For New Grandparents

What New Grandparents Need to Know

Ten Suggestions for Grandparents-to-be

By Susan Adcox, About.com Guide

Your career as a grandparent begins even before your grandchild is born. From the moment when you get the good news, your actions and reactions matter. These ten suggestions for new grandparents will earn you the gratitude of the expectant parents and pave the way for a great relationship with your grandchild.

Smile when you get the news. When the expectant parents share the good news with you, act pleased, even if you are concerned about issues such as finances. Be sure to inquire before telling anyone else, and let the parents be the ones to tell close friends and relatives. If the couple would like to wait a bit before announcing the news to others, respect their wishes and don’t tell their secret.

Let them do it their way. The expectant parents may choose a home birth when you would have opted for a hospital, or decide not to invite anyone into the delivery room when you were hoping to be present. No matter how you feel about their choices, don’t question them. Your future relationship with your child and your grandchild may depend upon your being supportive of their decisions.

Emphasize the positive. Tell funny and sweet stories about your experiences with your own babies. Stories about his or her own babyhood will probably especially interest the expectant parent. Never tell horror stories about your birthing experiences.

Be understanding of the mother-to-be. Expectant mothers are often very centered on what is happening with their bodies and their lives. If your daughter or daughter-in-law seems uninterested in your activities and thoughts, accept that this is a natural stage. She will regain her interest in the wider world some time after she gives birth. After the birth, be alert for signs of post-partum depression or any persistent sadness.

Go easy on the shopping. Pick up a few minor things and gauge the reaction. Some expectant parents welcome all contributions; others would prefer to make most of the choices about clothing and equipment themselves. For the latter type, a baby registry at the local baby store or a wish list posted online is a good option. If there is going to be a baby shower, work with the parents to make it fun and successful.

Hold off on major decisions. Don’t make dramatic changes in your own life in anticipation of being a grandparent. Don’t quit your job or plan to move until you see how much you are going to be needed and wanted in your grandchild’s life. Don't agree to provide full-time child care without considering the decision carefully.

Do help out, but don’t overdo it. Especially at the end of the pregnancy and right after the birth, the new parents will need some assistance, but don’t do too much. The mother or father who comes for a visit and insists on working the whole time is sending a message to the expectant parents that they can’t adequately take care of their own needs.

Put doubts about the spouse on hold. If you have misgivings about your son or daughter’s mate, try to overcome them. That person is going to be your grandchild’s parent. Give the spouse a chance to prove his or her worthiness in this new role.

Be prepared to share. Remember that in most families there is another set of grandparents (and sometimes two or three sets!). If you’ve not been sociable with the other family, you might want to plan a social occasion to get to know them better before the new baby arrives. Use diplomacy in handling possible conflicts over grandparent names. Communicate with the other grandparents to coordinate visits. A little planning and discussion before the birth will keep the new parents from being overrun with grandparents immediately after the birth.

Make peace with your ex. If you are divorced from your child’s father or mother, you may need to prepare to share grandparenting honors with your ex. This potentially ticklish situation can go smoothly if you plan ahead and prepare yourself mentally. You will probably have to be in each other’s presence upon occasions such as the grandchild’s birthday, so why not start by being cordial before the birth?

My Thoughts

Did you notice the first two words in the article? "Your career".  Grandparenting is serious business and the tips in these articles appear to be useful.  Two things stood out (for me):  be supportive but back-off.  Know when you're needed and when you're not.  Know when to be there and when to make yourself scarce.

Honestly, I still can't relate.  But I do have very fond memories of my own grandparents.  So, I guess, when the time comes I'd find myself enjoying the new role - or the new career.

How to Discipline a Teenager

Discipline: Logical and Natural Consequences

Consequences in Discipline with Teens

By Denise Witmer, About.com Guide

Teens learn about consequences in childhood, from the day they were born. Consequences are outcomes - negative or positive - of a person's action. By their nature, they gauge our behavior because we as humans strive for positive outcomes or consequences or we try our best to avoid negative outcomes and behaviors. When dealing with discipline and teens, there are two types of consequences that you'll need to be concerned with: natural and logical. Both of these types can be positive or negative. To help you get a handle of what each type means, I'll define them and give both a positive and negative example.

