Talking to Your Kids About Sex

10 Tips on Talking to Your Kids About Sex


New data shows teen STD and pregnancy rates are rising. Here’s how to help lower your child’s risk.
By: Karen Springen


The news is unsettling for parents of young girls: A new report from the Guttmacher Institute finds that for the first time in more than a decade, teen pregnancy rates are climbing again. The researchers calculated that more than seven percent of teen girls between 15 and 19 became pregnant in 2006, a three-percent increase over the previeous year. Separate data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates the rate rose another one percent in 2007 (the most recent year that data is available).

That comes on the heels of a CDC study published in the journal Pediatrics in December 2009 that concluded one in four teenaged girls in the U.S. has a sexually transmitted infection. The CDC also found that 15- to 19-year-old girls had the largest number of chlamydia and gonorrhea cases last year compared to every other age group.

Here are 10 tips to help make sure your child doesn't become one of those scary statistics:

1. Start young. If your preschooler asks where babies come from, don’t tell them a stork story. “Explain that men have sperm and women have eggs, and the sperm and the egg get together, and that can form into a baby,” says Mark Schuster, professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School and co-author of Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex But Were Afraid They’d Ask. That helps set the stage for later conversations about sex and pregnancy.

2. Help them set boundaries. Even at an early age, it’s important to discuss “good touch, bad touch”—or what’s appropriate and what’s not, says pediatrician Elizabeth Alderman of Children’s Hospital of Montefiore. Make it clear that your kids should come to you if anyone makes them uncomfortable or behaves inappropriately around them. That can also help lay the groundwork for talking to your daughter later about not feeling pressured to have sex. “Then your child knows, ‘I can talk about these sorts of things with mom or with dad,’” says Dr. Justin Richardson, co-author of Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex But Were Afraid They’d Ask.

3. Prepare them for puberty. “You do not want your daughter bleeding and not knowing what it is,” says Schuster. Explain to her what menstruation is and that once she gets her period she can also get pregnant. And if your son hasn’t heard about wet dreams, he may think he has peed in his bed, he says. Explaining the changes his body is going through also gives you the opportunity to talk to him about the consequences of sex.

4. Remember that not talking about sex doesn’t mean they won’t have it. Seven percent of high school students say they had vaginal intercourse before they turned 13, according to the CDC. A third of ninth graders say they have had it. “A lot of parents don’t want to talk to their kids about sex for fear that if they talk about it, they give permission to have it,” says Ben Siegel, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ committee on the psychosocial aspects of child and family health. To avoid that, make sure you're clear about the risks that come with having sex.

5. Give them information, but let them know where you stand. Child psychiatrist Elizabeth Berger, author of Raising Kids with Character, says parents should feel comfortable giving their kids the firm message that “sex is for grown-ups.” Even if you’re talking to your kids about the importance of using protection, you can preface it by stating that you don’t support them having sex. “Tell them ‘I’d like you to postpone having sex, but if you are going to have it, use a condom and other birth control’,” says Siegel.

6. Skip “The Talk.” It puts too much pressure on everyone. Instead, sprinkle information about sexuality throughout your child’s life, says Lynda Madaras, author of books like What’s Happening to My Body? Ask your child about what she knows and what she’s heard. Take advantage of “teachable moments.” If there’s a news story about a celebrity teen who is pregnant, for example, use it as an opportunity to bring up the topic and the consequences of having unprotected sex. A car ride can be a good time to chat since your kids don’t need to make eye contact with you and feel embarrassed.

7. Don’t talk down to them. When your child asks a question involving sex, avoid telling them they’re “too young” to talk about the subject or punting to the other parent, says Schuster. Be honest with them and treat their questions seriously. You want them to feel comfortable about approaching you with any concerns or questions they have in the future too. “If we don’t answer when they’re young, when they’re teenagers, they will have learned not to come to us,” he says.

8. Use specific language. Everyone’s heard of the birds and the bees. But when it comes to explaining sex to kids in middle school or older, skip the euphemisms. “Sex is a very ambiguous term. We need to use very precise language,” says Schuster. Explain “vaginal,” “oral” or “anal” sex and that all three can spread diseases. (It’s OK to wait until high school age to bring up anal sex, he says. Phew.) Since girls, and now boys, can get the HPV vaccine as young as age nine, that’s also an opportunity to explain what it is and why they need it. (The shot protects against the four most common strains of HPV, which is the most widespread STD among teen girls and can cause cervical cancer.)

9. Explain what contraception can and can’t do. Let your kids know that while hormonal methods like the Pill prevent pregnancy, condoms protect against disease, says Montefiore’s Alderman. Unfortunately, the data seems to indicate that many of those who are sexually active at a young age use only one or neither. According to the study in Pediatrics, one in five girls who reported having only one lifetime sex partner already had a sexually transmitted infection. According to the CDC, only 16 percent of sexually active teens reported that they or their partner had used birth control pills to prevent pregnancy. (Sixty-one percent said they or their partner had used a condom during last sexual intercourse. But experts say teens should use both.)

10. Forget the scare tactics. “No kid is going to believe us at a certain point if all we do is talk about disease and pregnancy and sex is bad,” says Schuster. “I don’t think we want them terrified. We want them informed.” Don’t feel compelled to start your talks with warnings of STDs. “We want to be careful that the first conversations we have with our kids are not about disease and death,” says Madaras. Instead, even with the youngest kids, let them talk about their goal--whether it’s to open a beauty parlor or become a doctor—and explain how getting pregnant or sick could hamper their plans. Focus on their dreams, says Madaras, and they’re much less likely to put their future, or their health, at risk.

MY THOUGHTS

It's a good thing I don't have kids. This can be really chanllenging for moms and dads!