AN ALTERNATIVE TO NAGGING

GIVING TIMELY FEEDBACK (An alternative to 'NAGGING")
from the aricle "How to Give Feedback That Works"
By Kimberly Weisul | February 11, 2011

Every manager (and parent) knows that constructive feedback is key to improving performance. But what makes the feedback most effective? It turns out timing is almost everything.

Here are key Principles:

Reserach Findings:

- Giving people feedback after a “short delay”– shortly after they completed a task–actually improved performance more than offering up the same feedback immediately. Wait too long, though, and the feedback again becomes useless.

- Immediate feedback prevents people from learning from their mistakes. Those who got feedback right away were least likely to keep exploring on their own.

- Wait before offering advice. Waiting a short time before offering advice seemed to give the individual a chance to learn on their own, and then to incorporate the advice.

- Wait too long after the task is completed, and the feedback seems to fall on deaf ears. They seemed to find the information more confusing than helpful.

- Feedback given at the ‘wrong’ moment is pretty much pointless. Those who got help immediately and those who got it after a long delay were more likely to say they did not get enough information to complete the maze.

When do you typically give people feedback–or when have you received feedback? What time works best for you?

MY THOUGHTS

originally, i was planning to post this under 'workplace communication'. on hind sight, it seems to be helpful tips for giving feedback at home, too. in fact, parents and older relatives should try to apply this principle when dealing with the younger generation. no wonder all our well-meaning 'talks' keep falling on deaf ears! out timingis probably off most of the time.

FRUGAL VACATIONS

Frugal Vacations
Tips To Have Vacation Fun On A Budget
www.frugal-living-tips.com

Frugal vacations can be fun, it just takes a little more planning ahead that’s all.

I have had many vacations over the years on a budget and I definitely would not say that they were not just as fun as anyone else’s. In fact more so as I didn’t come home worrying about how I was going to pay for it all.

Here are my tips on how to have a fun packed, interesting vacation for those on a tight budget.

1. Visit friends and family

I know what you're thinking, “How is that a holiday?” Some might even say that a week at the in laws would be less than enticing. However think about it, you will be able to stay for free and will be able to go out exploring the local area on your own every day.

Don’t forget that if you do this that you should chip in for any food supplied by your family and always return the favour, so let them know they are welcome to come and stay with you.

Perhaps it would be a good opportunity to go and see those long lost relatives who perhaps emigrated years ago.

2. House swaps

This is quite a new concept for many but is a great choice for the more adventurous of you out there. Basically you arrange to swap houses with someone else who is looking to come and stay in your area. There are agencies set up to help you arrange this and there are safe guards in place so that you won’t feel worried about letting strangers stay in your home.

Home Exchange is one just organisation that can help you have a great vacation somewhere totally unique and give you an experience you won’t forget. Don’t believe me! Here is a testimonial from someone who has used this service.
http://www.homeexchange.com/

"My husband and I recently returned from a 3 week exchange to Berlin, Germany. We exchanged our home in San Antonio, TX for a lovely 2000 SF apartment centrally located in Berlin. The exchange went very smoothly and both families enjoyed the exchange very much. We kept in touch with the family in our home via E-Mail during the exchange. This is our 3rd exchange and we are very pleased with Home Exchange. Looking forward to more great exchanges!"
Carol and Carl Lahser: San Antonio, Texas, USA

3. Camping

One of the best frugal vacations I have personally been on was a camping trip last summer with my family. We had such a laugh and it was just like going back to being a kid again.

How you camp is entirely up to you. Some camp sites provide the bare minimum and are suited to those who really enjoy living wild. Whilst other campsites provide all sorts of comforts, such as a shop, bar, laundry services, luxury shower blocks etc.

You don’t even need to camp in a tent any more, many camp site offer cabins of yurts to rent.

4. Frugal vacations Out Of Season

No matter what you choose to do try to book your vacation out of season. You will find that the cost of nearly everything will be cheaper, from flights to accommodation. Even restaurant eating is cheaper as they are more likely to have out of season offer to entice customers.

