The Handwriting On The Wall
Sometimes in the chaos, challenges and inconveniences in our lives, it is possible to miss the smallest message with the biggest impact! The following poem can remind us to look for the messages, not the messes, on the wall.
The Handwriting On The Wall
A weary mother returned from the store, lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.
"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."
She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, "Where is your little brother right now?" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride she marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.
She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear -- he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved about the expensive wallpaper.
Lamenting all the work it would take to repair. She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, with an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, "Take time to read the handwriting on the wall."
Author unknown
Affirmation for the Week:
"When I am calm and attentive, I am able to receive the powerful messages in my life!"
Have a listening, attentive week!
Mary Rau-Foster
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Mary's book "Motivating Moments" makes a great gift for you, your family and your friends. This 211 page book, with illustrations, is a guaranteed morale booster, as well as thought provoking and inspirational. To learn more and to order online, visit www.motivatingmomentsbook.com or www.workplaceissues.com/motivatingmomentsbook.htm
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If you like the Monday Motivating Moment (MMM), please feel free to forward this email to one or two of your friends and business associates. Thanks so much! If someone forwarded this email to you, you can sign-up for your own free weekly copy at www.workplaceissues.com/mmmotivator.htm
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Copyright 2011 by Mary Rau-Foster. All rights reserved. However, if you find this information helpful, we grant you permission, and strongly encourage you, to print this page and put it on your bulletin board. Thank you.
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Mary Rau-Foster www.workplaceissues.com
Fostering great communication and cooperation in the workplace.
Foster Seminars and Communications LLC, Brentwood TN 37027 USA
MY THOUGHTS
Last Sunday's message at Christ's Commission Fellowship was about building relationships within families. It talked about 3 Cs - connect, communicate, compliment. Connecting is spending time with your kids-doing things that they want to do, eating (with them) food that they want to eat. Communicating is all about global listening-hearing even the things that are not said. Complimenting is, quite obviously, building-up rather than finding fault. Sounds easy. But it isn't. Especially when you can't make yourself calm and attentive.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
HEY MOM! TIME TO GET UP
Q&A - How Can I Become a Punctual Person?
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 11, 2008
Q: I am 33 years old and have a 3-year-old son. I cannot get up in the mornings, I’m always late and I procrastinate all the time. I need to find motivation. Do you know of a good plan that might help? Do you think this could be hereditary? I need to break the cycle!
-Audra B.
A: Hi Audra,
I remember this issue very well with my younger brother when we were growing up. He didn’t like getting up early either, and as a result, it always created stress and chaos in our daily morning departure to school. My mother used to recite that old motivational phrase in a constant attempt to change his behavior: The early bird gets the worm. Unfortunately, my brother didn’t like worms, so that motivation didn’t seem to get the job done. As was the case with my brother, Audra, my guess is this has nothing to do with your DNA. You say that you can’t get up in the mornings, and I’m willing to bet that it’s more likely you won’t get up in the mornings. I believe the cause is habit, and it can definitely be changed!
First, I suggest you see your doctor to eliminate any physical reasons, but as I said earlier, I think this is more of a bad habit than anything else. With that said, I do have “a plan” for you to try that just may do the trick. I suggest you read This Kitchen Is Under New Management, a concept I developed. Even though the article is directed at weight loss, it will help you understand the basic premise of my suggestion. In short, you need a new manager running your morning wake-up program because the old manager just isn’t getting the job done. If you can perform the mental gymnastics necessary to give this imagery idea a real try, I think you will find a responsible woman inside you who understands the importance of getting up early and being on time. You will also create more calm in your morning routine and provide a valuable life lesson about change and responsibility for your son in the process! And if I do say so myself, at 33, it’s about time!
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
Got a question? Ask Dr. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
Exactly! It's just a bad habit. A very bad habit. Especially if you're a mom and you have kids depending on you.
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 11, 2008
Q: I am 33 years old and have a 3-year-old son. I cannot get up in the mornings, I’m always late and I procrastinate all the time. I need to find motivation. Do you know of a good plan that might help? Do you think this could be hereditary? I need to break the cycle!
-Audra B.
A: Hi Audra,
I remember this issue very well with my younger brother when we were growing up. He didn’t like getting up early either, and as a result, it always created stress and chaos in our daily morning departure to school. My mother used to recite that old motivational phrase in a constant attempt to change his behavior: The early bird gets the worm. Unfortunately, my brother didn’t like worms, so that motivation didn’t seem to get the job done. As was the case with my brother, Audra, my guess is this has nothing to do with your DNA. You say that you can’t get up in the mornings, and I’m willing to bet that it’s more likely you won’t get up in the mornings. I believe the cause is habit, and it can definitely be changed!
First, I suggest you see your doctor to eliminate any physical reasons, but as I said earlier, I think this is more of a bad habit than anything else. With that said, I do have “a plan” for you to try that just may do the trick. I suggest you read This Kitchen Is Under New Management, a concept I developed. Even though the article is directed at weight loss, it will help you understand the basic premise of my suggestion. In short, you need a new manager running your morning wake-up program because the old manager just isn’t getting the job done. If you can perform the mental gymnastics necessary to give this imagery idea a real try, I think you will find a responsible woman inside you who understands the importance of getting up early and being on time. You will also create more calm in your morning routine and provide a valuable life lesson about change and responsibility for your son in the process! And if I do say so myself, at 33, it’s about time!
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
Got a question? Ask Dr. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
Exactly! It's just a bad habit. A very bad habit. Especially if you're a mom and you have kids depending on you.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
THIS FAMILY IS UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT
This Kitchen Is Under New Management
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 13, 2005
For those of you who are working to create a healthier life and fitter body, the challenges are many. But the challenge becomes even more difficult if you happen to live in a house where you are also the one who is responsible for preparing the meals. Particularly if you happen to be a parent and your family doesn’t share your desire for low-fat cooking and healthier living. So, if you are looking for a healthier lifestyle for you and you want to bring your family along for the ride, I have a suggestion that will help you put them on notice!
Sit them all down and tell them that you are going to be changing a few things around here. Let them know that you are going to be cooking healthy foods for them because you love them and care about the entire family’s health. And, since you are in charge of preparing meals, you are going to start taking the responsibility more seriously. Put a sign in your kitchen that reads, “This Kitchen Is Under New Management,” and start taking charge in your house when it comes to healthy living. Show them the way today and they will all thank you later!
Wishing You Great Health!
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
It's your kitchen. Your family. You have every right (and responsibility) to manage it. And manage it well. Maybe you should change the sign to "This Family is Under New Management".
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 13, 2005
For those of you who are working to create a healthier life and fitter body, the challenges are many. But the challenge becomes even more difficult if you happen to live in a house where you are also the one who is responsible for preparing the meals. Particularly if you happen to be a parent and your family doesn’t share your desire for low-fat cooking and healthier living. So, if you are looking for a healthier lifestyle for you and you want to bring your family along for the ride, I have a suggestion that will help you put them on notice!
Sit them all down and tell them that you are going to be changing a few things around here. Let them know that you are going to be cooking healthy foods for them because you love them and care about the entire family’s health. And, since you are in charge of preparing meals, you are going to start taking the responsibility more seriously. Put a sign in your kitchen that reads, “This Kitchen Is Under New Management,” and start taking charge in your house when it comes to healthy living. Show them the way today and they will all thank you later!
Wishing You Great Health!
Dr. John H. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
It's your kitchen. Your family. You have every right (and responsibility) to manage it. And manage it well. Maybe you should change the sign to "This Family is Under New Management".
Monday, February 28, 2011
HOW TO TEACH KIDS TABLE MANNERS
Etiquette and Kids: How To Teach Good Table Manners
By Stacey Bradford | Jan 31, 2011
I’m embarrassed to admit this but my daughter has atrocious table manners. She can’t sit still for more than a few minutes. Not so long ago, she even went through a doggie phase where she pretended that she was a puppy and ate her meals at our feet. Now that my little girl is officially five-years-old, I’ve decided this behavior must stop.
How do I transform my jumping bean into a well-mannered young lady? In the past I probably would have thrown some money at the problem and enrolled her in etiquette classes. Here in New York City that costs around $200 for four hours of training. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past five years it’s that cash rarely solves problems when the real issues stem from a lack of firm parenting.
So I decided to call Cindy Post Senning, an etiquette expert with The Emily Post Institute, for some guidance on table manners. I wanted to know what I can realistically expect from a five-year-old and what tips she could provide me on how to teach young children to behave properly during meals. Here’s her advice:
Table Manners 101
Believe it or not, by the time a child reaches the age of five he should be able to sit at the table for 20 to 30 minutes, participate in dinner conversation, hold his utensils properly and chew with his mouth closed, says Senning.
Wow, I didn’t realize just how refined a five-year-old can be. Now the question is how I go about changing my child’s mealtime habits to be more inline with other young children’s manners. According to Senning, I should simply explain that the time has come to learn proper table etiquette. Then, since kids like rewards, I should consider offering a small bribe. In my daughter’s case, Senning recommends telling my little girl that once she can sit at the table for 25 minutes she can have her best friend over for dinner. To jump start the process, I may even up the ante and offer a real tea party.
During the transformation period, I think it’s important to set some realistic expectations for your child. I told my daughter, for example, that we will start off with her sitting at the table for 10 minutes and slowly work our way up to half an hour. Then once she is no longer walking around the house during dinner, I can start refining some of her other habits.