Natural consequences occur naturally, hence the name. They are not controlled or manipulated by anyone, they simply just happen but are not always a surprise. When you plant a flower in your garden and take care of it, it grows. That is a positive example of natural consequences. When you put your finger in an electric socket, you get a shock. That is an example of negative natural consequences. Note that natural consequences happen whether you know what the outcome will be or not and you cannot control what the outcome will be.

Logical consequences are situations engineered by the person in authority and they are logically connected to the wrong. It is logical because it "fits" the offense. For example, if your teen breaks curfew, they aren't allowed out the next night or you can tighten the curfew by making it one hour earlier. If they don't eat dinner, they don't get dessert. These are examples of negative logical consequences. Setting up a reward system for good grades and giving the reward when the grade is obtained is an example of a positive logical consequence.

Deciding Between Natural or Logical Consequences

When parents want their children to learn from their mistakes, they have the choice of allowing the child to deal with the natural consequences or set up logical consequences. But how do you choose between the two types of consequences? When is one more effective than the other?
When natural consequences are immediate they are very effective. If your teen touches a hot pot, they will get burned and is not likely to do that again. Many times, however, natural consequences are not immediate or are too dangerous to allow. Running into the street without looking does not always have immediate consequences. Either does not wearing a seat belt when driving. Both actions, though, could have dire natural consequences in the future that no one wants. Therefore, the natural consequences aren't what a parent should use to teach their teen the responsibility of their own safety and it is up to the parents to sort out a logical consequence that will promote the desired behavior - in this instance not running into the street without looking or wearing a seat belt.

Another instance of when logical consequences will be more effective than natural consequences is while your teen is getting a high school education. The benefits of good grades in school are so far off into the future that teens do not fully comprehend them, if they pay attention to them at all. While your teen can repeat what they have been told: 'good grades will get you into a good college and you'll make more money', until they see the type of job or paycheck a college education can get, they will not understand the difference. Logical consequences, including rewards for good grades and privileges taken for poor grades work best as your teen can fully understand these.

There are times when the natural consequence is the better choice for the parent to make. One excellent example is when your teen is dating or making friends. Finding out what type of person your teen wants to be with and how your teen wants to be treated is going to be their choice. Dating or making friends with someone who isn't their type is going to show that to them. Barring any mistreatment from a friend or a date, parents will need to hold their tongue and refrain from giving their opinions in order to let the natural consequences - positive or negative - happen.
Discipline choices are never easy. Hopefully knowing the difference between natural and logical consequences will help you make the right choices for you and your teen. For more, read about clear communication in discipline here.

My Thoughts

I look back at my teen years and I know how hard hard it is for parents. To strike a balance between freedom and discipline is never easy. 

I look at the teenagers in the family and I can see that there's really not much difference between what they are going through now and what we went through years ago.  It's the same banana.  Only, this time, parent have more resources to explore and utilize.  There's the web full of articles on parenting.  There are books.  There are seminars.

I feel sad when I still see parents today who deal with their teenagers in much the same way our parents dealt with us.  It doesn't have to be hit and miss now.  Parenting can be learned.  The consequences of not learning can be awfully damaging.  It's going to be harder to make repairs.

The Handwriting On The Wall

The Handwriting On The Wall

Sometimes in the chaos, challenges and inconveniences in our lives, it is possible to miss the smallest message with the biggest impact! The following poem can remind us to look for the messages, not the messes, on the wall.

The Handwriting On The Wall

A weary mother returned from the store, lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.

"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."

She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, "Where is your little brother right now?" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride she marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.

She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear -- he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved about the expensive wallpaper.

Lamenting all the work it would take to repair. She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!

She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.

Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, with an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, "Take time to read the handwriting on the wall."

Author unknown

Affirmation for the Week:

"When I am calm and attentive, I am able to receive the powerful messages in my life!"

Have a listening, attentive week!

