside. Exercise can boost mood, so get her moving. Even if it’s just for a walk around the block, fresh air and physical activity may be just what she needs to lift her spirits and give her a new perspective on things.

Stick to routines. Balance out any changes by trying to maintain as much of her regular routine as possible. Try to stick to her regular bedtime and mealtimes, if possible.

Keep her healthy. Make sure she’s eating right and getting enough sleep. Not getting enough rest or eating nutritious meals at regular intervals can contribute to your child’s stress. If she feels good, she’ll be better equipped to work through whatever is bothering her.

MY THOUGHTS

How would we know if we don't try to find out? If we think stress is only for adults, this artilce will surely be an eye opener.I think mostly it's over packed schedules. We think we're doing these kids a great favor by not having any respite from activities. Time to take stock. To me the greatest pressure was the very very high expectations of parents. They are kids. And they are not supposed to be filling up for their parents' broken dreams. Ligthen up!