Senning also believes table manners are best taught when families eat together. But that doesn’t mean that you must have a formal dinner every night. A handful of group meals throughout a week should be enough to cement some good habits.
Finally, parents need to make an effort and engage their kids during dinner. While you don’t have to converse about super heroes and princesses, it would be helpful to ask about school or what happened at the playground. (Asking what made your child laugh at circle time is always a good conversation starter.) Mothers and fathers should also share something about their day, but they need to make sure to explain the details in a way little ones can understand.
Table manners, of course, are more complex than just sitting through dinner and learning to chew with one’s mouth closed. So I have to admit that there may come a time when I do invest in etiquette lessons. But I think that day won’t come until my little girl is in high school. In the meantime, I’ll try my best to lead by example and make sure to keep a copy of Emily Post’s Table Manners for Kids handy.
MY THOUGHTS
may i add that TV should be banned during mealtimes. mealtimes are the best times for nice, easy conversations with the kids. and if you're training them on table manners, i don't think TV will help.
By Stacey Bradford | Jan 31, 2011
I’m embarrassed to admit this but my daughter has atrocious table manners. She can’t sit still for more than a few minutes. Not so long ago, she even went through a doggie phase where she pretended that she was a puppy and ate her meals at our feet. Now that my little girl is officially five-years-old, I’ve decided this behavior must stop.
How do I transform my jumping bean into a well-mannered young lady? In the past I probably would have thrown some money at the problem and enrolled her in etiquette classes. Here in New York City that costs around $200 for four hours of training. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past five years it’s that cash rarely solves problems when the real issues stem from a lack of firm parenting.
So I decided to call Cindy Post Senning, an etiquette expert with The Emily Post Institute, for some guidance on table manners. I wanted to know what I can realistically expect from a five-year-old and what tips she could provide me on how to teach young children to behave properly during meals. Here’s her advice:
Table Manners 101
Believe it or not, by the time a child reaches the age of five he should be able to sit at the table for 20 to 30 minutes, participate in dinner conversation, hold his utensils properly and chew with his mouth closed, says Senning.
Wow, I didn’t realize just how refined a five-year-old can be. Now the question is how I go about changing my child’s mealtime habits to be more inline with other young children’s manners. According to Senning, I should simply explain that the time has come to learn proper table etiquette. Then, since kids like rewards, I should consider offering a small bribe. In my daughter’s case, Senning recommends telling my little girl that once she can sit at the table for 25 minutes she can have her best friend over for dinner. To jump start the process, I may even up the ante and offer a real tea party.
During the transformation period, I think it’s important to set some realistic expectations for your child. I told my daughter, for example, that we will start off with her sitting at the table for 10 minutes and slowly work our way up to half an hour. Then once she is no longer walking around the house during dinner, I can start refining some of her other habits.
Senning also believes table manners are best taught when families eat together. But that doesn’t mean that you must have a formal dinner every night. A handful of group meals throughout a week should be enough to cement some good habits.
Finally, parents need to make an effort and engage their kids during dinner. While you don’t have to converse about super heroes and princesses, it would be helpful to ask about school or what happened at the playground. (Asking what made your child laugh at circle time is always a good conversation starter.) Mothers and fathers should also share something about their day, but they need to make sure to explain the details in a way little ones can understand.
Table manners, of course, are more complex than just sitting through dinner and learning to chew with one’s mouth closed. So I have to admit that there may come a time when I do invest in etiquette lessons. But I think that day won’t come until my little girl is in high school. In the meantime, I’ll try my best to lead by example and make sure to keep a copy of Emily Post’s Table Manners for Kids handy.
MY THOUGHTS
may i add that TV should be banned during mealtimes. mealtimes are the best times for nice, easy conversations with the kids. and if you're training them on table manners, i don't think TV will help.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
AN ALTERNATIVE TO NAGGING
GIVING TIMELY FEEDBACK (An alternative to 'NAGGING")
from the aricle "How to Give Feedback That Works"
By Kimberly Weisul | February 11, 2011
Every manager (and parent) knows that constructive feedback is key to improving performance. But what makes the feedback most effective? It turns out timing is almost everything.
Here are key Principles:
Reserach Findings:
- Giving people feedback after a “short delay”– shortly after they completed a task–actually improved performance more than offering up the same feedback immediately. Wait too long, though, and the feedback again becomes useless.
- Immediate feedback prevents people from learning from their mistakes. Those who got feedback right away were least likely to keep exploring on their own.
- Wait before offering advice. Waiting a short time before offering advice seemed to give the individual a chance to learn on their own, and then to incorporate the advice.
- Wait too long after the task is completed, and the feedback seems to fall on deaf ears. They seemed to find the information more confusing than helpful.
- Feedback given at the ‘wrong’ moment is pretty much pointless. Those who got help immediately and those who got it after a long delay were more likely to say they did not get enough information to complete the maze.
When do you typically give people feedback–or when have you received feedback? What time works best for you?
MY THOUGHTS
originally, i was planning to post this under 'workplace communication'. on hind sight, it seems to be helpful tips for giving feedback at home, too. in fact, parents and older relatives should try to apply this principle when dealing with the younger generation. no wonder all our well-meaning 'talks' keep falling on deaf ears! out timingis probably off most of the time.
from the aricle "How to Give Feedback That Works"
By Kimberly Weisul | February 11, 2011
Every manager (and parent) knows that constructive feedback is key to improving performance. But what makes the feedback most effective? It turns out timing is almost everything.
Here are key Principles:
Reserach Findings:
- Giving people feedback after a “short delay”– shortly after they completed a task–actually improved performance more than offering up the same feedback immediately. Wait too long, though, and the feedback again becomes useless.
- Immediate feedback prevents people from learning from their mistakes. Those who got feedback right away were least likely to keep exploring on their own.
- Wait before offering advice. Waiting a short time before offering advice seemed to give the individual a chance to learn on their own, and then to incorporate the advice.
- Wait too long after the task is completed, and the feedback seems to fall on deaf ears. They seemed to find the information more confusing than helpful.
- Feedback given at the ‘wrong’ moment is pretty much pointless. Those who got help immediately and those who got it after a long delay were more likely to say they did not get enough information to complete the maze.
When do you typically give people feedback–or when have you received feedback? What time works best for you?
MY THOUGHTS
originally, i was planning to post this under 'workplace communication'. on hind sight, it seems to be helpful tips for giving feedback at home, too. in fact, parents and older relatives should try to apply this principle when dealing with the younger generation. no wonder all our well-meaning 'talks' keep falling on deaf ears! out timingis probably off most of the time.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
FRUGAL VACATIONS
Frugal Vacations
Tips To Have Vacation Fun On A Budget
www.frugal-living-tips.com
Frugal vacations can be fun, it just takes a little more planning ahead that’s all.
I have had many vacations over the years on a budget and I definitely would not say that they were not just as fun as anyone else’s. In fact more so as I didn’t come home worrying about how I was going to pay for it all.
Here are my tips on how to have a fun packed, interesting vacation for those on a tight budget.
1. Visit friends and family
I know what you're thinking, “How is that a holiday?” Some might even say that a week at the in laws would be less than enticing. However think about it, you will be able to stay for free and will be able to go out exploring the local area on your own every day.
Don’t forget that if you do this that you should chip in for any food supplied by your family and always return the favour, so let them know they are welcome to come and stay with you.
Perhaps it would be a good opportunity to go and see those long lost relatives who perhaps emigrated years ago.
2. House swaps
This is quite a new concept for many but is a great choice for the more adventurous of you out there. Basically you arrange to swap houses with someone else who is looking to come and stay in your area. There are agencies set up to help you arrange this and there are safe guards in place so that you won’t feel worried about letting strangers stay in your home.
Home Exchange is one just organisation that can help you have a great vacation somewhere totally unique and give you an experience you won’t forget. Don’t believe me! Here is a testimonial from someone who has used this service.
http://www.homeexchange.com/
"My husband and I recently returned from a 3 week exchange to Berlin, Germany. We exchanged our home in San Antonio, TX for a lovely 2000 SF apartment centrally located in Berlin. The exchange went very smoothly and both families enjoyed the exchange very much. We kept in touch with the family in our home via E-Mail during the exchange. This is our 3rd exchange and we are very pleased with Home Exchange. Looking forward to more great exchanges!"
Carol and Carl Lahser: San Antonio, Texas, USA
3. Camping
One of the best frugal vacations I have personally been on was a camping trip last summer with my family. We had such a laugh and it was just like going back to being a kid again.
How you camp is entirely up to you. Some camp sites provide the bare minimum and are suited to those who really enjoy living wild. Whilst other campsites provide all sorts of comforts, such as a shop, bar, laundry services, luxury shower blocks etc.
You don’t even need to camp in a tent any more, many camp site offer cabins of yurts to rent.
4. Frugal vacations Out Of Season
No matter what you choose to do try to book your vacation out of season. You will find that the cost of nearly everything will be cheaper, from flights to accommodation. Even restaurant eating is cheaper as they are more likely to have out of season offer to entice customers.
5. Group vacations
Why not club together with some of your friends and book a vacation you would not be able to afford on your own. Many house vacation rentals are very expensive but rightly so in some cases where you could stay in super luxury accommodation with swimming pools, steam rooms, games room etc etc.
The cost of food can also be split amongst you all, as well as taking it in turns to cook. This is my idea of luxury frugal vacations and I only wish they were around when I was in my
twenties.
