Q&A - How Can I Become a Punctual Person?
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 11, 2008
Q: I am 33 years old and have a 3-year-old son. I cannot get up in the mornings, I’m always late and I procrastinate all the time. I need to find motivation. Do you know of a good plan that might help? Do you think this could be hereditary? I need to break the cycle!
-Audra B.
A: Hi Audra,
I remember this issue very well with my younger brother when we were growing up. He didn’t like getting up early either, and as a result, it always created stress and chaos in our daily morning departure to school. My mother used to recite that old motivational phrase in a constant attempt to change his behavior: The early bird gets the worm. Unfortunately, my brother didn’t like worms, so that motivation didn’t seem to get the job done. As was the case with my brother, Audra, my guess is this has nothing to do with your DNA. You say that you can’t get up in the mornings, and I’m willing to bet that it’s more likely you won’t get up in the mornings. I believe the cause is habit, and it can definitely be changed!
First, I suggest you see your doctor to eliminate any physical reasons, but as I said earlier, I think this is more of a bad habit than anything else. With that said, I do have “a plan” for you to try that just may do the trick. I suggest you read This Kitchen Is Under New Management, a concept I developed. Even though the article is directed at weight loss, it will help you understand the basic premise of my suggestion. In short, you need a new manager running your morning wake-up program because the old manager just isn’t getting the job done. If you can perform the mental gymnastics necessary to give this imagery idea a real try, I think you will find a responsible woman inside you who understands the importance of getting up early and being on time. You will also create more calm in your morning routine and provide a valuable life lesson about change and responsibility for your son in the process! And if I do say so myself, at 33, it’s about time!
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
Got a question? Ask Dr. Sklare
MY THOUGHTS
Exactly! It's just a bad habit. A very bad habit. Especially if you're a mom and you have kids depending on you.
Showing posts with label parenthood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenthood. Show all posts
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
HOW TO TEACH KIDS TABLE MANNERS
Etiquette and Kids: How To Teach Good Table Manners
By Stacey Bradford | Jan 31, 2011
I’m embarrassed to admit this but my daughter has atrocious table manners. She can’t sit still for more than a few minutes. Not so long ago, she even went through a doggie phase where she pretended that she was a puppy and ate her meals at our feet. Now that my little girl is officially five-years-old, I’ve decided this behavior must stop.
How do I transform my jumping bean into a well-mannered young lady? In the past I probably would have thrown some money at the problem and enrolled her in etiquette classes. Here in New York City that costs around $200 for four hours of training. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past five years it’s that cash rarely solves problems when the real issues stem from a lack of firm parenting.
So I decided to call Cindy Post Senning, an etiquette expert with The Emily Post Institute, for some guidance on table manners. I wanted to know what I can realistically expect from a five-year-old and what tips she could provide me on how to teach young children to behave properly during meals. Here’s her advice:
Table Manners 101
Believe it or not, by the time a child reaches the age of five he should be able to sit at the table for 20 to 30 minutes, participate in dinner conversation, hold his utensils properly and chew with his mouth closed, says Senning.
Wow, I didn’t realize just how refined a five-year-old can be. Now the question is how I go about changing my child’s mealtime habits to be more inline with other young children’s manners. According to Senning, I should simply explain that the time has come to learn proper table etiquette. Then, since kids like rewards, I should consider offering a small bribe. In my daughter’s case, Senning recommends telling my little girl that once she can sit at the table for 25 minutes she can have her best friend over for dinner. To jump start the process, I may even up the ante and offer a real tea party.
During the transformation period, I think it’s important to set some realistic expectations for your child. I told my daughter, for example, that we will start off with her sitting at the table for 10 minutes and slowly work our way up to half an hour. Then once she is no longer walking around the house during dinner, I can start refining some of her other habits.
Senning also believes table manners are best taught when families eat together. But that doesn’t mean that you must have a formal dinner every night. A handful of group meals throughout a week should be enough to cement some good habits.
Finally, parents need to make an effort and engage their kids during dinner. While you don’t have to converse about super heroes and princesses, it would be helpful to ask about school or what happened at the playground. (Asking what made your child laugh at circle time is always a good conversation starter.) Mothers and fathers should also share something about their day, but they need to make sure to explain the details in a way little ones can understand.
Table manners, of course, are more complex than just sitting through dinner and learning to chew with one’s mouth closed. So I have to admit that there may come a time when I do invest in etiquette lessons. But I think that day won’t come until my little girl is in high school. In the meantime, I’ll try my best to lead by example and make sure to keep a copy of Emily Post’s Table Manners for Kids handy.
MY THOUGHTS
may i add that TV should be banned during mealtimes. mealtimes are the best times for nice, easy conversations with the kids. and if you're training them on table manners, i don't think TV will help.
By Stacey Bradford | Jan 31, 2011
I’m embarrassed to admit this but my daughter has atrocious table manners. She can’t sit still for more than a few minutes. Not so long ago, she even went through a doggie phase where she pretended that she was a puppy and ate her meals at our feet. Now that my little girl is officially five-years-old, I’ve decided this behavior must stop.
How do I transform my jumping bean into a well-mannered young lady? In the past I probably would have thrown some money at the problem and enrolled her in etiquette classes. Here in New York City that costs around $200 for four hours of training. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past five years it’s that cash rarely solves problems when the real issues stem from a lack of firm parenting.
So I decided to call Cindy Post Senning, an etiquette expert with The Emily Post Institute, for some guidance on table manners. I wanted to know what I can realistically expect from a five-year-old and what tips she could provide me on how to teach young children to behave properly during meals. Here’s her advice:
Table Manners 101
Believe it or not, by the time a child reaches the age of five he should be able to sit at the table for 20 to 30 minutes, participate in dinner conversation, hold his utensils properly and chew with his mouth closed, says Senning.
Wow, I didn’t realize just how refined a five-year-old can be. Now the question is how I go about changing my child’s mealtime habits to be more inline with other young children’s manners. According to Senning, I should simply explain that the time has come to learn proper table etiquette. Then, since kids like rewards, I should consider offering a small bribe. In my daughter’s case, Senning recommends telling my little girl that once she can sit at the table for 25 minutes she can have her best friend over for dinner. To jump start the process, I may even up the ante and offer a real tea party.
During the transformation period, I think it’s important to set some realistic expectations for your child. I told my daughter, for example, that we will start off with her sitting at the table for 10 minutes and slowly work our way up to half an hour. Then once she is no longer walking around the house during dinner, I can start refining some of her other habits.