Mary Rau-Foster

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Mary's book "Motivating Moments" makes a great gift for you, your family and your friends. This 211 page book, with illustrations, is a guaranteed morale booster, as well as thought provoking and inspirational. To learn more and to order online, visit www.motivatingmomentsbook.com or www.workplaceissues.com/motivatingmomentsbook.htm
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Mary Rau-Foster www.workplaceissues.com
Fostering great communication and cooperation in the workplace.
Foster Seminars and Communications LLC, Brentwood TN 37027 USA

MY THOUGHTS

Last Sunday's message at Christ's Commission Fellowship was about building relationships within families. It talked about 3 Cs - connect, communicate, compliment. Connecting is spending time with your kids-doing things that they want to do, eating (with them) food that they want to eat. Communicating is all about global listening-hearing even the things that are not said. Complimenting is, quite obviously, building-up rather than finding fault. Sounds easy. But it isn't. Especially when you can't make yourself calm and attentive.

HEY MOM! TIME TO GET UP

Q&A - How Can I Become a Punctual Person?
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 11, 2008

Q: I am 33 years old and have a 3-year-old son. I cannot get up in the mornings, I’m always late and I procrastinate all the time. I need to find motivation. Do you know of a good plan that might help? Do you think this could be hereditary? I need to break the cycle!

-Audra B.

A: Hi Audra,

I remember this issue very well with my younger brother when we were growing up. He didn’t like getting up early either, and as a result, it always created stress and chaos in our daily morning departure to school. My mother used to recite that old motivational phrase in a constant attempt to change his behavior: The early bird gets the worm. Unfortunately, my brother didn’t like worms, so that motivation didn’t seem to get the job done. As was the case with my brother, Audra, my guess is this has nothing to do with your DNA. You say that you can’t get up in the mornings, and I’m willing to bet that it’s more likely you won’t get up in the mornings. I believe the cause is habit, and it can definitely be changed!

First, I suggest you see your doctor to eliminate any physical reasons, but as I said earlier, I think this is more of a bad habit than anything else. With that said, I do have “a plan” for you to try that just may do the trick. I suggest you read This Kitchen Is Under New Management, a concept I developed. Even though the article is directed at weight loss, it will help you understand the basic premise of my suggestion. In short, you need a new manager running your morning wake-up program because the old manager just isn’t getting the job done. If you can perform the mental gymnastics necessary to give this imagery idea a real try, I think you will find a responsible woman inside you who understands the importance of getting up early and being on time. You will also create more calm in your morning routine and provide a valuable life lesson about change and responsibility for your son in the process! And if I do say so myself, at 33, it’s about time!

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

Got a question? Ask Dr. Sklare

MY THOUGHTS

Exactly! It's just a bad habit. A very bad habit. Especially if you're a mom and you have kids depending on you.

THIS FAMILY IS UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

This Kitchen Is Under New Management
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 13, 2005

For those of you who are working to create a healthier life and fitter body, the challenges are many. But the challenge becomes even more difficult if you happen to live in a house where you are also the one who is responsible for preparing the meals. Particularly if you happen to be a parent and your family doesn’t share your desire for low-fat cooking and healthier living. So, if you are looking for a healthier lifestyle for you and you want to bring your family along for the ride, I have a suggestion that will help you put them on notice!

Sit them all down and tell them that you are going to be changing a few things around here. Let them know that you are going to be cooking healthy foods for them because you love them and care about the entire family’s health. And, since you are in charge of preparing meals, you are going to start taking the responsibility more seriously. Put a sign in your kitchen that reads, “This Kitchen Is Under New Management,” and start taking charge in your house when it comes to healthy living. Show them the way today and they will all thank you later!

Wishing You Great Health!
Dr. John H. Sklare

MY THOUGHTS

It's your kitchen. Your family. You have every right (and responsibility) to manage it. And manage it well. Maybe you should change the sign to "This Family is Under New Management".

HOW TO TEACH KIDS TABLE MANNERS

Etiquette and Kids: How To Teach Good Table Manners

By Stacey Bradford | Jan 31, 2011


I’m embarrassed to admit this but my daughter has atrocious table manners. She can’t sit still for more than a few minutes. Not so long ago, she even went through a doggie phase where she pretended that she was a puppy and ate her meals at our feet. Now that my little girl is officially five-years-old, I’ve decided this behavior must stop.