6. Meals
Buy or make your own breakfast and Dinner if staying self catering. Meals out can cost a fortune and can be your biggest expense. Instead choose to only eat out once a day. Lunch menus are always cheaper than evening meals even though the food may be very similar, so make your lunchtime meal the main meal of the day and treat yourself to some of the local food.
MY THOUGHTS
i don't know. i like living in style when on vacation. that's why it's a vacation, isn't it? i wanna sleep in a room much better than mine, sip champagne while watching tv, wearing that fluffy white robe, waking up really late, having breakfast in bed, falling asleep on the tub. lucky for me i am able to do all these sometimes as part of my job. except when it's work coz you hardly ever stay in the hotel room. and you fall asleep in the tub because of fatigue.
Tips To Have Vacation Fun On A Budget
www.frugal-living-tips.com
Frugal vacations can be fun, it just takes a little more planning ahead that’s all.
I have had many vacations over the years on a budget and I definitely would not say that they were not just as fun as anyone else’s. In fact more so as I didn’t come home worrying about how I was going to pay for it all.
Here are my tips on how to have a fun packed, interesting vacation for those on a tight budget.
1. Visit friends and family
I know what you're thinking, “How is that a holiday?” Some might even say that a week at the in laws would be less than enticing. However think about it, you will be able to stay for free and will be able to go out exploring the local area on your own every day.
Don’t forget that if you do this that you should chip in for any food supplied by your family and always return the favour, so let them know they are welcome to come and stay with you.
Perhaps it would be a good opportunity to go and see those long lost relatives who perhaps emigrated years ago.
2. House swaps
This is quite a new concept for many but is a great choice for the more adventurous of you out there. Basically you arrange to swap houses with someone else who is looking to come and stay in your area. There are agencies set up to help you arrange this and there are safe guards in place so that you won’t feel worried about letting strangers stay in your home.
Home Exchange is one just organisation that can help you have a great vacation somewhere totally unique and give you an experience you won’t forget. Don’t believe me! Here is a testimonial from someone who has used this service.
http://www.homeexchange.com/
"My husband and I recently returned from a 3 week exchange to Berlin, Germany. We exchanged our home in San Antonio, TX for a lovely 2000 SF apartment centrally located in Berlin. The exchange went very smoothly and both families enjoyed the exchange very much. We kept in touch with the family in our home via E-Mail during the exchange. This is our 3rd exchange and we are very pleased with Home Exchange. Looking forward to more great exchanges!"
Carol and Carl Lahser: San Antonio, Texas, USA
3. Camping
One of the best frugal vacations I have personally been on was a camping trip last summer with my family. We had such a laugh and it was just like going back to being a kid again.
How you camp is entirely up to you. Some camp sites provide the bare minimum and are suited to those who really enjoy living wild. Whilst other campsites provide all sorts of comforts, such as a shop, bar, laundry services, luxury shower blocks etc.
You don’t even need to camp in a tent any more, many camp site offer cabins of yurts to rent.
4. Frugal vacations Out Of Season
No matter what you choose to do try to book your vacation out of season. You will find that the cost of nearly everything will be cheaper, from flights to accommodation. Even restaurant eating is cheaper as they are more likely to have out of season offer to entice customers.
5. Group vacations
Why not club together with some of your friends and book a vacation you would not be able to afford on your own. Many house vacation rentals are very expensive but rightly so in some cases where you could stay in super luxury accommodation with swimming pools, steam rooms, games room etc etc.
The cost of food can also be split amongst you all, as well as taking it in turns to cook. This is my idea of luxury frugal vacations and I only wish they were around when I was in my
twenties.
6. Meals
Buy or make your own breakfast and Dinner if staying self catering. Meals out can cost a fortune and can be your biggest expense. Instead choose to only eat out once a day. Lunch menus are always cheaper than evening meals even though the food may be very similar, so make your lunchtime meal the main meal of the day and treat yourself to some of the local food.
MY THOUGHTS
i don't know. i like living in style when on vacation. that's why it's a vacation, isn't it? i wanna sleep in a room much better than mine, sip champagne while watching tv, wearing that fluffy white robe, waking up really late, having breakfast in bed, falling asleep on the tub. lucky for me i am able to do all these sometimes as part of my job. except when it's work coz you hardly ever stay in the hotel room. and you fall asleep in the tub because of fatigue.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
ARE YOU READY TO BE AN EMPTY-NESTER?
Q&A – How Can I Stop Feeling Lonely?
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D, LifeScript Personal Coach
Published March 27, 2008
Reviewed John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Q: This past week has been really rough. My oldest daughter graduated from college and moved 17 hours away, and my second child is a college freshman at a school two hours away. The nights are so lonely after work, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I spent years going to both of my children’s school activities. I know I just need to keep busy, but a person can only clean and watch TV so much. My husband has adjusted to the children being out of the house, but I just can’t relax or even go to sleep without crying.
-Barb L.
A: Hi Barb,
There are a lot of mothers whose ears just perked up when they read your question. The empty-nest syndrome is an intensely emotional issue that many parents, primarily women, experience when their children leave home and begin making a life of their own. There are some very common symptoms of this syndrome, and you describe them perfectly, Barb. You feel as if your usefulness has ended and experience a deep sense of loneliness, loss and excessive crying.
Many people seek counseling during this time as a way to help them cope and move on, but most seem to adjust over time. The bottom line, however, is that the time has come to find new purpose and new ways to spend your time. Cleaning and watching TV is just not going to be that helpful. Staying in touch with your children by phone and email is a great idea, but you must be careful not to smother them. After all, successful parenting should lead a child to the front door eventually. Consider doing volunteer work, develop a new hobby, or even get involved in an online support group for other parents also dealing with the empty-nest syndrome. And I’m sure there will be many suggestions in the comment section of this page from mothers who share your agony and feel your pain. The bottom line, however, is that your situation is absolutely survivable, Barb. But only you can find what will help you transition into the next phase of your life. Focusing on how much you miss the past will only exacerbate your pain and extend your misery. But a combination of anticipating the future and taking positive action will go a long way toward helping you take a step forward.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
this is a reality.a harsh one but a reality nevertheless. some parents are so scared of becoming empty-nesters they plot ways to keep their adult children at home. very selfish.
i know it's hard. i don't have kids of my own but i can't help being lonely when my nieces start spending less and less time in my bedroom. because they are moving into teenage life, their world is expanding. and fast. i have to remind myself that this is something that can't be stopped. and i thank God for the chance to be with them while they were kids.
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D, LifeScript Personal Coach
Published March 27, 2008
Reviewed John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Q: This past week has been really rough. My oldest daughter graduated from college and moved 17 hours away, and my second child is a college freshman at a school two hours away. The nights are so lonely after work, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I spent years going to both of my children’s school activities. I know I just need to keep busy, but a person can only clean and watch TV so much. My husband has adjusted to the children being out of the house, but I just can’t relax or even go to sleep without crying.
-Barb L.
A: Hi Barb,
There are a lot of mothers whose ears just perked up when they read your question. The empty-nest syndrome is an intensely emotional issue that many parents, primarily women, experience when their children leave home and begin making a life of their own. There are some very common symptoms of this syndrome, and you describe them perfectly, Barb. You feel as if your usefulness has ended and experience a deep sense of loneliness, loss and excessive crying.
Many people seek counseling during this time as a way to help them cope and move on, but most seem to adjust over time. The bottom line, however, is that the time has come to find new purpose and new ways to spend your time. Cleaning and watching TV is just not going to be that helpful. Staying in touch with your children by phone and email is a great idea, but you must be careful not to smother them. After all, successful parenting should lead a child to the front door eventually. Consider doing volunteer work, develop a new hobby, or even get involved in an online support group for other parents also dealing with the empty-nest syndrome. And I’m sure there will be many suggestions in the comment section of this page from mothers who share your agony and feel your pain. The bottom line, however, is that your situation is absolutely survivable, Barb. But only you can find what will help you transition into the next phase of your life. Focusing on how much you miss the past will only exacerbate your pain and extend your misery. But a combination of anticipating the future and taking positive action will go a long way toward helping you take a step forward.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
this is a reality.a harsh one but a reality nevertheless. some parents are so scared of becoming empty-nesters they plot ways to keep their adult children at home. very selfish.
i know it's hard. i don't have kids of my own but i can't help being lonely when my nieces start spending less and less time in my bedroom. because they are moving into teenage life, their world is expanding. and fast. i have to remind myself that this is something that can't be stopped. and i thank God for the chance to be with them while they were kids.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Working Moms and Guilt
MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski: Why Working Moms Should Stop Feeling Guilty
Susanna Schrobsdorff ON Jan 25, 2010 at 1:02PM
Women now make up 50 percent of the American workforce. Now if only working moms could shed 50 percent of the guilt they carry around. Mastering the life-balance thing may be an impossible quest, but MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski has come out with a refreshingly candid book about her bumpy ride to the top of TV news and why she believes that the time she spends building her career is as good for her two daughters, ages 11 and 13, as the time she spends at home.
Her story has struck a chord. The book, All Things at Once, just became a New York Times bestseller and her tour has been packed with long lines of admiring women (and men). Of course, Brzezinski, 42, is no ordinary working mom. She's up at 3:30 am every day to cohost an influential political show, Morning Joe, and she follows that up with a radio broadcast.
The straight-talking Brzezinski spoke to iVillage about her job, her book and the lessons she learned after she became so exhausted that she fell down the stairs holding her infant daughter, leaving the baby with a broken leg.