5. Group vacations

Why not club together with some of your friends and book a vacation you would not be able to afford on your own. Many house vacation rentals are very expensive but rightly so in some cases where you could stay in super luxury accommodation with swimming pools, steam rooms, games room etc etc.

The cost of food can also be split amongst you all, as well as taking it in turns to cook. This is my idea of luxury frugal vacations and I only wish they were around when I was in my
twenties.

6. Meals

Buy or make your own breakfast and Dinner if staying self catering. Meals out can cost a fortune and can be your biggest expense. Instead choose to only eat out once a day. Lunch menus are always cheaper than evening meals even though the food may be very similar, so make your lunchtime meal the main meal of the day and treat yourself to some of the local food.

MY THOUGHTS

i don't know. i like living in style when on vacation. that's why it's a vacation, isn't it? i wanna sleep in a room much better than mine, sip champagne while watching tv, wearing that fluffy white robe, waking up really late, having breakfast in bed, falling asleep on the tub. lucky for me i am able to do all these sometimes as part of my job. except when it's work coz you hardly ever stay in the hotel room. and you fall asleep in the tub because of fatigue.

ARE YOU READY TO BE AN EMPTY-NESTER?

Q&A – How Can I Stop Feeling Lonely?
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D, LifeScript Personal Coach
Published March 27, 2008
Reviewed John H. Sklare, Ed.D

Q: This past week has been really rough. My oldest daughter graduated from college and moved 17 hours away, and my second child is a college freshman at a school two hours away. The nights are so lonely after work, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I spent years going to both of my children’s school activities. I know I just need to keep busy, but a person can only clean and watch TV so much. My husband has adjusted to the children being out of the house, but I just can’t relax or even go to sleep without crying.

-Barb L.

A: Hi Barb,

There are a lot of mothers whose ears just perked up when they read your question. The empty-nest syndrome is an intensely emotional issue that many parents, primarily women, experience when their children leave home and begin making a life of their own. There are some very common symptoms of this syndrome, and you describe them perfectly, Barb. You feel as if your usefulness has ended and experience a deep sense of loneliness, loss and excessive crying.

Many people seek counseling during this time as a way to help them cope and move on, but most seem to adjust over time. The bottom line, however, is that the time has come to find new purpose and new ways to spend your time. Cleaning and watching TV is just not going to be that helpful. Staying in touch with your children by phone and email is a great idea, but you must be careful not to smother them. After all, successful parenting should lead a child to the front door eventually. Consider doing volunteer work, develop a new hobby, or even get involved in an online support group for other parents also dealing with the empty-nest syndrome. And I’m sure there will be many suggestions in the comment section of this page from mothers who share your agony and feel your pain. The bottom line, however, is that your situation is absolutely survivable, Barb. But only you can find what will help you transition into the next phase of your life. Focusing on how much you miss the past will only exacerbate your pain and extend your misery. But a combination of anticipating the future and taking positive action will go a long way toward helping you take a step forward.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

MY THOUGHTS

this is a reality.a harsh one but a reality nevertheless. some parents are so scared of becoming empty-nesters they plot ways to keep their adult children at home. very selfish.

i know it's hard. i don't have kids of my own but i can't help being lonely when my nieces start spending less and less time in my bedroom. because they are moving into teenage life, their world is expanding. and fast. i have to remind myself that this is something that can't be stopped. and i thank God for the chance to be with them while they were kids.

Working Moms and Guilt

MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski: Why Working Moms Should Stop Feeling Guilty
Susanna Schrobsdorff ON Jan 25, 2010 at 1:02PM

Women now make up 50 percent of the American workforce. Now if only working moms could shed 50 percent of the guilt they carry around. Mastering the life-balance thing may be an impossible quest, but MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski has come out with a refreshingly candid book about her bumpy ride to the top of TV news and why she believes that the time she spends building her career is as good for her two daughters, ages 11 and 13, as the time she spends at home.

