LESSONS FOR A SON

Lessons for a son, just in case
By Jonathan Comey
First Person
January 23, 2011 12:00 AM

I had fairly major surgery a few months ago and, in the nights before the procedure, my mind naturally turned to all of the complications that could ensue.

Especially what I privately referred to, in my own dark way, as the "ultimate complication."

With these thoughts came other thoughts, mostly about my son. When I was a boy, I'd sometimes happen across sealed letters from my mother with my name written on the front. I was told that these were in the event of "¦ well, in the event of ultimate complications.

I never had the urge to read these letters, and scoffed at them in my blissful ignorance, but as the date of that surgery neared 30 years later, I understood my mom completely. Most of raising a child is a mix of maintenance and mischief, but the goal of every parent is for their kids to grow up with a set of values that will serve them well, values that will give them a chance at success, happiness and understanding.

And so, for the first time, I asked myself: What did I want to teach my son about the world if, by chance, I was no longer in it?

Be kind to other people.

Be loyal and cautious. Never stop having fun.

Enjoy all different types of weather. Stay up late during a blizzard or a thunderstorm or a hot summer's night, watch the sky and mull over the meaning of it all.

Always remember that as an American you were born luckier, freer, healthier and more privileged than almost all of the people on earth. It might not always seem so, but most don't have what you take for granted.

Eat anything you want as long as it's in moderation. This is better for you physically and mentally. Don't drink too much. Drugs and cigarettes are very hard to quit and you will eventually want to quit them in the worst way. Don't start.

Try not to judge others. Everyone is shaped by their environment and genetics in ways they can't control. Look for the best parts of people.

Be friendly to older people. They love it. It restores their faith in humanity.

Wear your seatbelt, and never drive drunk. Be a designated driver for others.

The true joy of life is bringing joy to others. Sometimes this can feel like a burden, but it's worth it.

Don't let your friendships fall apart. Once you've made a friend, they feel kinship with you for life, whether they try to keep it alive or not. This also sometimes feels like a burden, but is worth it.

Don't dwell on what should be. Deal with what is and how to make the most of it.

Don't be afraid to commit to love. Focus on what you love about your spouse and not what you don't. Accept that monogamy is difficult.

Don't sweat politics. You can't change the system, and you don't really know what's going on anyway. Put your trust in the people who seem the most real, and hope for the best.

Stay away from war at all costs. Do not join the fight unless the cause is so blindingly just that you have no other choice. Support your country at all times. Don't bash the president. He or she is doing the best they can.

Enjoy as many different types of music, movies and games as you can. There's something wonderful in all of it.

You're never quite as good at things as you think you are, but that's OK. Shooting high usually produces a good result, even if it leaves you feeling unfulfilled.

Grandparents are special in ways that your parents aren't. Let them spoil you, but never be ungrateful.

Don't keep secrets. It's hard to tell the truth sometimes, but secrets make you feel worse.

Be really careful on bicycles and in cars. They are super dangerous.

There is some type of higher power, but I don't know what it is. The unknown can be scary. You'll spend a lot of nights thinking about what it all means, and that's not bad. The mornings will follow.

When people you love die, always keep pictures of them close. It's not easy, knowing they're not around, but your memories can be the next best thing. Talk to them. They are still with you.

Finally, and most importantly: Have kids. It's scary, and it always threatens to break your heart and it's frustrating and it's tiring and it'll clean out your bank account and it'll sometimes make you absolutely crazy "¦ but it's the best part of life.

Jonathan Comey is sports editor of The Standard-Times.

MY THOUGHTS

i don't know why i'm sharing this. maybe because i sometimes think of writing to some people, just in case.