You caused some controversy recently when you wrote a blog post saying women shouldn't put off having kids till their career is established.
I've been really misunderstood on this so I'll try and be as clear as I can. If children and family are something you want in your life, I would not put off looking for that to happen. If the opportunity for love strikes in your 20's, and you hold off till your mid-30s because there's some rule that you have to wait till your career is at a certain point before you can have a kid, you are an idiot. I'm not saying go back to the 1950s, I'm saying, look, it's hard to find a good guy so increase your chances by starting at an early age, just like you do for your job.
So how do you do all things at once and still do them well?
For me, my career would be nothing if I didn't have kids that have grown through it with me. You don't need to have your career first then have kids and keep them in separate boxes. Think of them of them as a set of cultivating experiences that can interrelate in a challenging, tough and incredibly fulfilling way. If you want to nurture the career, your kids will survive. If you love the work, if it's true to your identity, you will be a more cultivated, happier person and that's good for the kids. You're growing yourself for them.
You wrote that after you fell with your baby daughter you re-evaluated your life and got more childcare. Why is it so hard for women to ask for help?
I think we as mothers who work feel a tremendous friction in our own minds about transferring the authority over our children to someone else. We feel guilty about it and we're control freaks. We leave the house and think, "Are they doing it right?" But you have to let go. I learned that by making the worst mistake of my life. I wanted to show the world I could be supermom and have this amazing network job. I wanted to be all things to all people. I learned after the accident with Carlie -- which was the worst way to have to learn a lesson because that accident was my fault -- that if I'm going to work, that there are times I have got to let people help.
Is it difficult to switch into mom mode after work?
There are times when I work for three days straight and I barely see my daughters. I just kiss them good night because I'm better off not seeing them because it's hard for me to transition. Then I'll throw myself into them for like 36 hours. I know that's very unpredictable for them, and guess what, that's my household.
You're in amazing shape. How do you manage that on top of work and your family?
I get home and I'm dead tired -- I've been up since 3:30 in the morning, and I want to sleep so badly -- but I've got to jog at least a few miles and I'll have a little less time with the kids but I will have run and I'll feel better with them. Exercise is essential for me. No excuses. Do you need to look like a supermodel? No. But do you want to feel exhausted and overweight for your husband and your kids and your job? Is that the best way to present yourself? No.
Any advice for new moms who are going back to work?
First: Put away the guilt. You're going back to work, face it and get the job done. Stop with the tears. Celebrate it. You're doing this not only for yourself, but for your kids. Second: Don't try to overcompensate when you come home. Work on your time management realistically. And take care of yourself. Do not let yourself fall apart because you will pay for that in the end and so will your kids and your marriage.
Do you have guilt about being a working mom -- and how do you deal with it?
MY THOUGHTS
I'm not a mom but i know how difficult it is to try and balance work and personal concerns. Taking care of things all at once is not a good idea. In my book, the best is still to compartmentalize and concentrate - one thing at a time. I found out that if I work really hard on workdays, I can have quality time for myself and my family on weekends. Of course, it doesn't always happen that way. But work on weekends or personal concerns on workweeks is more of an exception. The thing is, the more effective you are at work, the more you find yourself effective at home.
http://www.ivillage.com/msnbcs-mika-brzezinski-why-working-moms-should-stop-feeling-guilty/1-a-75134?nlcid=in|01-28-2010|
Susanna Schrobsdorff ON Jan 25, 2010 at 1:02PM
Women now make up 50 percent of the American workforce. Now if only working moms could shed 50 percent of the guilt they carry around. Mastering the life-balance thing may be an impossible quest, but MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski has come out with a refreshingly candid book about her bumpy ride to the top of TV news and why she believes that the time she spends building her career is as good for her two daughters, ages 11 and 13, as the time she spends at home.
Her story has struck a chord. The book, All Things at Once, just became a New York Times bestseller and her tour has been packed with long lines of admiring women (and men). Of course, Brzezinski, 42, is no ordinary working mom. She's up at 3:30 am every day to cohost an influential political show, Morning Joe, and she follows that up with a radio broadcast.
The straight-talking Brzezinski spoke to iVillage about her job, her book and the lessons she learned after she became so exhausted that she fell down the stairs holding her infant daughter, leaving the baby with a broken leg.
You caused some controversy recently when you wrote a blog post saying women shouldn't put off having kids till their career is established.
I've been really misunderstood on this so I'll try and be as clear as I can. If children and family are something you want in your life, I would not put off looking for that to happen. If the opportunity for love strikes in your 20's, and you hold off till your mid-30s because there's some rule that you have to wait till your career is at a certain point before you can have a kid, you are an idiot. I'm not saying go back to the 1950s, I'm saying, look, it's hard to find a good guy so increase your chances by starting at an early age, just like you do for your job.
So how do you do all things at once and still do them well?
For me, my career would be nothing if I didn't have kids that have grown through it with me. You don't need to have your career first then have kids and keep them in separate boxes. Think of them of them as a set of cultivating experiences that can interrelate in a challenging, tough and incredibly fulfilling way. If you want to nurture the career, your kids will survive. If you love the work, if it's true to your identity, you will be a more cultivated, happier person and that's good for the kids. You're growing yourself for them.
You wrote that after you fell with your baby daughter you re-evaluated your life and got more childcare. Why is it so hard for women to ask for help?
I think we as mothers who work feel a tremendous friction in our own minds about transferring the authority over our children to someone else. We feel guilty about it and we're control freaks. We leave the house and think, "Are they doing it right?" But you have to let go. I learned that by making the worst mistake of my life. I wanted to show the world I could be supermom and have this amazing network job. I wanted to be all things to all people. I learned after the accident with Carlie -- which was the worst way to have to learn a lesson because that accident was my fault -- that if I'm going to work, that there are times I have got to let people help.
Is it difficult to switch into mom mode after work?
There are times when I work for three days straight and I barely see my daughters. I just kiss them good night because I'm better off not seeing them because it's hard for me to transition. Then I'll throw myself into them for like 36 hours. I know that's very unpredictable for them, and guess what, that's my household.
You're in amazing shape. How do you manage that on top of work and your family?
I get home and I'm dead tired -- I've been up since 3:30 in the morning, and I want to sleep so badly -- but I've got to jog at least a few miles and I'll have a little less time with the kids but I will have run and I'll feel better with them. Exercise is essential for me. No excuses. Do you need to look like a supermodel? No. But do you want to feel exhausted and overweight for your husband and your kids and your job? Is that the best way to present yourself? No.
Any advice for new moms who are going back to work?
First: Put away the guilt. You're going back to work, face it and get the job done. Stop with the tears. Celebrate it. You're doing this not only for yourself, but for your kids. Second: Don't try to overcompensate when you come home. Work on your time management realistically. And take care of yourself. Do not let yourself fall apart because you will pay for that in the end and so will your kids and your marriage.
Do you have guilt about being a working mom -- and how do you deal with it?
MY THOUGHTS
I'm not a mom but i know how difficult it is to try and balance work and personal concerns. Taking care of things all at once is not a good idea. In my book, the best is still to compartmentalize and concentrate - one thing at a time. I found out that if I work really hard on workdays, I can have quality time for myself and my family on weekends. Of course, it doesn't always happen that way. But work on weekends or personal concerns on workweeks is more of an exception. The thing is, the more effective you are at work, the more you find yourself effective at home.
http://www.ivillage.com/msnbcs-mika-brzezinski-why-working-moms-should-stop-feeling-guilty/1-a-75134?nlcid=in|01-28-2010|
Monday, January 24, 2011
LESSONS FOR A SON
Lessons for a son, just in case
By Jonathan Comey
First Person
January 23, 2011 12:00 AM
I had fairly major surgery a few months ago and, in the nights before the procedure, my mind naturally turned to all of the complications that could ensue.
Especially what I privately referred to, in my own dark way, as the "ultimate complication."
With these thoughts came other thoughts, mostly about my son. When I was a boy, I'd sometimes happen across sealed letters from my mother with my name written on the front. I was told that these were in the event of "¦ well, in the event of ultimate complications.
I never had the urge to read these letters, and scoffed at them in my blissful ignorance, but as the date of that surgery neared 30 years later, I understood my mom completely. Most of raising a child is a mix of maintenance and mischief, but the goal of every parent is for their kids to grow up with a set of values that will serve them well, values that will give them a chance at success, happiness and understanding.
And so, for the first time, I asked myself: What did I want to teach my son about the world if, by chance, I was no longer in it?
Be kind to other people.
Be loyal and cautious. Never stop having fun.
Enjoy all different types of weather. Stay up late during a blizzard or a thunderstorm or a hot summer's night, watch the sky and mull over the meaning of it all.
Always remember that as an American you were born luckier, freer, healthier and more privileged than almost all of the people on earth. It might not always seem so, but most don't have what you take for granted.
Eat anything you want as long as it's in moderation. This is better for you physically and mentally. Don't drink too much. Drugs and cigarettes are very hard to quit and you will eventually want to quit them in the worst way. Don't start.
Try not to judge others. Everyone is shaped by their environment and genetics in ways they can't control. Look for the best parts of people.
Be friendly to older people. They love it. It restores their faith in humanity.
Wear your seatbelt, and never drive drunk. Be a designated driver for others.
The true joy of life is bringing joy to others. Sometimes this can feel like a burden, but it's worth it.