Her story has struck a chord. The book, All Things at Once, just became a New York Times bestseller and her tour has been packed with long lines of admiring women (and men). Of course, Brzezinski, 42, is no ordinary working mom. She's up at 3:30 am every day to cohost an influential political show, Morning Joe, and she follows that up with a radio broadcast.

The straight-talking Brzezinski spoke to iVillage about her job, her book and the lessons she learned after she became so exhausted that she fell down the stairs holding her infant daughter, leaving the baby with a broken leg.

You caused some controversy recently when you wrote a blog post saying women shouldn't put off having kids till their career is established.

I've been really misunderstood on this so I'll try and be as clear as I can. If children and family are something you want in your life, I would not put off looking for that to happen. If the opportunity for love strikes in your 20's, and you hold off till your mid-30s because there's some rule that you have to wait till your career is at a certain point before you can have a kid, you are an idiot. I'm not saying go back to the 1950s, I'm saying, look, it's hard to find a good guy so increase your chances by starting at an early age, just like you do for your job.

So how do you do all things at once and still do them well?

For me, my career would be nothing if I didn't have kids that have grown through it with me. You don't need to have your career first then have kids and keep them in separate boxes. Think of them of them as a set of cultivating experiences that can interrelate in a challenging, tough and incredibly fulfilling way. If you want to nurture the career, your kids will survive. If you love the work, if it's true to your identity, you will be a more cultivated, happier person and that's good for the kids. You're growing yourself for them.

You wrote that after you fell with your baby daughter you re-evaluated your life and got more childcare. Why is it so hard for women to ask for help?

I think we as mothers who work feel a tremendous friction in our own minds about transferring the authority over our children to someone else. We feel guilty about it and we're control freaks. We leave the house and think, "Are they doing it right?" But you have to let go. I learned that by making the worst mistake of my life. I wanted to show the world I could be supermom and have this amazing network job. I wanted to be all things to all people. I learned after the accident with Carlie -- which was the worst way to have to learn a lesson because that accident was my fault -- that if I'm going to work, that there are times I have got to let people help.

Is it difficult to switch into mom mode after work?

There are times when I work for three days straight and I barely see my daughters. I just kiss them good night because I'm better off not seeing them because it's hard for me to transition. Then I'll throw myself into them for like 36 hours. I know that's very unpredictable for them, and guess what, that's my household.

You're in amazing shape. How do you manage that on top of work and your family?

I get home and I'm dead tired -- I've been up since 3:30 in the morning, and I want to sleep so badly -- but I've got to jog at least a few miles and I'll have a little less time with the kids but I will have run and I'll feel better with them. Exercise is essential for me. No excuses. Do you need to look like a supermodel? No. But do you want to feel exhausted and overweight for your husband and your kids and your job? Is that the best way to present yourself? No.

Any advice for new moms who are going back to work?

First: Put away the guilt. You're going back to work, face it and get the job done. Stop with the tears. Celebrate it. You're doing this not only for yourself, but for your kids. Second: Don't try to overcompensate when you come home. Work on your time management realistically. And take care of yourself. Do not let yourself fall apart because you will pay for that in the end and so will your kids and your marriage.

Do you have guilt about being a working mom -- and how do you deal with it?


MY THOUGHTS

I'm not a mom but i know how difficult it is to try and balance work and personal concerns. Taking care of things all at once is not a good idea. In my book, the best is still to compartmentalize and concentrate - one thing at a time. I found out that if I work really hard on workdays, I can have quality time for myself and my family on weekends. Of course, it doesn't always happen that way. But work on weekends or personal concerns on workweeks is more of an exception. The thing is, the more effective you are at work, the more you find yourself effective at home.




http://www.ivillage.com/msnbcs-mika-brzezinski-why-working-moms-should-stop-feeling-guilty/1-a-75134?nlcid=in|01-28-2010|

LESSONS FOR A SON

Lessons for a son, just in case
By Jonathan Comey
First Person
January 23, 2011 12:00 AM

I had fairly major surgery a few months ago and, in the nights before the procedure, my mind naturally turned to all of the complications that could ensue.