Senning also believes table manners are best taught when families eat together. But that doesn’t mean that you must have a formal dinner every night. A handful of group meals throughout a week should be enough to cement some good habits.
Finally, parents need to make an effort and engage their kids during dinner. While you don’t have to converse about super heroes and princesses, it would be helpful to ask about school or what happened at the playground. (Asking what made your child laugh at circle time is always a good conversation starter.) Mothers and fathers should also share something about their day, but they need to make sure to explain the details in a way little ones can understand.
Table manners, of course, are more complex than just sitting through dinner and learning to chew with one’s mouth closed. So I have to admit that there may come a time when I do invest in etiquette lessons. But I think that day won’t come until my little girl is in high school. In the meantime, I’ll try my best to lead by example and make sure to keep a copy of Emily Post’s Table Manners for Kids handy.
MY THOUGHTS
may i add that TV should be banned during mealtimes. mealtimes are the best times for nice, easy conversations with the kids. and if you're training them on table manners, i don't think TV will help.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
AN ALTERNATIVE TO NAGGING
GIVING TIMELY FEEDBACK (An alternative to 'NAGGING")
from the aricle "How to Give Feedback That Works"
By Kimberly Weisul | February 11, 2011
Every manager (and parent) knows that constructive feedback is key to improving performance. But what makes the feedback most effective? It turns out timing is almost everything.
Here are key Principles:
Reserach Findings:
- Giving people feedback after a “short delay”– shortly after they completed a task–actually improved performance more than offering up the same feedback immediately. Wait too long, though, and the feedback again becomes useless.
- Immediate feedback prevents people from learning from their mistakes. Those who got feedback right away were least likely to keep exploring on their own.
- Wait before offering advice. Waiting a short time before offering advice seemed to give the individual a chance to learn on their own, and then to incorporate the advice.
- Wait too long after the task is completed, and the feedback seems to fall on deaf ears. They seemed to find the information more confusing than helpful.
- Feedback given at the ‘wrong’ moment is pretty much pointless. Those who got help immediately and those who got it after a long delay were more likely to say they did not get enough information to complete the maze.
When do you typically give people feedback–or when have you received feedback? What time works best for you?
MY THOUGHTS
originally, i was planning to post this under 'workplace communication'. on hind sight, it seems to be helpful tips for giving feedback at home, too. in fact, parents and older relatives should try to apply this principle when dealing with the younger generation. no wonder all our well-meaning 'talks' keep falling on deaf ears! out timingis probably off most of the time.
from the aricle "How to Give Feedback That Works"
By Kimberly Weisul | February 11, 2011
Every manager (and parent) knows that constructive feedback is key to improving performance. But what makes the feedback most effective? It turns out timing is almost everything.
Here are key Principles:
Reserach Findings:
- Giving people feedback after a “short delay”– shortly after they completed a task–actually improved performance more than offering up the same feedback immediately. Wait too long, though, and the feedback again becomes useless.
- Immediate feedback prevents people from learning from their mistakes. Those who got feedback right away were least likely to keep exploring on their own.
- Wait before offering advice. Waiting a short time before offering advice seemed to give the individual a chance to learn on their own, and then to incorporate the advice.
- Wait too long after the task is completed, and the feedback seems to fall on deaf ears. They seemed to find the information more confusing than helpful.
- Feedback given at the ‘wrong’ moment is pretty much pointless. Those who got help immediately and those who got it after a long delay were more likely to say they did not get enough information to complete the maze.
When do you typically give people feedback–or when have you received feedback? What time works best for you?
MY THOUGHTS
originally, i was planning to post this under 'workplace communication'. on hind sight, it seems to be helpful tips for giving feedback at home, too. in fact, parents and older relatives should try to apply this principle when dealing with the younger generation. no wonder all our well-meaning 'talks' keep falling on deaf ears! out timingis probably off most of the time.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
ARE YOU READY TO BE AN EMPTY-NESTER?
Q&A – How Can I Stop Feeling Lonely?
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D, LifeScript Personal Coach
Published March 27, 2008
Reviewed John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Q: This past week has been really rough. My oldest daughter graduated from college and moved 17 hours away, and my second child is a college freshman at a school two hours away. The nights are so lonely after work, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I spent years going to both of my children’s school activities. I know I just need to keep busy, but a person can only clean and watch TV so much. My husband has adjusted to the children being out of the house, but I just can’t relax or even go to sleep without crying.
-Barb L.
A: Hi Barb,
There are a lot of mothers whose ears just perked up when they read your question. The empty-nest syndrome is an intensely emotional issue that many parents, primarily women, experience when their children leave home and begin making a life of their own. There are some very common symptoms of this syndrome, and you describe them perfectly, Barb. You feel as if your usefulness has ended and experience a deep sense of loneliness, loss and excessive crying.
Many people seek counseling during this time as a way to help them cope and move on, but most seem to adjust over time. The bottom line, however, is that the time has come to find new purpose and new ways to spend your time. Cleaning and watching TV is just not going to be that helpful. Staying in touch with your children by phone and email is a great idea, but you must be careful not to smother them. After all, successful parenting should lead a child to the front door eventually. Consider doing volunteer work, develop a new hobby, or even get involved in an online support group for other parents also dealing with the empty-nest syndrome. And I’m sure there will be many suggestions in the comment section of this page from mothers who share your agony and feel your pain. The bottom line, however, is that your situation is absolutely survivable, Barb. But only you can find what will help you transition into the next phase of your life. Focusing on how much you miss the past will only exacerbate your pain and extend your misery. But a combination of anticipating the future and taking positive action will go a long way toward helping you take a step forward.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
this is a reality.a harsh one but a reality nevertheless. some parents are so scared of becoming empty-nesters they plot ways to keep their adult children at home. very selfish.
i know it's hard. i don't have kids of my own but i can't help being lonely when my nieces start spending less and less time in my bedroom. because they are moving into teenage life, their world is expanding. and fast. i have to remind myself that this is something that can't be stopped. and i thank God for the chance to be with them while they were kids.
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D, LifeScript Personal Coach
Published March 27, 2008
Reviewed John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Q: This past week has been really rough. My oldest daughter graduated from college and moved 17 hours away, and my second child is a college freshman at a school two hours away. The nights are so lonely after work, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I spent years going to both of my children’s school activities. I know I just need to keep busy, but a person can only clean and watch TV so much. My husband has adjusted to the children being out of the house, but I just can’t relax or even go to sleep without crying.