Don't let your friendships fall apart. Once you've made a friend, they feel kinship with you for life, whether they try to keep it alive or not. This also sometimes feels like a burden, but is worth it.
Don't dwell on what should be. Deal with what is and how to make the most of it.
Don't be afraid to commit to love. Focus on what you love about your spouse and not what you don't. Accept that monogamy is difficult.
Don't sweat politics. You can't change the system, and you don't really know what's going on anyway. Put your trust in the people who seem the most real, and hope for the best.
Stay away from war at all costs. Do not join the fight unless the cause is so blindingly just that you have no other choice. Support your country at all times. Don't bash the president. He or she is doing the best they can.
Enjoy as many different types of music, movies and games as you can. There's something wonderful in all of it.
You're never quite as good at things as you think you are, but that's OK. Shooting high usually produces a good result, even if it leaves you feeling unfulfilled.
Grandparents are special in ways that your parents aren't. Let them spoil you, but never be ungrateful.
Don't keep secrets. It's hard to tell the truth sometimes, but secrets make you feel worse.
Be really careful on bicycles and in cars. They are super dangerous.
There is some type of higher power, but I don't know what it is. The unknown can be scary. You'll spend a lot of nights thinking about what it all means, and that's not bad. The mornings will follow.
When people you love die, always keep pictures of them close. It's not easy, knowing they're not around, but your memories can be the next best thing. Talk to them. They are still with you.
Finally, and most importantly: Have kids. It's scary, and it always threatens to break your heart and it's frustrating and it's tiring and it'll clean out your bank account and it'll sometimes make you absolutely crazy "¦ but it's the best part of life.
Jonathan Comey is sports editor of The Standard-Times.
MY THOUGHTS
i don't know why i'm sharing this. maybe because i sometimes think of writing to some people, just in case.
By Jonathan Comey
First Person
January 23, 2011 12:00 AM
I had fairly major surgery a few months ago and, in the nights before the procedure, my mind naturally turned to all of the complications that could ensue.
Especially what I privately referred to, in my own dark way, as the "ultimate complication."
With these thoughts came other thoughts, mostly about my son. When I was a boy, I'd sometimes happen across sealed letters from my mother with my name written on the front. I was told that these were in the event of "¦ well, in the event of ultimate complications.
I never had the urge to read these letters, and scoffed at them in my blissful ignorance, but as the date of that surgery neared 30 years later, I understood my mom completely. Most of raising a child is a mix of maintenance and mischief, but the goal of every parent is for their kids to grow up with a set of values that will serve them well, values that will give them a chance at success, happiness and understanding.
And so, for the first time, I asked myself: What did I want to teach my son about the world if, by chance, I was no longer in it?
Be kind to other people.
Be loyal and cautious. Never stop having fun.
Enjoy all different types of weather. Stay up late during a blizzard or a thunderstorm or a hot summer's night, watch the sky and mull over the meaning of it all.
Always remember that as an American you were born luckier, freer, healthier and more privileged than almost all of the people on earth. It might not always seem so, but most don't have what you take for granted.
Eat anything you want as long as it's in moderation. This is better for you physically and mentally. Don't drink too much. Drugs and cigarettes are very hard to quit and you will eventually want to quit them in the worst way. Don't start.
Try not to judge others. Everyone is shaped by their environment and genetics in ways they can't control. Look for the best parts of people.
Be friendly to older people. They love it. It restores their faith in humanity.
Wear your seatbelt, and never drive drunk. Be a designated driver for others.
The true joy of life is bringing joy to others. Sometimes this can feel like a burden, but it's worth it.
Don't let your friendships fall apart. Once you've made a friend, they feel kinship with you for life, whether they try to keep it alive or not. This also sometimes feels like a burden, but is worth it.
Don't dwell on what should be. Deal with what is and how to make the most of it.
Don't be afraid to commit to love. Focus on what you love about your spouse and not what you don't. Accept that monogamy is difficult.
Don't sweat politics. You can't change the system, and you don't really know what's going on anyway. Put your trust in the people who seem the most real, and hope for the best.
Stay away from war at all costs. Do not join the fight unless the cause is so blindingly just that you have no other choice. Support your country at all times. Don't bash the president. He or she is doing the best they can.
Enjoy as many different types of music, movies and games as you can. There's something wonderful in all of it.
You're never quite as good at things as you think you are, but that's OK. Shooting high usually produces a good result, even if it leaves you feeling unfulfilled.
Grandparents are special in ways that your parents aren't. Let them spoil you, but never be ungrateful.
Don't keep secrets. It's hard to tell the truth sometimes, but secrets make you feel worse.
Be really careful on bicycles and in cars. They are super dangerous.
There is some type of higher power, but I don't know what it is. The unknown can be scary. You'll spend a lot of nights thinking about what it all means, and that's not bad. The mornings will follow.
When people you love die, always keep pictures of them close. It's not easy, knowing they're not around, but your memories can be the next best thing. Talk to them. They are still with you.
Finally, and most importantly: Have kids. It's scary, and it always threatens to break your heart and it's frustrating and it's tiring and it'll clean out your bank account and it'll sometimes make you absolutely crazy "¦ but it's the best part of life.
Jonathan Comey is sports editor of The Standard-Times.
MY THOUGHTS
i don't know why i'm sharing this. maybe because i sometimes think of writing to some people, just in case.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Chinese adults can't take parents' money
Now, Chinese adults can't take parents' money
IANS
Posted on Jan 22, 2011 at 05:14pm IST
Shanghai: In a bid to ensure elderly persons' social welfare, parents in an east China province have been empowered by a new law to decline their adult children's monetary demands.
The People's Congress of Jiangsu province passed an ordinance Friday which forbids adult children from demanding money or belongings from their parents in a forcible way, China Daily reported Saturday.
The provision is widely seen as an attempt to discourage the NEET group - a name used to refer collectively to young people who chose to live off their parents rather than seek steady employment, attend school or enroll in special training.
Zhao Jianyang, director of the administrative law department, Law Committee of the Standing Committee of the People's Congress of Jiangsu, said: "The right conferred on elderly parents to refuse requests for financial support will help parents who have children in the NEET group."
The provision, the first of its kind in China, contains an important caveat - children will not be violating the law if they obtain financial assistance from parents who are willing to lend a hand.
It's part of an ordinance designed to protect the rights of the elderly (those over 60 years old) in Jiangsu.
The ordinance, however, encourages adult children to make regular visits to their parents' homes and take care of their elderly parents.
In one of several recent trends in China, more young people have adopted the NEET lifestyle as a means of leading a more comfortable existence.
According to the statistics released by the China Research Center on Aging last year, up to 30 percent of young people fall into the NEET category and 65 percent of families must contend with NEET children.
The new provision has drawn varying reactions.
Gao Jianming, a 55-year-old teacher in Xuzhou, Jiangsu province, said the provision will benefit him and his ilk.
"I've noticed the NEET problem among my friends whose children are too dependent on their parents, which is wrong. Parents should have the right to enjoy their elderly years with their own money," said Gao.
He also said that the society will benefit from the call for adult children to pay regular visits to their parents.
Jiang Xuelai, a 25-year-old private employee in Wuxi, Jiangsu province, said: "The regulation will likely lead to discord in families and disputes on financial issues."
MY THOUGHTS
we find laws like this to be too invasive. and yet, such laws would not have been enforced, much less thought of, if there was no need for it. the problem with us is we want to be free of restrictions. and it's our immature view of freedom that prompts the need for us to be restricted. maybe we should copy china. maybe there should be a law against parasite children who exploits their parents. and maybe there should be a law against parents who continue to make parasites out of their children.
IANS
Posted on Jan 22, 2011 at 05:14pm IST
Shanghai: In a bid to ensure elderly persons' social welfare, parents in an east China province have been empowered by a new law to decline their adult children's monetary demands.
The People's Congress of Jiangsu province passed an ordinance Friday which forbids adult children from demanding money or belongings from their parents in a forcible way, China Daily reported Saturday.
The provision is widely seen as an attempt to discourage the NEET group - a name used to refer collectively to young people who chose to live off their parents rather than seek steady employment, attend school or enroll in special training.
Zhao Jianyang, director of the administrative law department, Law Committee of the Standing Committee of the People's Congress of Jiangsu, said: "The right conferred on elderly parents to refuse requests for financial support will help parents who have children in the NEET group."
The provision, the first of its kind in China, contains an important caveat - children will not be violating the law if they obtain financial assistance from parents who are willing to lend a hand.
It's part of an ordinance designed to protect the rights of the elderly (those over 60 years old) in Jiangsu.
The ordinance, however, encourages adult children to make regular visits to their parents' homes and take care of their elderly parents.
In one of several recent trends in China, more young people have adopted the NEET lifestyle as a means of leading a more comfortable existence.
According to the statistics released by the China Research Center on Aging last year, up to 30 percent of young people fall into the NEET category and 65 percent of families must contend with NEET children.
The new provision has drawn varying reactions.
Gao Jianming, a 55-year-old teacher in Xuzhou, Jiangsu province, said the provision will benefit him and his ilk.
"I've noticed the NEET problem among my friends whose children are too dependent on their parents, which is wrong. Parents should have the right to enjoy their elderly years with their own money," said Gao.
He also said that the society will benefit from the call for adult children to pay regular visits to their parents.
Jiang Xuelai, a 25-year-old private employee in Wuxi, Jiangsu province, said: "The regulation will likely lead to discord in families and disputes on financial issues."