Especially what I privately referred to, in my own dark way, as the "ultimate complication."

With these thoughts came other thoughts, mostly about my son. When I was a boy, I'd sometimes happen across sealed letters from my mother with my name written on the front. I was told that these were in the event of "¦ well, in the event of ultimate complications.

I never had the urge to read these letters, and scoffed at them in my blissful ignorance, but as the date of that surgery neared 30 years later, I understood my mom completely. Most of raising a child is a mix of maintenance and mischief, but the goal of every parent is for their kids to grow up with a set of values that will serve them well, values that will give them a chance at success, happiness and understanding.

And so, for the first time, I asked myself: What did I want to teach my son about the world if, by chance, I was no longer in it?

Be kind to other people.

Be loyal and cautious. Never stop having fun.

Enjoy all different types of weather. Stay up late during a blizzard or a thunderstorm or a hot summer's night, watch the sky and mull over the meaning of it all.

Always remember that as an American you were born luckier, freer, healthier and more privileged than almost all of the people on earth. It might not always seem so, but most don't have what you take for granted.

Eat anything you want as long as it's in moderation. This is better for you physically and mentally. Don't drink too much. Drugs and cigarettes are very hard to quit and you will eventually want to quit them in the worst way. Don't start.

Try not to judge others. Everyone is shaped by their environment and genetics in ways they can't control. Look for the best parts of people.

Be friendly to older people. They love it. It restores their faith in humanity.

Wear your seatbelt, and never drive drunk. Be a designated driver for others.

The true joy of life is bringing joy to others. Sometimes this can feel like a burden, but it's worth it.

Don't let your friendships fall apart. Once you've made a friend, they feel kinship with you for life, whether they try to keep it alive or not. This also sometimes feels like a burden, but is worth it.

Don't dwell on what should be. Deal with what is and how to make the most of it.

Don't be afraid to commit to love. Focus on what you love about your spouse and not what you don't. Accept that monogamy is difficult.

Don't sweat politics. You can't change the system, and you don't really know what's going on anyway. Put your trust in the people who seem the most real, and hope for the best.

Stay away from war at all costs. Do not join the fight unless the cause is so blindingly just that you have no other choice. Support your country at all times. Don't bash the president. He or she is doing the best they can.

Enjoy as many different types of music, movies and games as you can. There's something wonderful in all of it.

You're never quite as good at things as you think you are, but that's OK. Shooting high usually produces a good result, even if it leaves you feeling unfulfilled.

Grandparents are special in ways that your parents aren't. Let them spoil you, but never be ungrateful.

Don't keep secrets. It's hard to tell the truth sometimes, but secrets make you feel worse.

Be really careful on bicycles and in cars. They are super dangerous.

There is some type of higher power, but I don't know what it is. The unknown can be scary. You'll spend a lot of nights thinking about what it all means, and that's not bad. The mornings will follow.

When people you love die, always keep pictures of them close. It's not easy, knowing they're not around, but your memories can be the next best thing. Talk to them. They are still with you.

Finally, and most importantly: Have kids. It's scary, and it always threatens to break your heart and it's frustrating and it's tiring and it'll clean out your bank account and it'll sometimes make you absolutely crazy "¦ but it's the best part of life.

Jonathan Comey is sports editor of The Standard-Times.

MY THOUGHTS

i don't know why i'm sharing this. maybe because i sometimes think of writing to some people, just in case.

Chinese adults can't take parents' money

Now, Chinese adults can't take parents' money
IANS
Posted on Jan 22, 2011 at 05:14pm IST

Shanghai: In a bid to ensure elderly persons' social welfare, parents in an east China province have been empowered by a new law to decline their adult children's monetary demands.

The People's Congress of Jiangsu province passed an ordinance Friday which forbids adult children from demanding money or belongings from their parents in a forcible way, China Daily reported Saturday.

The provision is widely seen as an attempt to discourage the NEET group - a name used to refer collectively to young people who chose to live off their parents rather than seek steady employment, attend school or enroll in special training.