-Barb L.
A: Hi Barb,
There are a lot of mothers whose ears just perked up when they read your question. The empty-nest syndrome is an intensely emotional issue that many parents, primarily women, experience when their children leave home and begin making a life of their own. There are some very common symptoms of this syndrome, and you describe them perfectly, Barb. You feel as if your usefulness has ended and experience a deep sense of loneliness, loss and excessive crying.
Many people seek counseling during this time as a way to help them cope and move on, but most seem to adjust over time. The bottom line, however, is that the time has come to find new purpose and new ways to spend your time. Cleaning and watching TV is just not going to be that helpful. Staying in touch with your children by phone and email is a great idea, but you must be careful not to smother them. After all, successful parenting should lead a child to the front door eventually. Consider doing volunteer work, develop a new hobby, or even get involved in an online support group for other parents also dealing with the empty-nest syndrome. And I’m sure there will be many suggestions in the comment section of this page from mothers who share your agony and feel your pain. The bottom line, however, is that your situation is absolutely survivable, Barb. But only you can find what will help you transition into the next phase of your life. Focusing on how much you miss the past will only exacerbate your pain and extend your misery. But a combination of anticipating the future and taking positive action will go a long way toward helping you take a step forward.
Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com
MY THOUGHTS
this is a reality.a harsh one but a reality nevertheless. some parents are so scared of becoming empty-nesters they plot ways to keep their adult children at home. very selfish.
i know it's hard. i don't have kids of my own but i can't help being lonely when my nieces start spending less and less time in my bedroom. because they are moving into teenage life, their world is expanding. and fast. i have to remind myself that this is something that can't be stopped. and i thank God for the chance to be with them while they were kids.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Working Moms and Guilt
MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski: Why Working Moms Should Stop Feeling Guilty
Susanna Schrobsdorff ON Jan 25, 2010 at 1:02PM
Women now make up 50 percent of the American workforce. Now if only working moms could shed 50 percent of the guilt they carry around. Mastering the life-balance thing may be an impossible quest, but MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski has come out with a refreshingly candid book about her bumpy ride to the top of TV news and why she believes that the time she spends building her career is as good for her two daughters, ages 11 and 13, as the time she spends at home.
Her story has struck a chord. The book, All Things at Once, just became a New York Times bestseller and her tour has been packed with long lines of admiring women (and men). Of course, Brzezinski, 42, is no ordinary working mom. She's up at 3:30 am every day to cohost an influential political show, Morning Joe, and she follows that up with a radio broadcast.
The straight-talking Brzezinski spoke to iVillage about her job, her book and the lessons she learned after she became so exhausted that she fell down the stairs holding her infant daughter, leaving the baby with a broken leg.
You caused some controversy recently when you wrote a blog post saying women shouldn't put off having kids till their career is established.
I've been really misunderstood on this so I'll try and be as clear as I can. If children and family are something you want in your life, I would not put off looking for that to happen. If the opportunity for love strikes in your 20's, and you hold off till your mid-30s because there's some rule that you have to wait till your career is at a certain point before you can have a kid, you are an idiot. I'm not saying go back to the 1950s, I'm saying, look, it's hard to find a good guy so increase your chances by starting at an early age, just like you do for your job.
So how do you do all things at once and still do them well?
For me, my career would be nothing if I didn't have kids that have grown through it with me. You don't need to have your career first then have kids and keep them in separate boxes. Think of them of them as a set of cultivating experiences that can interrelate in a challenging, tough and incredibly fulfilling way. If you want to nurture the career, your kids will survive. If you love the work, if it's true to your identity, you will be a more cultivated, happier person and that's good for the kids. You're growing yourself for them.
You wrote that after you fell with your baby daughter you re-evaluated your life and got more childcare. Why is it so hard for women to ask for help?
I think we as mothers who work feel a tremendous friction in our own minds about transferring the authority over our children to someone else. We feel guilty about it and we're control freaks. We leave the house and think, "Are they doing it right?" But you have to let go. I learned that by making the worst mistake of my life. I wanted to show the world I could be supermom and have this amazing network job. I wanted to be all things to all people. I learned after the accident with Carlie -- which was the worst way to have to learn a lesson because that accident was my fault -- that if I'm going to work, that there are times I have got to let people help.
Is it difficult to switch into mom mode after work?
There are times when I work for three days straight and I barely see my daughters. I just kiss them good night because I'm better off not seeing them because it's hard for me to transition. Then I'll throw myself into them for like 36 hours. I know that's very unpredictable for them, and guess what, that's my household.
You're in amazing shape. How do you manage that on top of work and your family?
I get home and I'm dead tired -- I've been up since 3:30 in the morning, and I want to sleep so badly -- but I've got to jog at least a few miles and I'll have a little less time with the kids but I will have run and I'll feel better with them. Exercise is essential for me. No excuses. Do you need to look like a supermodel? No. But do you want to feel exhausted and overweight for your husband and your kids and your job? Is that the best way to present yourself? No.
Any advice for new moms who are going back to work?
First: Put away the guilt. You're going back to work, face it and get the job done. Stop with the tears. Celebrate it. You're doing this not only for yourself, but for your kids. Second: Don't try to overcompensate when you come home. Work on your time management realistically. And take care of yourself. Do not let yourself fall apart because you will pay for that in the end and so will your kids and your marriage.
Do you have guilt about being a working mom -- and how do you deal with it?
MY THOUGHTS
I'm not a mom but i know how difficult it is to try and balance work and personal concerns. Taking care of things all at once is not a good idea. In my book, the best is still to compartmentalize and concentrate - one thing at a time. I found out that if I work really hard on workdays, I can have quality time for myself and my family on weekends. Of course, it doesn't always happen that way. But work on weekends or personal concerns on workweeks is more of an exception. The thing is, the more effective you are at work, the more you find yourself effective at home.
http://www.ivillage.com/msnbcs-mika-brzezinski-why-working-moms-should-stop-feeling-guilty/1-a-75134?nlcid=in|01-28-2010|
Susanna Schrobsdorff ON Jan 25, 2010 at 1:02PM
Women now make up 50 percent of the American workforce. Now if only working moms could shed 50 percent of the guilt they carry around. Mastering the life-balance thing may be an impossible quest, but MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski has come out with a refreshingly candid book about her bumpy ride to the top of TV news and why she believes that the time she spends building her career is as good for her two daughters, ages 11 and 13, as the time she spends at home.