MY THOUGHTS
we find laws like this to be too invasive. and yet, such laws would not have been enforced, much less thought of, if there was no need for it. the problem with us is we want to be free of restrictions. and it's our immature view of freedom that prompts the need for us to be restricted. maybe we should copy china. maybe there should be a law against parasite children who exploits their parents. and maybe there should be a law against parents who continue to make parasites out of their children.
Friday, January 21, 2011
How to End Sibling Feuds
How to End Sibling Feuds
By Judy Ford, eHow Contributor
Are you tired playing referee between sibling squabbles? Do you sometimes find yourself yelling, "cut it out," to stop your kids from yelling at each other? Sibling rivalry is unavoidable in family life, however helping the kids learn to settle their own conflicts will get you out of the middle. When siblings are teasing one other, bickering over the toys, or fighting about who gets the biggest cookie, it's time to take the battle ground to the peace table. With coaching from you even toddlers can begin settling quarrels with friendly negotiations.
Instructions
1
Look for the underlying cause. To minimize your kid's quarreling recognize what is triggering the outbursts. Is your child tired, hungry, feeling left out, needing more of your attention, or bored? If you suspect that this may be the cause, ask, "What can we do to make things better?'
2
Encourage siblings to talk about what's going on. Talking things through eliminates sulking and whining. You might ask: "I wonder what started this fight? or "Are you willing to tell me what happened?" Or simply say: "Let's talk about it at the peace table."
3
Sit at the peace table. A peace table is a designated spot where everyone can talk with out being interrupted. Each child takes a turn explaining what happened. The peace table is a safe place where everyone gets a chance to be heard.
4
Remind the kids about the rules of conduct: no name calling, no hitting, no shoving allowed. At the peace table everyone gets a turn to listen and a turn to talk.
5
Let all the kids suggest a solution. Don't underestimate kids ability to solve the problems. As the parent you are the leader in the negotiation. Ask each child, "What is your solution?" Remember conflicts are not all bad. In fact solving a disagreement often brings kids closer. Tell the kids, "I know you will figure this out." Tell them that you are glad that they are learning to solve conflicts by negotiating.
6
Don't force togetherness. While it is okay to encourage siblings to share their possessions and toys, it is not okay to force. Forcing causes resentments which leads to more bickering later.
7
Give genuine approval when they work things through and cooperate.
Tips & Warnings
The more you can teach children to solve their own conflicts, the quicker their fighting will end.
Be aware that your children are learning by observing and mimicking how you handle your disagreements.
MY THOUGHTS
that looks easy. try being the peacemaker between squabbling adult siblings. well, the peace table is such a good idea. having that early will probably reduce the adult squabbles.
By Judy Ford, eHow Contributor
Are you tired playing referee between sibling squabbles? Do you sometimes find yourself yelling, "cut it out," to stop your kids from yelling at each other? Sibling rivalry is unavoidable in family life, however helping the kids learn to settle their own conflicts will get you out of the middle. When siblings are teasing one other, bickering over the toys, or fighting about who gets the biggest cookie, it's time to take the battle ground to the peace table. With coaching from you even toddlers can begin settling quarrels with friendly negotiations.
Instructions
1
Look for the underlying cause. To minimize your kid's quarreling recognize what is triggering the outbursts. Is your child tired, hungry, feeling left out, needing more of your attention, or bored? If you suspect that this may be the cause, ask, "What can we do to make things better?'
2
Encourage siblings to talk about what's going on. Talking things through eliminates sulking and whining. You might ask: "I wonder what started this fight? or "Are you willing to tell me what happened?" Or simply say: "Let's talk about it at the peace table."
3
Sit at the peace table. A peace table is a designated spot where everyone can talk with out being interrupted. Each child takes a turn explaining what happened. The peace table is a safe place where everyone gets a chance to be heard.
4
Remind the kids about the rules of conduct: no name calling, no hitting, no shoving allowed. At the peace table everyone gets a turn to listen and a turn to talk.
5
Let all the kids suggest a solution. Don't underestimate kids ability to solve the problems. As the parent you are the leader in the negotiation. Ask each child, "What is your solution?" Remember conflicts are not all bad. In fact solving a disagreement often brings kids closer. Tell the kids, "I know you will figure this out." Tell them that you are glad that they are learning to solve conflicts by negotiating.
6
Don't force togetherness. While it is okay to encourage siblings to share their possessions and toys, it is not okay to force. Forcing causes resentments which leads to more bickering later.
7
Give genuine approval when they work things through and cooperate.
Tips & Warnings
The more you can teach children to solve their own conflicts, the quicker their fighting will end.
Be aware that your children are learning by observing and mimicking how you handle your disagreements.
MY THOUGHTS
that looks easy. try being the peacemaker between squabbling adult siblings. well, the peace table is such a good idea. having that early will probably reduce the adult squabbles.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
If You Don’t Design Your Future, Someone Else Will
Warning: If You Don’t Design Your Future, Someone Else Will
One day, a man came up to me and invited me to speak to their company.
When he told me the date of their conference, I told them I couldn’t make it.
He asked if I could speak the following year, and I declined it too.
He asked if I could speak the year after that—and I said my calendar was still booked for the date.
He asked, “Can we invite you to speak to our group in 2013?”
I began to laugh.
This was getting to be embarrassing.
But the man in front of me wasn’t laughing.
“Bo, I’m serious. You turned down our invitation for 2010, 2011, and 2012. Don’t tell me you’re booked for 2013?”
Here’s the truth: Yes, I was booked.
Some of my appointments are booked until the day I die.
For example?
If you ask me, “Bo, what will you be doing on Tuesday nights in the year 2025?” I’ll answer, “Having dates with my lovely wife.”
How do I know?
Since we got married 12 years ago, I’ve given my Tuesday nights to her.
Having weekly dates with her has been the bedrock of our marriage. Our lifesaver. Our refreshment. Our bond. Our joy.
I also have weekly dates with my 2 boys on Monday afternoon.
I have weekly lunches with my 85-year old Mom on Wednesdays.
These are my non-negotiable appointments in my life.
That’s why my relationships are strong. Vibrant. Life-giving.
That’s why my family life is tight.
I set these appointments for years—no, for decades—in advance.
Why?
Because if you’re not going to design your future, someone else will.
Don’t Let Thieves Steal Away Your Family’s Future
There are thieves that want to steal away your family life.
Thieves like Busyness.
Hurry-titis. (An epidemic today!)
Materialism.
TV addiction.
Selfishness.
Adultery.
Money problems.
Protect your family!
How? Next to God, make your family first.
I’d like to personally invite you to take my 7-Session Online Course, Relationship Reborn. You don’t have to go anywhere. From the comfort of your homes, you can listen or watch me talk about what you can do to enrich your family life. Yes, you can have a great marriage. Yes, you can have a great relationship with your kids.
Don’t leave it to chance. To design the future of your family life, log on at www.FamilyReborn.com now.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez
PS. Protect your Family Life. What kind of future do you want? To design your future for your family, log on at www.FamilyReborn.com now.
MY THOUGHTS
what kind of thieves do you have? we see them all over. inside our homes. in other homes. what's sad is, we don't even know they are thieves. we think we're being busy for our loved ones, working hard so we can provide for them. only to find that, in out business, in our desire to provide the material things, we have failed to protect our relationships with them. think about this now. before it's too late.
One day, a man came up to me and invited me to speak to their company.
When he told me the date of their conference, I told them I couldn’t make it.
He asked if I could speak the following year, and I declined it too.
He asked if I could speak the year after that—and I said my calendar was still booked for the date.
He asked, “Can we invite you to speak to our group in 2013?”
I began to laugh.
This was getting to be embarrassing.
But the man in front of me wasn’t laughing.
“Bo, I’m serious. You turned down our invitation for 2010, 2011, and 2012. Don’t tell me you’re booked for 2013?”
Here’s the truth: Yes, I was booked.
Some of my appointments are booked until the day I die.
For example?
If you ask me, “Bo, what will you be doing on Tuesday nights in the year 2025?” I’ll answer, “Having dates with my lovely wife.”
How do I know?
Since we got married 12 years ago, I’ve given my Tuesday nights to her.
Having weekly dates with her has been the bedrock of our marriage. Our lifesaver. Our refreshment. Our bond. Our joy.
I also have weekly dates with my 2 boys on Monday afternoon.
I have weekly lunches with my 85-year old Mom on Wednesdays.
These are my non-negotiable appointments in my life.
That’s why my relationships are strong. Vibrant. Life-giving.
That’s why my family life is tight.
I set these appointments for years—no, for decades—in advance.
Why?
Because if you’re not going to design your future, someone else will.
Don’t Let Thieves Steal Away Your Family’s Future
There are thieves that want to steal away your family life.
Thieves like Busyness.
Hurry-titis. (An epidemic today!)
Materialism.
TV addiction.
Selfishness.
Adultery.
Money problems.
Protect your family!
How? Next to God, make your family first.
I’d like to personally invite you to take my 7-Session Online Course, Relationship Reborn. You don’t have to go anywhere. From the comfort of your homes, you can listen or watch me talk about what you can do to enrich your family life. Yes, you can have a great marriage. Yes, you can have a great relationship with your kids.
Don’t leave it to chance. To design the future of your family life, log on at www.FamilyReborn.com now.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez
PS. Protect your Family Life. What kind of future do you want? To design your future for your family, log on at www.FamilyReborn.com now.