How do I transform my jumping bean into a well-mannered young lady? In the past I probably would have thrown some money at the problem and enrolled her in etiquette classes. Here in New York City that costs around $200 for four hours of training. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past five years it’s that cash rarely solves problems when the real issues stem from a lack of firm parenting.

So I decided to call Cindy Post Senning, an etiquette expert with The Emily Post Institute, for some guidance on table manners. I wanted to know what I can realistically expect from a five-year-old and what tips she could provide me on how to teach young children to behave properly during meals. Here’s her advice:

Table Manners 101

Believe it or not, by the time a child reaches the age of five he should be able to sit at the table for 20 to 30 minutes, participate in dinner conversation, hold his utensils properly and chew with his mouth closed, says Senning.

Wow, I didn’t realize just how refined a five-year-old can be. Now the question is how I go about changing my child’s mealtime habits to be more inline with other young children’s manners. According to Senning, I should simply explain that the time has come to learn proper table etiquette. Then, since kids like rewards, I should consider offering a small bribe. In my daughter’s case, Senning recommends telling my little girl that once she can sit at the table for 25 minutes she can have her best friend over for dinner. To jump start the process, I may even up the ante and offer a real tea party.

During the transformation period, I think it’s important to set some realistic expectations for your child. I told my daughter, for example, that we will start off with her sitting at the table for 10 minutes and slowly work our way up to half an hour. Then once she is no longer walking around the house during dinner, I can start refining some of her other habits.

Senning also believes table manners are best taught when families eat together. But that doesn’t mean that you must have a formal dinner every night. A handful of group meals throughout a week should be enough to cement some good habits.

Finally, parents need to make an effort and engage their kids during dinner. While you don’t have to converse about super heroes and princesses, it would be helpful to ask about school or what happened at the playground. (Asking what made your child laugh at circle time is always a good conversation starter.) Mothers and fathers should also share something about their day, but they need to make sure to explain the details in a way little ones can understand.

Table manners, of course, are more complex than just sitting through dinner and learning to chew with one’s mouth closed. So I have to admit that there may come a time when I do invest in etiquette lessons. But I think that day won’t come until my little girl is in high school. In the meantime, I’ll try my best to lead by example and make sure to keep a copy of Emily Post’s Table Manners for Kids handy.

MY THOUGHTS

may i add that TV should be banned during mealtimes. mealtimes are the best times for nice, easy conversations with the kids. and if you're training them on table manners, i don't think TV will help.

AN ALTERNATIVE TO NAGGING

GIVING TIMELY FEEDBACK (An alternative to 'NAGGING")
from the aricle "How to Give Feedback That Works"
By Kimberly Weisul | February 11, 2011

Every manager (and parent) knows that constructive feedback is key to improving performance. But what makes the feedback most effective? It turns out timing is almost everything.

Here are key Principles:

Reserach Findings:

- Giving people feedback after a “short delay”– shortly after they completed a task–actually improved performance more than offering up the same feedback immediately. Wait too long, though, and the feedback again becomes useless.

- Immediate feedback prevents people from learning from their mistakes. Those who got feedback right away were least likely to keep exploring on their own.

- Wait before offering advice. Waiting a short time before offering advice seemed to give the individual a chance to learn on their own, and then to incorporate the advice.

- Wait too long after the task is completed, and the feedback seems to fall on deaf ears. They seemed to find the information more confusing than helpful.

- Feedback given at the ‘wrong’ moment is pretty much pointless. Those who got help immediately and those who got it after a long delay were more likely to say they did not get enough information to complete the maze.

When do you typically give people feedback–or when have you received feedback? What time works best for you?

MY THOUGHTS

originally, i was planning to post this under 'workplace communication'. on hind sight, it seems to be helpful tips for giving feedback at home, too. in fact, parents and older relatives should try to apply this principle when dealing with the younger generation. no wonder all our well-meaning 'talks' keep falling on deaf ears! out timingis probably off most of the time.