Her story has struck a chord. The book, All Things at Once, just became a New York Times bestseller and her tour has been packed with long lines of admiring women (and men). Of course, Brzezinski, 42, is no ordinary working mom. She's up at 3:30 am every day to cohost an influential political show, Morning Joe, and she follows that up with a radio broadcast.
The straight-talking Brzezinski spoke to iVillage about her job, her book and the lessons she learned after she became so exhausted that she fell down the stairs holding her infant daughter, leaving the baby with a broken leg.
You caused some controversy recently when you wrote a blog post saying women shouldn't put off having kids till their career is established.
I've been really misunderstood on this so I'll try and be as clear as I can. If children and family are something you want in your life, I would not put off looking for that to happen. If the opportunity for love strikes in your 20's, and you hold off till your mid-30s because there's some rule that you have to wait till your career is at a certain point before you can have a kid, you are an idiot. I'm not saying go back to the 1950s, I'm saying, look, it's hard to find a good guy so increase your chances by starting at an early age, just like you do for your job.
So how do you do all things at once and still do them well?
For me, my career would be nothing if I didn't have kids that have grown through it with me. You don't need to have your career first then have kids and keep them in separate boxes. Think of them of them as a set of cultivating experiences that can interrelate in a challenging, tough and incredibly fulfilling way. If you want to nurture the career, your kids will survive. If you love the work, if it's true to your identity, you will be a more cultivated, happier person and that's good for the kids. You're growing yourself for them.
You wrote that after you fell with your baby daughter you re-evaluated your life and got more childcare. Why is it so hard for women to ask for help?
I think we as mothers who work feel a tremendous friction in our own minds about transferring the authority over our children to someone else. We feel guilty about it and we're control freaks. We leave the house and think, "Are they doing it right?" But you have to let go. I learned that by making the worst mistake of my life. I wanted to show the world I could be supermom and have this amazing network job. I wanted to be all things to all people. I learned after the accident with Carlie -- which was the worst way to have to learn a lesson because that accident was my fault -- that if I'm going to work, that there are times I have got to let people help.
Is it difficult to switch into mom mode after work?
There are times when I work for three days straight and I barely see my daughters. I just kiss them good night because I'm better off not seeing them because it's hard for me to transition. Then I'll throw myself into them for like 36 hours. I know that's very unpredictable for them, and guess what, that's my household.
You're in amazing shape. How do you manage that on top of work and your family?
I get home and I'm dead tired -- I've been up since 3:30 in the morning, and I want to sleep so badly -- but I've got to jog at least a few miles and I'll have a little less time with the kids but I will have run and I'll feel better with them. Exercise is essential for me. No excuses. Do you need to look like a supermodel? No. But do you want to feel exhausted and overweight for your husband and your kids and your job? Is that the best way to present yourself? No.
Any advice for new moms who are going back to work?
First: Put away the guilt. You're going back to work, face it and get the job done. Stop with the tears. Celebrate it. You're doing this not only for yourself, but for your kids. Second: Don't try to overcompensate when you come home. Work on your time management realistically. And take care of yourself. Do not let yourself fall apart because you will pay for that in the end and so will your kids and your marriage.
Do you have guilt about being a working mom -- and how do you deal with it?
MY THOUGHTS
I'm not a mom but i know how difficult it is to try and balance work and personal concerns. Taking care of things all at once is not a good idea. In my book, the best is still to compartmentalize and concentrate - one thing at a time. I found out that if I work really hard on workdays, I can have quality time for myself and my family on weekends. Of course, it doesn't always happen that way. But work on weekends or personal concerns on workweeks is more of an exception. The thing is, the more effective you are at work, the more you find yourself effective at home.
http://www.ivillage.com/msnbcs-mika-brzezinski-why-working-moms-should-stop-feeling-guilty/1-a-75134?nlcid=in|01-28-2010|
Monday, January 24, 2011
LESSONS FOR A SON
Lessons for a son, just in case
By Jonathan Comey
First Person
January 23, 2011 12:00 AM
I had fairly major surgery a few months ago and, in the nights before the procedure, my mind naturally turned to all of the complications that could ensue.
Especially what I privately referred to, in my own dark way, as the "ultimate complication."
With these thoughts came other thoughts, mostly about my son. When I was a boy, I'd sometimes happen across sealed letters from my mother with my name written on the front. I was told that these were in the event of "¦ well, in the event of ultimate complications.
I never had the urge to read these letters, and scoffed at them in my blissful ignorance, but as the date of that surgery neared 30 years later, I understood my mom completely. Most of raising a child is a mix of maintenance and mischief, but the goal of every parent is for their kids to grow up with a set of values that will serve them well, values that will give them a chance at success, happiness and understanding.
And so, for the first time, I asked myself: What did I want to teach my son about the world if, by chance, I was no longer in it?
Be kind to other people.
Be loyal and cautious. Never stop having fun.
Enjoy all different types of weather. Stay up late during a blizzard or a thunderstorm or a hot summer's night, watch the sky and mull over the meaning of it all.
Always remember that as an American you were born luckier, freer, healthier and more privileged than almost all of the people on earth. It might not always seem so, but most don't have what you take for granted.
Eat anything you want as long as it's in moderation. This is better for you physically and mentally. Don't drink too much. Drugs and cigarettes are very hard to quit and you will eventually want to quit them in the worst way. Don't start.
Try not to judge others. Everyone is shaped by their environment and genetics in ways they can't control. Look for the best parts of people.
Be friendly to older people. They love it. It restores their faith in humanity.
Wear your seatbelt, and never drive drunk. Be a designated driver for others.
The true joy of life is bringing joy to others. Sometimes this can feel like a burden, but it's worth it.
Don't let your friendships fall apart. Once you've made a friend, they feel kinship with you for life, whether they try to keep it alive or not. This also sometimes feels like a burden, but is worth it.
Don't dwell on what should be. Deal with what is and how to make the most of it.
Don't be afraid to commit to love. Focus on what you love about your spouse and not what you don't. Accept that monogamy is difficult.
Don't sweat politics. You can't change the system, and you don't really know what's going on anyway. Put your trust in the people who seem the most real, and hope for the best.
Stay away from war at all costs. Do not join the fight unless the cause is so blindingly just that you have no other choice. Support your country at all times. Don't bash the president. He or she is doing the best they can.