Zhao Jianyang, director of the administrative law department, Law Committee of the Standing Committee of the People's Congress of Jiangsu, said: "The right conferred on elderly parents to refuse requests for financial support will help parents who have children in the NEET group."

The provision, the first of its kind in China, contains an important caveat - children will not be violating the law if they obtain financial assistance from parents who are willing to lend a hand.

It's part of an ordinance designed to protect the rights of the elderly (those over 60 years old) in Jiangsu.

The ordinance, however, encourages adult children to make regular visits to their parents' homes and take care of their elderly parents.

In one of several recent trends in China, more young people have adopted the NEET lifestyle as a means of leading a more comfortable existence.

According to the statistics released by the China Research Center on Aging last year, up to 30 percent of young people fall into the NEET category and 65 percent of families must contend with NEET children.

The new provision has drawn varying reactions.

Gao Jianming, a 55-year-old teacher in Xuzhou, Jiangsu province, said the provision will benefit him and his ilk.

"I've noticed the NEET problem among my friends whose children are too dependent on their parents, which is wrong. Parents should have the right to enjoy their elderly years with their own money," said Gao.

He also said that the society will benefit from the call for adult children to pay regular visits to their parents.

Jiang Xuelai, a 25-year-old private employee in Wuxi, Jiangsu province, said: "The regulation will likely lead to discord in families and disputes on financial issues."

MY THOUGHTS

we find laws like this to be too invasive. and yet, such laws would not have been enforced, much less thought of, if there was no need for it. the problem with us is we want to be free of restrictions. and it's our immature view of freedom that prompts the need for us to be restricted. maybe we should copy china. maybe there should be a law against parasite children who exploits their parents. and maybe there should be a law against parents who continue to make parasites out of their children.

How to End Sibling Feuds

How to End Sibling Feuds
By Judy Ford, eHow Contributor

Are you tired playing referee between sibling squabbles? Do you sometimes find yourself yelling, "cut it out," to stop your kids from yelling at each other? Sibling rivalry is unavoidable in family life, however helping the kids learn to settle their own conflicts will get you out of the middle. When siblings are teasing one other, bickering over the toys, or fighting about who gets the biggest cookie, it's time to take the battle ground to the peace table. With coaching from you even toddlers can begin settling quarrels with friendly negotiations.

Instructions

1

Look for the underlying cause. To minimize your kid's quarreling recognize what is triggering the outbursts. Is your child tired, hungry, feeling left out, needing more of your attention, or bored? If you suspect that this may be the cause, ask, "What can we do to make things better?'

2

Encourage siblings to talk about what's going on. Talking things through eliminates sulking and whining. You might ask: "I wonder what started this fight? or "Are you willing to tell me what happened?" Or simply say: "Let's talk about it at the peace table."

3

Sit at the peace table. A peace table is a designated spot where everyone can talk with out being interrupted. Each child takes a turn explaining what happened. The peace table is a safe place where everyone gets a chance to be heard.

4

Remind the kids about the rules of conduct: no name calling, no hitting, no shoving allowed. At the peace table everyone gets a turn to listen and a turn to talk.

5

Let all the kids suggest a solution. Don't underestimate kids ability to solve the problems. As the parent you are the leader in the negotiation. Ask each child, "What is your solution?" Remember conflicts are not all bad. In fact solving a disagreement often brings kids closer. Tell the kids, "I know you will figure this out." Tell them that you are glad that they are learning to solve conflicts by negotiating.

6

Don't force togetherness. While it is okay to encourage siblings to share their possessions and toys, it is not okay to force. Forcing causes resentments which leads to more bickering later.
7

Give genuine approval when they work things through and cooperate.


Tips & Warnings

The more you can teach children to solve their own conflicts, the quicker their fighting will end.

Be aware that your children are learning by observing and mimicking how you handle your disagreements.

MY THOUGHTS

that looks easy. try being the peacemaker between squabbling adult siblings. well, the peace table is such a good idea. having that early will probably reduce the adult squabbles.