MY THOUGHTS
what kind of thieves do you have? we see them all over. inside our homes. in other homes. what's sad is, we don't even know they are thieves. we think we're being busy for our loved ones, working hard so we can provide for them. only to find that, in out business, in our desire to provide the material things, we have failed to protect our relationships with them. think about this now. before it's too late.
Friday, January 7, 2011
DR. WILLIAM PETIT ON THE UNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDY IN CONNECTICUT
IN HIS FIRST INTERVIEW: GRIEVING HUSBAND AND FATHER DR. WILLIAM PETIT ON THE UNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDY IN CONNECTICUT
In one of the most horrific crimes in recent memory, the Petit family was destroyed during an unimaginable night of evil that left people across the country gasping in horror. Three years later, Oprah visits Dr. William Petit at his parents' Connecticut home to talk about the tragic loss of his family and the strength he found to move forward.
Dr. Petit had been married to his wife, Jennifer, a nurse, for 22 years. Their 17-year-old daughter Hayley was captain of her high school basketball team and headed to Dartmouth College in the fall. Eleven-year-old Michaela loved to cook and was just starting to come into her own.
On a Sunday morning in July 2007, the close-knit Petit family attended church services in their Connecticut suburb like they usually did. The beautiful weather and typical summer day gave no premonition of the terror about to take place.
According to police, a convicted felon who was out on parole randomly spotted Jennifer and Michaela at a neighborhood convenience store. After following them home, 44-year-old Steven Hayes and 26-year-old Joshua Komisarjevsky allegedly plotted out a horrific home invasion.
Michaela cooked Sunday dinner for her family that night, and Dr. Petit fell asleep reading the paper while the girls watched television and headed off to bed.
At 3 a.m., the two armed intruders broke in. Dr. Petit was the first victim, bludgeoned with a baseball bat and tied unconscious to a pole in the basement. Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela were bound to their beds and tortured throughout the night.
At daybreak, Jennifer was forced to go to a bank and withdraw money for her kidnappers. She slipped a note to the bank teller explaining her family's hostage situation and withdrew $15,000, desperately hoping it would save her family's lives.
Instead, the unthinkable happened. Michaela was allegedly sexually assaulted while tied to her childhood bed. Just minutes after returning from the bank with the money, Jennifer was raped and strangled to death. Her body and the house were doused with gasoline.
Meanwhile, Dr. Petit woke up in the basement. With his feet still bound, he hopped up the stairs and crawled across the yard to a neighbor's house to get help—but it was too late. The Petits' home quickly went up in flames. Hayley managed to free herself from her restraints but died at the top of the stairs from smoke inhalation. Michaela died still bound to her bed. Their mother's body was burned beyond recognition.
"I went to sleep one night in a nice home with a loving family and basically awakened in an emergency room naked on a gurney with no clothes, no family, no home," Dr. Petit says. "Everything was gone."
According to police, just minutes after the house set on fire, Hayes and Komisarjevsky stole the family's minivan and crashed head-on into a police roadblock while trying to flee the gruesome scene.
Although it was extremely difficult, Dr. Petit was present every day of Steven Hayes' trial. "I was the only face left in our family, so I needed to be there," he says. Dr. Petit says he left the room during the medical examiner's reports. "Too much to hear. I cried," he says.
More than three years after the murders, Hayes was convicted on all counts except arson and sentenced to death. After the verdict was given, Dr. Petit spoke from outside the courthouse. "This is a verdict for justice," he said. "I think the defendant faces far more serious punishment from the Lord than he can ever face from mankind."
Jury selection for the trial of Hayes' alleged co-conspirator, Komisarjevsky, is expected to begin in February 2011. Kominsarjevsky has pled not guilty to all charges.
Oprah: Was there any satisfaction for you [in Hayes] getting the death penalty as a sentence?
Dr. Petit: Just the satisfaction that I think it's the appropriate penalty. I think God wants us to hate evil. I think God tells us to abide by man's law.
Oprah: How did it feel to you to sit in that courtroom every day and have your family referred to as "the victims" or "alleged victims" and have the perpetrator of this crime referred to by his name every day?
Dr. Petit: It's the death by a thousand paper cuts. You're absolutely right. You sit there and they talk about the "alleged victims." And I always think, "I will drive you to the cemetery and show you the 'alleged victims.'" You know? The decedents. You want to jump up and say: "They have names. They're people. Their names were Jennifer and Hayley and Michaela."
Although the media has been fixated on how the Petit women died, Dr. Petit wants the world to remember how they lived. Jennifer Hawke met Dr. Petit in 1981 when he was a doctor and she was a pediatric nurse at the same hospital. They married four years later and had two daughters. Jennifer suffered from multiple sclerosis, but those who knew her say she never complained.
Family and friends say Jennifer loved being a mother and raising her girls and was also a second mom to students at the boarding school where she worked. "The boarding school life, there are a lot of kids from far away," Dr. Petit says. "So she spent a lot of time with the kids—part nurse and part mother."
Dr. Petit has not returned to his medical practice since losing his family, but he thinks Jennifer would want him to. "She'd probably want me to go back to medicine," he says. "Wives are prejudiced. She said I was the smartest guy she ever knew."
Jennifer and Dr. Petit's oldest daughter, Hayley, excelled in school and served as co-captain of both her high school basketball and rowing teams. She was an "A" student and was headed to prestigious Dartmouth College with dreams of becoming a doctor like her father. Hayley wrote her college admissions essay about her dad, who gave her her first doctor's bag at the age of 4.
Hayley was a caring big sister and a natural leader. She started Hayley's Hope, an organization to raise money for multiple sclerosis in hopes of saving her mom.
In Dr. Petit's impact statement, he said one of the things he will regret most is that Hayley didn't live to have a one true love. Hayley was not dating, but Dr. Petit says he knows there was one boy who was very special to her. "He's a wonderful kid," he says. "He's a varsity basketball player, and I think she loved him."
Michaela, the Petits' youngest daughter, was also known as KK Rosebud, a special nickname her dad gave her. She was a sixth-grader who loved to dance and jump on the trampoline. She had a talent for gardening, and although she was just 11 years old, her true passion was cooking. Dr. Petit says Michaela loved to watch the Food Network and cooked the family's last meal, bruschetta and pasta.
Michaela's favorite quote was: "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
At his family's memorial service, Dr. Petit says he had a strong need to speak for Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela. "If there's anything to be gained from the senseless deaths of my beautiful family, it's for us to all go forward," he said. "Help a neighbor, fight for a cause, love your family."
Oprah: Are you able to think of their life and the fullness of their life? Or are you still more focused on the day they died and how they died?
Dr. Petit: There's some of both. The daytime's easier to focus on positive things. Falling asleep and waking up are the hardest times. The transitions from sleep to wakefulness. It pretty much comes back every day.
Oprah: Do you fear going to sleep?
Dr. Petit: In the beginning, I feared sleeping. ... I was completely fried. I was just walking around in a daze, and just intrusive thoughts banging into your brain every second, every minute, where you're playing events over and over and over again in your mind.
Dr. Petit's extended family is as close as families get. His sister Hanna Chapman was best friends with Jennifer. And Hanna always treated her brother's daughters like they were her own children.
When police needed someone to identify the bodies of Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela, they asked Hanna and Dr. Petit's brother Glenn to go. Hanna says she still struggles with what she saw at the police station. "On top of my pain, I have the horrid images of the torture that they suffered for seven hours in that house, in their sanctuary, in their bedrooms in the middle of the night in the dark," she says. "I can't help but think what they were thinking, or what they were saying, and what they were praying for."
Despite the emotional toll of identifying her family members' bodies—Jennifer's was so disfigured she had to be identified using dental records—Hanna says she doesn't have second thoughts about agreeing to the request. "I don't regret having done it; I regret having to do it," she says. "I regret that they asked any one of us to do it. I regret the fact that this evil came into their home."
Dr. Petit says some people have tried to help him cope with grief by advising him to live in the moment. "I thought, 'That's okay for people who have a past they can touch and a future they can dream for,'" he says. "But when you feel like a lot of your past is gone and there's no future, the present loses some meaning."
Instead, Dr. Petit says he has found a reason to keep living—though he says he thought about suicide—through religion and faith. "I thought in the afterlife if I was going to meet up with my family, if I did that, then maybe I would never meet up with them again," he says. "I wasn't willing to take that chance."
Oprah: Will there ever be closure for you?
Dr. Petit: I don't think there's ever closure. I just...I don't think there is. People will probably argue with me, but I just don't think you can lose your whole family and have closure. Like I said, there's a jagged hole in your heart, there's a jagged hole in your soul. Over time, the waves of goodness going back and forth maybe smooth the jagged edges a little bit, but the hole remains. I don't think you fill it in. Forty months later, that's how I feel.
Started with money donated by friends, community members and complete strangers, the Petit Family Foundation preserves the memory of Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela by promoting causes the Petit women held close to their hearts. So far, the foundation has raised more than $1.5 million.
"What we are trying to do is to fund educational programs, especially in the sciences, and hopefully that will help young women," Dr. Petit says. "Secondly, to help perhaps with the educational aspects of some chronic illnesses like multiple sclerosis—that Jen had—and certainly to help those affected by violence."
Dr. Petit says the foundation has helped him see that the world is not only darkness and evil. "It makes me feel that there are really a lot of good people in the world that reach out," he says. "You know, somebody from California wrote in and said: 'Here's my check for $500. This is for scholarships for women. You're going to get this from me every year until the day I die because of your daughter Hayley.'"