Enjoy as many different types of music, movies and games as you can. There's something wonderful in all of it.
You're never quite as good at things as you think you are, but that's OK. Shooting high usually produces a good result, even if it leaves you feeling unfulfilled.
Grandparents are special in ways that your parents aren't. Let them spoil you, but never be ungrateful.
Don't keep secrets. It's hard to tell the truth sometimes, but secrets make you feel worse.
Be really careful on bicycles and in cars. They are super dangerous.
There is some type of higher power, but I don't know what it is. The unknown can be scary. You'll spend a lot of nights thinking about what it all means, and that's not bad. The mornings will follow.
When people you love die, always keep pictures of them close. It's not easy, knowing they're not around, but your memories can be the next best thing. Talk to them. They are still with you.
Finally, and most importantly: Have kids. It's scary, and it always threatens to break your heart and it's frustrating and it's tiring and it'll clean out your bank account and it'll sometimes make you absolutely crazy "¦ but it's the best part of life.
Jonathan Comey is sports editor of The Standard-Times.
MY THOUGHTS
i don't know why i'm sharing this. maybe because i sometimes think of writing to some people, just in case.
By Jonathan Comey
First Person
January 23, 2011 12:00 AM
I had fairly major surgery a few months ago and, in the nights before the procedure, my mind naturally turned to all of the complications that could ensue.
Especially what I privately referred to, in my own dark way, as the "ultimate complication."
With these thoughts came other thoughts, mostly about my son. When I was a boy, I'd sometimes happen across sealed letters from my mother with my name written on the front. I was told that these were in the event of "¦ well, in the event of ultimate complications.
I never had the urge to read these letters, and scoffed at them in my blissful ignorance, but as the date of that surgery neared 30 years later, I understood my mom completely. Most of raising a child is a mix of maintenance and mischief, but the goal of every parent is for their kids to grow up with a set of values that will serve them well, values that will give them a chance at success, happiness and understanding.
And so, for the first time, I asked myself: What did I want to teach my son about the world if, by chance, I was no longer in it?
Be kind to other people.
Be loyal and cautious. Never stop having fun.
Enjoy all different types of weather. Stay up late during a blizzard or a thunderstorm or a hot summer's night, watch the sky and mull over the meaning of it all.
Always remember that as an American you were born luckier, freer, healthier and more privileged than almost all of the people on earth. It might not always seem so, but most don't have what you take for granted.
Eat anything you want as long as it's in moderation. This is better for you physically and mentally. Don't drink too much. Drugs and cigarettes are very hard to quit and you will eventually want to quit them in the worst way. Don't start.
Try not to judge others. Everyone is shaped by their environment and genetics in ways they can't control. Look for the best parts of people.
Be friendly to older people. They love it. It restores their faith in humanity.
Wear your seatbelt, and never drive drunk. Be a designated driver for others.
The true joy of life is bringing joy to others. Sometimes this can feel like a burden, but it's worth it.
Don't let your friendships fall apart. Once you've made a friend, they feel kinship with you for life, whether they try to keep it alive or not. This also sometimes feels like a burden, but is worth it.
Don't dwell on what should be. Deal with what is and how to make the most of it.
Don't be afraid to commit to love. Focus on what you love about your spouse and not what you don't. Accept that monogamy is difficult.
Don't sweat politics. You can't change the system, and you don't really know what's going on anyway. Put your trust in the people who seem the most real, and hope for the best.
Stay away from war at all costs. Do not join the fight unless the cause is so blindingly just that you have no other choice. Support your country at all times. Don't bash the president. He or she is doing the best they can.
Enjoy as many different types of music, movies and games as you can. There's something wonderful in all of it.
You're never quite as good at things as you think you are, but that's OK. Shooting high usually produces a good result, even if it leaves you feeling unfulfilled.
Grandparents are special in ways that your parents aren't. Let them spoil you, but never be ungrateful.
Don't keep secrets. It's hard to tell the truth sometimes, but secrets make you feel worse.
Be really careful on bicycles and in cars. They are super dangerous.
There is some type of higher power, but I don't know what it is. The unknown can be scary. You'll spend a lot of nights thinking about what it all means, and that's not bad. The mornings will follow.
When people you love die, always keep pictures of them close. It's not easy, knowing they're not around, but your memories can be the next best thing. Talk to them. They are still with you.
Finally, and most importantly: Have kids. It's scary, and it always threatens to break your heart and it's frustrating and it's tiring and it'll clean out your bank account and it'll sometimes make you absolutely crazy "¦ but it's the best part of life.
Jonathan Comey is sports editor of The Standard-Times.
MY THOUGHTS
i don't know why i'm sharing this. maybe because i sometimes think of writing to some people, just in case.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Chinese adults can't take parents' money
Now, Chinese adults can't take parents' money
IANS
Posted on Jan 22, 2011 at 05:14pm IST
Shanghai: In a bid to ensure elderly persons' social welfare, parents in an east China province have been empowered by a new law to decline their adult children's monetary demands.
The People's Congress of Jiangsu province passed an ordinance Friday which forbids adult children from demanding money or belongings from their parents in a forcible way, China Daily reported Saturday.
The provision is widely seen as an attempt to discourage the NEET group - a name used to refer collectively to young people who chose to live off their parents rather than seek steady employment, attend school or enroll in special training.
Zhao Jianyang, director of the administrative law department, Law Committee of the Standing Committee of the People's Congress of Jiangsu, said: "The right conferred on elderly parents to refuse requests for financial support will help parents who have children in the NEET group."
The provision, the first of its kind in China, contains an important caveat - children will not be violating the law if they obtain financial assistance from parents who are willing to lend a hand.
It's part of an ordinance designed to protect the rights of the elderly (those over 60 years old) in Jiangsu.
The ordinance, however, encourages adult children to make regular visits to their parents' homes and take care of their elderly parents.
In one of several recent trends in China, more young people have adopted the NEET lifestyle as a means of leading a more comfortable existence.
According to the statistics released by the China Research Center on Aging last year, up to 30 percent of young people fall into the NEET category and 65 percent of families must contend with NEET children.
The new provision has drawn varying reactions.
Gao Jianming, a 55-year-old teacher in Xuzhou, Jiangsu province, said the provision will benefit him and his ilk.
"I've noticed the NEET problem among my friends whose children are too dependent on their parents, which is wrong. Parents should have the right to enjoy their elderly years with their own money," said Gao.
He also said that the society will benefit from the call for adult children to pay regular visits to their parents.
Jiang Xuelai, a 25-year-old private employee in Wuxi, Jiangsu province, said: "The regulation will likely lead to discord in families and disputes on financial issues."
MY THOUGHTS
we find laws like this to be too invasive. and yet, such laws would not have been enforced, much less thought of, if there was no need for it. the problem with us is we want to be free of restrictions. and it's our immature view of freedom that prompts the need for us to be restricted. maybe we should copy china. maybe there should be a law against parasite children who exploits their parents. and maybe there should be a law against parents who continue to make parasites out of their children.
IANS
Posted on Jan 22, 2011 at 05:14pm IST
Shanghai: In a bid to ensure elderly persons' social welfare, parents in an east China province have been empowered by a new law to decline their adult children's monetary demands.
The People's Congress of Jiangsu province passed an ordinance Friday which forbids adult children from demanding money or belongings from their parents in a forcible way, China Daily reported Saturday.
The provision is widely seen as an attempt to discourage the NEET group - a name used to refer collectively to young people who chose to live off their parents rather than seek steady employment, attend school or enroll in special training.
Zhao Jianyang, director of the administrative law department, Law Committee of the Standing Committee of the People's Congress of Jiangsu, said: "The right conferred on elderly parents to refuse requests for financial support will help parents who have children in the NEET group."
The provision, the first of its kind in China, contains an important caveat - children will not be violating the law if they obtain financial assistance from parents who are willing to lend a hand.
It's part of an ordinance designed to protect the rights of the elderly (those over 60 years old) in Jiangsu.
The ordinance, however, encourages adult children to make regular visits to their parents' homes and take care of their elderly parents.
In one of several recent trends in China, more young people have adopted the NEET lifestyle as a means of leading a more comfortable existence.
According to the statistics released by the China Research Center on Aging last year, up to 30 percent of young people fall into the NEET category and 65 percent of families must contend with NEET children.
The new provision has drawn varying reactions.
Gao Jianming, a 55-year-old teacher in Xuzhou, Jiangsu province, said the provision will benefit him and his ilk.
"I've noticed the NEET problem among my friends whose children are too dependent on their parents, which is wrong. Parents should have the right to enjoy their elderly years with their own money," said Gao.
He also said that the society will benefit from the call for adult children to pay regular visits to their parents.
Jiang Xuelai, a 25-year-old private employee in Wuxi, Jiangsu province, said: "The regulation will likely lead to discord in families and disputes on financial issues."
MY THOUGHTS
we find laws like this to be too invasive. and yet, such laws would not have been enforced, much less thought of, if there was no need for it. the problem with us is we want to be free of restrictions. and it's our immature view of freedom that prompts the need for us to be restricted. maybe we should copy china. maybe there should be a law against parasite children who exploits their parents. and maybe there should be a law against parents who continue to make parasites out of their children.
Friday, January 21, 2011
How to End Sibling Feuds
How to End Sibling Feuds
By Judy Ford, eHow Contributor
Are you tired playing referee between sibling squabbles? Do you sometimes find yourself yelling, "cut it out," to stop your kids from yelling at each other? Sibling rivalry is unavoidable in family life, however helping the kids learn to settle their own conflicts will get you out of the middle. When siblings are teasing one other, bickering over the toys, or fighting about who gets the biggest cookie, it's time to take the battle ground to the peace table. With coaching from you even toddlers can begin settling quarrels with friendly negotiations.
Instructions
1
Look for the underlying cause. To minimize your kid's quarreling recognize what is triggering the outbursts. Is your child tired, hungry, feeling left out, needing more of your attention, or bored? If you suspect that this may be the cause, ask, "What can we do to make things better?'
2
Encourage siblings to talk about what's going on. Talking things through eliminates sulking and whining. You might ask: "I wonder what started this fight? or "Are you willing to tell me what happened?" Or simply say: "Let's talk about it at the peace table."
3
Sit at the peace table. A peace table is a designated spot where everyone can talk with out being interrupted. Each child takes a turn explaining what happened. The peace table is a safe place where everyone gets a chance to be heard.
4
Remind the kids about the rules of conduct: no name calling, no hitting, no shoving allowed. At the peace table everyone gets a turn to listen and a turn to talk.
5
Let all the kids suggest a solution. Don't underestimate kids ability to solve the problems. As the parent you are the leader in the negotiation. Ask each child, "What is your solution?" Remember conflicts are not all bad. In fact solving a disagreement often brings kids closer. Tell the kids, "I know you will figure this out." Tell them that you are glad that they are learning to solve conflicts by negotiating.
6
Don't force togetherness. While it is okay to encourage siblings to share their possessions and toys, it is not okay to force. Forcing causes resentments which leads to more bickering later.
7
Give genuine approval when they work things through and cooperate.
Tips & Warnings
The more you can teach children to solve their own conflicts, the quicker their fighting will end.
Be aware that your children are learning by observing and mimicking how you handle your disagreements.
MY THOUGHTS
that looks easy. try being the peacemaker between squabbling adult siblings. well, the peace table is such a good idea. having that early will probably reduce the adult squabbles.
By Judy Ford, eHow Contributor
Are you tired playing referee between sibling squabbles? Do you sometimes find yourself yelling, "cut it out," to stop your kids from yelling at each other? Sibling rivalry is unavoidable in family life, however helping the kids learn to settle their own conflicts will get you out of the middle. When siblings are teasing one other, bickering over the toys, or fighting about who gets the biggest cookie, it's time to take the battle ground to the peace table. With coaching from you even toddlers can begin settling quarrels with friendly negotiations.
Instructions
1
Look for the underlying cause. To minimize your kid's quarreling recognize what is triggering the outbursts. Is your child tired, hungry, feeling left out, needing more of your attention, or bored? If you suspect that this may be the cause, ask, "What can we do to make things better?'
2
Encourage siblings to talk about what's going on. Talking things through eliminates sulking and whining. You might ask: "I wonder what started this fight? or "Are you willing to tell me what happened?" Or simply say: "Let's talk about it at the peace table."
3
Sit at the peace table. A peace table is a designated spot where everyone can talk with out being interrupted. Each child takes a turn explaining what happened. The peace table is a safe place where everyone gets a chance to be heard.
4
Remind the kids about the rules of conduct: no name calling, no hitting, no shoving allowed. At the peace table everyone gets a turn to listen and a turn to talk.