MY THOUGHTS
i thought the vizconde case was bad enough. this certainly is worse. except, of course, dr.petit got justice. but he's right, in time, he will heal. but there will always be a hole. i don't really have much to say. what can you say when something like this happens.
In one of the most horrific crimes in recent memory, the Petit family was destroyed during an unimaginable night of evil that left people across the country gasping in horror. Three years later, Oprah visits Dr. William Petit at his parents' Connecticut home to talk about the tragic loss of his family and the strength he found to move forward.
Dr. Petit had been married to his wife, Jennifer, a nurse, for 22 years. Their 17-year-old daughter Hayley was captain of her high school basketball team and headed to Dartmouth College in the fall. Eleven-year-old Michaela loved to cook and was just starting to come into her own.
On a Sunday morning in July 2007, the close-knit Petit family attended church services in their Connecticut suburb like they usually did. The beautiful weather and typical summer day gave no premonition of the terror about to take place.
According to police, a convicted felon who was out on parole randomly spotted Jennifer and Michaela at a neighborhood convenience store. After following them home, 44-year-old Steven Hayes and 26-year-old Joshua Komisarjevsky allegedly plotted out a horrific home invasion.
Michaela cooked Sunday dinner for her family that night, and Dr. Petit fell asleep reading the paper while the girls watched television and headed off to bed.
At 3 a.m., the two armed intruders broke in. Dr. Petit was the first victim, bludgeoned with a baseball bat and tied unconscious to a pole in the basement. Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela were bound to their beds and tortured throughout the night.
At daybreak, Jennifer was forced to go to a bank and withdraw money for her kidnappers. She slipped a note to the bank teller explaining her family's hostage situation and withdrew $15,000, desperately hoping it would save her family's lives.
Instead, the unthinkable happened. Michaela was allegedly sexually assaulted while tied to her childhood bed. Just minutes after returning from the bank with the money, Jennifer was raped and strangled to death. Her body and the house were doused with gasoline.
Meanwhile, Dr. Petit woke up in the basement. With his feet still bound, he hopped up the stairs and crawled across the yard to a neighbor's house to get help—but it was too late. The Petits' home quickly went up in flames. Hayley managed to free herself from her restraints but died at the top of the stairs from smoke inhalation. Michaela died still bound to her bed. Their mother's body was burned beyond recognition.
"I went to sleep one night in a nice home with a loving family and basically awakened in an emergency room naked on a gurney with no clothes, no family, no home," Dr. Petit says. "Everything was gone."
According to police, just minutes after the house set on fire, Hayes and Komisarjevsky stole the family's minivan and crashed head-on into a police roadblock while trying to flee the gruesome scene.
Although it was extremely difficult, Dr. Petit was present every day of Steven Hayes' trial. "I was the only face left in our family, so I needed to be there," he says. Dr. Petit says he left the room during the medical examiner's reports. "Too much to hear. I cried," he says.
More than three years after the murders, Hayes was convicted on all counts except arson and sentenced to death. After the verdict was given, Dr. Petit spoke from outside the courthouse. "This is a verdict for justice," he said. "I think the defendant faces far more serious punishment from the Lord than he can ever face from mankind."
Jury selection for the trial of Hayes' alleged co-conspirator, Komisarjevsky, is expected to begin in February 2011. Kominsarjevsky has pled not guilty to all charges.
Oprah: Was there any satisfaction for you [in Hayes] getting the death penalty as a sentence?
Dr. Petit: Just the satisfaction that I think it's the appropriate penalty. I think God wants us to hate evil. I think God tells us to abide by man's law.
Oprah: How did it feel to you to sit in that courtroom every day and have your family referred to as "the victims" or "alleged victims" and have the perpetrator of this crime referred to by his name every day?
Dr. Petit: It's the death by a thousand paper cuts. You're absolutely right. You sit there and they talk about the "alleged victims." And I always think, "I will drive you to the cemetery and show you the 'alleged victims.'" You know? The decedents. You want to jump up and say: "They have names. They're people. Their names were Jennifer and Hayley and Michaela."
Although the media has been fixated on how the Petit women died, Dr. Petit wants the world to remember how they lived. Jennifer Hawke met Dr. Petit in 1981 when he was a doctor and she was a pediatric nurse at the same hospital. They married four years later and had two daughters. Jennifer suffered from multiple sclerosis, but those who knew her say she never complained.
Family and friends say Jennifer loved being a mother and raising her girls and was also a second mom to students at the boarding school where she worked. "The boarding school life, there are a lot of kids from far away," Dr. Petit says. "So she spent a lot of time with the kids—part nurse and part mother."
Dr. Petit has not returned to his medical practice since losing his family, but he thinks Jennifer would want him to. "She'd probably want me to go back to medicine," he says. "Wives are prejudiced. She said I was the smartest guy she ever knew."
Jennifer and Dr. Petit's oldest daughter, Hayley, excelled in school and served as co-captain of both her high school basketball and rowing teams. She was an "A" student and was headed to prestigious Dartmouth College with dreams of becoming a doctor like her father. Hayley wrote her college admissions essay about her dad, who gave her her first doctor's bag at the age of 4.
Hayley was a caring big sister and a natural leader. She started Hayley's Hope, an organization to raise money for multiple sclerosis in hopes of saving her mom.
In Dr. Petit's impact statement, he said one of the things he will regret most is that Hayley didn't live to have a one true love. Hayley was not dating, but Dr. Petit says he knows there was one boy who was very special to her. "He's a wonderful kid," he says. "He's a varsity basketball player, and I think she loved him."
Michaela, the Petits' youngest daughter, was also known as KK Rosebud, a special nickname her dad gave her. She was a sixth-grader who loved to dance and jump on the trampoline. She had a talent for gardening, and although she was just 11 years old, her true passion was cooking. Dr. Petit says Michaela loved to watch the Food Network and cooked the family's last meal, bruschetta and pasta.
Michaela's favorite quote was: "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
At his family's memorial service, Dr. Petit says he had a strong need to speak for Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela. "If there's anything to be gained from the senseless deaths of my beautiful family, it's for us to all go forward," he said. "Help a neighbor, fight for a cause, love your family."
Oprah: Are you able to think of their life and the fullness of their life? Or are you still more focused on the day they died and how they died?
Dr. Petit: There's some of both. The daytime's easier to focus on positive things. Falling asleep and waking up are the hardest times. The transitions from sleep to wakefulness. It pretty much comes back every day.
Oprah: Do you fear going to sleep?
Dr. Petit: In the beginning, I feared sleeping. ... I was completely fried. I was just walking around in a daze, and just intrusive thoughts banging into your brain every second, every minute, where you're playing events over and over and over again in your mind.
Dr. Petit's extended family is as close as families get. His sister Hanna Chapman was best friends with Jennifer. And Hanna always treated her brother's daughters like they were her own children.
When police needed someone to identify the bodies of Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela, they asked Hanna and Dr. Petit's brother Glenn to go. Hanna says she still struggles with what she saw at the police station. "On top of my pain, I have the horrid images of the torture that they suffered for seven hours in that house, in their sanctuary, in their bedrooms in the middle of the night in the dark," she says. "I can't help but think what they were thinking, or what they were saying, and what they were praying for."
Despite the emotional toll of identifying her family members' bodies—Jennifer's was so disfigured she had to be identified using dental records—Hanna says she doesn't have second thoughts about agreeing to the request. "I don't regret having done it; I regret having to do it," she says. "I regret that they asked any one of us to do it. I regret the fact that this evil came into their home."
Dr. Petit says some people have tried to help him cope with grief by advising him to live in the moment. "I thought, 'That's okay for people who have a past they can touch and a future they can dream for,'" he says. "But when you feel like a lot of your past is gone and there's no future, the present loses some meaning."
Instead, Dr. Petit says he has found a reason to keep living—though he says he thought about suicide—through religion and faith. "I thought in the afterlife if I was going to meet up with my family, if I did that, then maybe I would never meet up with them again," he says. "I wasn't willing to take that chance."
Oprah: Will there ever be closure for you?
Dr. Petit: I don't think there's ever closure. I just...I don't think there is. People will probably argue with me, but I just don't think you can lose your whole family and have closure. Like I said, there's a jagged hole in your heart, there's a jagged hole in your soul. Over time, the waves of goodness going back and forth maybe smooth the jagged edges a little bit, but the hole remains. I don't think you fill it in. Forty months later, that's how I feel.
Started with money donated by friends, community members and complete strangers, the Petit Family Foundation preserves the memory of Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela by promoting causes the Petit women held close to their hearts. So far, the foundation has raised more than $1.5 million.
"What we are trying to do is to fund educational programs, especially in the sciences, and hopefully that will help young women," Dr. Petit says. "Secondly, to help perhaps with the educational aspects of some chronic illnesses like multiple sclerosis—that Jen had—and certainly to help those affected by violence."
Dr. Petit says the foundation has helped him see that the world is not only darkness and evil. "It makes me feel that there are really a lot of good people in the world that reach out," he says. "You know, somebody from California wrote in and said: 'Here's my check for $500. This is for scholarships for women. You're going to get this from me every year until the day I die because of your daughter Hayley.'"
MY THOUGHTS
i thought the vizconde case was bad enough. this certainly is worse. except, of course, dr.petit got justice. but he's right, in time, he will heal. but there will always be a hole. i don't really have much to say. what can you say when something like this happens.
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