5
Let all the kids suggest a solution. Don't underestimate kids ability to solve the problems. As the parent you are the leader in the negotiation. Ask each child, "What is your solution?" Remember conflicts are not all bad. In fact solving a disagreement often brings kids closer. Tell the kids, "I know you will figure this out." Tell them that you are glad that they are learning to solve conflicts by negotiating.
6
Don't force togetherness. While it is okay to encourage siblings to share their possessions and toys, it is not okay to force. Forcing causes resentments which leads to more bickering later.
7
Give genuine approval when they work things through and cooperate.
Tips & Warnings
The more you can teach children to solve their own conflicts, the quicker their fighting will end.
Be aware that your children are learning by observing and mimicking how you handle your disagreements.
MY THOUGHTS
that looks easy. try being the peacemaker between squabbling adult siblings. well, the peace table is such a good idea. having that early will probably reduce the adult squabbles.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Learn about Holywood Parenting
RIE: Is Hollywood's Latest Parenting Trend Wacky or Smart?
Jenna McCarthy ON Nov 2, 2010 at 12:36PM
There’s a new parenting trend in Hollywood, and for once it has nothing to do with giving your child a wacky name or parading her around town in a stroller that costs as much as a car. RIE, short for Resources for Infant Educarers and pronounced like "wry" (ironic!), is all about getting back to basics and creating an infant-oriented environment devoid of blinking, beeping, buzzing toys and parents who are inclined to swoop in at the first sign of tears. (Famous followers reportedly include Jamie Lee Curtis, Helen Hunt, Tobey Maguire and Felicity Huffman.) The RIE approach, proponents insist, helps raise children who are competent, confident, curious, cooperative, cheerful and aware.
Of course, RIE isn’t new. It was founded in the 1970s by an infant educator and a pediatric neurologist and, admittedly, lots of things about the parenting approach make sense. For instance, followers eschew fancy gadgets, pointing out that busy toys produce passive children who are destined to become tiny TV addicts. Instead, RIE-approved playthings include simple objects babies can use imaginatively in multiple ways, like stacking cups, empty water bottles and wooden spoons. Once the child is engaged, parents are taught to watch and respect the way he or she chooses to interact with a toy and not direct the play. Daily parenting duties -- think diapering, changing, feeding -- are viewed as opportunities to engage and instruct, not tedious roadblocks to playtime.
On the other hand, there are some aspects of RIE that could make it challenging to execute flawlessly. For instance, parents are encouraged not to immediately console a sobbing tot but to view a baby’s cries as intelligent, meaningful communication in need of deciphering. Which is all kinds of enlightened and fabulous in theory -- until you’ve got a career-making conference call or other children sleeping nearby. Similarly, while I agree that the RIE motto “never disturb a contented baby” makes a nice wall plaque, when you’ve got to get another kid to soccer practice, dinner is burning on the stove and the UPS guy is banging on the screen door demanding a signature, sometimes baby’s precious contentment is going to have to be disturbed.
There isn’t much opposition to RIE, save for a few claims that some advocates take the approach to extremes (No singing? No dancing? Didn’t these people see what happened when they tried to ban those in Footloose?), and that even in moderation, notions like “never disturb a contented baby” can be wildly inconvenient. Sort of like parenting in general.
MY THOUGHTS
anything extreme is bad. so, whether your a holywood parent or not, there are some RIE principles that should be taken seriously while some should be discarded.
Jenna McCarthy ON Nov 2, 2010 at 12:36PM
There’s a new parenting trend in Hollywood, and for once it has nothing to do with giving your child a wacky name or parading her around town in a stroller that costs as much as a car. RIE, short for Resources for Infant Educarers and pronounced like "wry" (ironic!), is all about getting back to basics and creating an infant-oriented environment devoid of blinking, beeping, buzzing toys and parents who are inclined to swoop in at the first sign of tears. (Famous followers reportedly include Jamie Lee Curtis, Helen Hunt, Tobey Maguire and Felicity Huffman.) The RIE approach, proponents insist, helps raise children who are competent, confident, curious, cooperative, cheerful and aware.
Of course, RIE isn’t new. It was founded in the 1970s by an infant educator and a pediatric neurologist and, admittedly, lots of things about the parenting approach make sense. For instance, followers eschew fancy gadgets, pointing out that busy toys produce passive children who are destined to become tiny TV addicts. Instead, RIE-approved playthings include simple objects babies can use imaginatively in multiple ways, like stacking cups, empty water bottles and wooden spoons. Once the child is engaged, parents are taught to watch and respect the way he or she chooses to interact with a toy and not direct the play. Daily parenting duties -- think diapering, changing, feeding -- are viewed as opportunities to engage and instruct, not tedious roadblocks to playtime.
On the other hand, there are some aspects of RIE that could make it challenging to execute flawlessly. For instance, parents are encouraged not to immediately console a sobbing tot but to view a baby’s cries as intelligent, meaningful communication in need of deciphering. Which is all kinds of enlightened and fabulous in theory -- until you’ve got a career-making conference call or other children sleeping nearby. Similarly, while I agree that the RIE motto “never disturb a contented baby” makes a nice wall plaque, when you’ve got to get another kid to soccer practice, dinner is burning on the stove and the UPS guy is banging on the screen door demanding a signature, sometimes baby’s precious contentment is going to have to be disturbed.
There isn’t much opposition to RIE, save for a few claims that some advocates take the approach to extremes (No singing? No dancing? Didn’t these people see what happened when they tried to ban those in Footloose?), and that even in moderation, notions like “never disturb a contented baby” can be wildly inconvenient. Sort of like parenting in general.
MY THOUGHTS
anything extreme is bad. so, whether your a holywood parent or not, there are some RIE principles that should be taken seriously while some should be discarded.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
What Cavemen Knew About Parenting
What Cavemen Knew About Parenting (That We Don’t)
Jenna McCarthy ON Sep 24, 2010 at 3:59PM
Most modern, educated moms and dads are hell-bent on raising their children to be smart, sane and successful. We fill our homes with educational toys and props, shuffle our young from bouncy-seat to play mat to swing to keep them engaged, do our best to breastfeed for as many months as we can (unless we have a really good reason not to), and embrace tough-love practices like “crying it out” to foster independence and teach critical skills like self-soothing and falling asleep. Apparently, we’re doing it all wrong.
When researchers at Notre Dame compiled the results of a study looking at why our Neolithic ancestors had more intelligent, happier, better-behaved kids than we do, they came up with a laundry list of the cavemoms’ winning ways. Among them: Breastfeeding for at least two to five years (something most people today would consider “extreme”), immediate response to baby’s cries, constant carrying and natural, drug-free deliveries.
On a positive note, having multiple adult caregivers beyond mom and dad was considered a plus (I’m hoping preschool counts here), along with exposure to multi-age playmates (I gave the first kid a sister; was that enough?).
If you’re pregnant or considering adding to your brood, this is good information to have. But honestly, I’m glad I didn’t have it back when I would have known how much potential damage I was doing to my kids -- or else I would have felt compelled to have them both strapped to me at all times.
MY THOUGHTS
breastfeeding for 5 years? better plan the family well. if you have 2-3 kids one after the other, you won't have time to do anything else but breastfeed!!! but then, what else is there to do for a cavemom?
Jenna McCarthy ON Sep 24, 2010 at 3:59PM
Most modern, educated moms and dads are hell-bent on raising their children to be smart, sane and successful. We fill our homes with educational toys and props, shuffle our young from bouncy-seat to play mat to swing to keep them engaged, do our best to breastfeed for as many months as we can (unless we have a really good reason not to), and embrace tough-love practices like “crying it out” to foster independence and teach critical skills like self-soothing and falling asleep. Apparently, we’re doing it all wrong.
When researchers at Notre Dame compiled the results of a study looking at why our Neolithic ancestors had more intelligent, happier, better-behaved kids than we do, they came up with a laundry list of the cavemoms’ winning ways. Among them: Breastfeeding for at least two to five years (something most people today would consider “extreme”), immediate response to baby’s cries, constant carrying and natural, drug-free deliveries.
On a positive note, having multiple adult caregivers beyond mom and dad was considered a plus (I’m hoping preschool counts here), along with exposure to multi-age playmates (I gave the first kid a sister; was that enough?).
If you’re pregnant or considering adding to your brood, this is good information to have. But honestly, I’m glad I didn’t have it back when I would have known how much potential damage I was doing to my kids -- or else I would have felt compelled to have them both strapped to me at all times.
MY THOUGHTS
breastfeeding for 5 years? better plan the family well. if you have 2-3 kids one after the other, you won't have time to do anything else but breastfeed!!! but then, what else is there to do for a cavemom?
Friday, May 21, 2010
Facebook Etiquette for Parents
Facebook Etiquette for Parents
5 Tips to Keep Your College Kid or Teen From Unfriending You
By Jackie Burrell, About.com Guide
Social networking is a huge part of teens, tweens and 20somethings' worlds - and, increasingly, their parents' lives too. Here are five Facebook faux pas to avoid, so your children don't "unfriend" you or join an "OMG - My mom friended me" support group.
•Friends: The basic structure of a social network revolves around friends. You invite someone to be your friend, thereby granting access to your profile, photo albums and Facebook "wall," a discussion board where any friend can post comments. On Facebook, a friend invitation can be accepted, declined, ignored or accepted in limited fashion - the new friend can see some, but not all of what's there. Avoid hurt feelings by talking to your kids before you try to "friend" them. Do not try to friend their friends. Let them come to you.
•Walls: Exercise discretion. If you wouldn't say it in front of your child's peers, don't post it on his wall. Wishing someone "Happy Birthday" on his wall is fine. Commenting on his appearance, friends or embarrassing antics from the past? No.
•Groups: Facebook members can join fun little groups of like-minded souls - people who love the same bands, went to the same school or adore Harry Potter - and you can too. Just remember that the decision to join a Facebook group can be inspired by irony, philosophy or simply, "the cool girl next door invited me." Don't overreact when you notice your child just joined the "Marijuana is awesome" group - and remember that the comments you post on group discussion boards can be read by anyone.
•Pokes, Karma and Gifts: Part of the fun of Facebook involves poking people - a little note is sent to the recipient that says "You've been poked. Do you want to poke back?" - and exchanging virtual gifts, Karma points and similar lighthearted activities. You can take quizzes ("Which Disney Princess are you?"), outfit an eco-friendly green plot, or play Roshambo. Caveats: Do not send your child or your child's friends anything racy or alcohol-related. The gift may not be real, but everyone can see it and draw embarrassing conclusions. It's also not cool to invite your child or your child's friends to take the "What's your kissing style?" quiz.
•Don't Embarrass Your Kid: You've lectured your child on the dangers of posting pictures of keggers. Take the same advice yourself. Don't post humiliating or ill-advised photos. Don't post that adorable shot of junior, naked, on a bearskin rug at age 2. The moment you "tag" him - identify him - in a Facebook photo, his friends all get a note that says there's a new photo of him online. And when it comes to photos of yourself, remember it's not just your child's college administrators and prospective employers vetting online sites. Your boss may be looking too.
MY THOUGHTS
"Don't embarass your kids" and don;t embarass yourself. This facebook thing is so easy to use. we can get really caught up and careless. some lines need to be drawn - that's for sure - kids or no kids.
5 Tips to Keep Your College Kid or Teen From Unfriending You
By Jackie Burrell, About.com Guide
Social networking is a huge part of teens, tweens and 20somethings' worlds - and, increasingly, their parents' lives too. Here are five Facebook faux pas to avoid, so your children don't "unfriend" you or join an "OMG - My mom friended me" support group.
•Friends: The basic structure of a social network revolves around friends. You invite someone to be your friend, thereby granting access to your profile, photo albums and Facebook "wall," a discussion board where any friend can post comments. On Facebook, a friend invitation can be accepted, declined, ignored or accepted in limited fashion - the new friend can see some, but not all of what's there. Avoid hurt feelings by talking to your kids before you try to "friend" them. Do not try to friend their friends. Let them come to you.
•Walls: Exercise discretion. If you wouldn't say it in front of your child's peers, don't post it on his wall. Wishing someone "Happy Birthday" on his wall is fine. Commenting on his appearance, friends or embarrassing antics from the past? No.
•Groups: Facebook members can join fun little groups of like-minded souls - people who love the same bands, went to the same school or adore Harry Potter - and you can too. Just remember that the decision to join a Facebook group can be inspired by irony, philosophy or simply, "the cool girl next door invited me." Don't overreact when you notice your child just joined the "Marijuana is awesome" group - and remember that the comments you post on group discussion boards can be read by anyone.
•Pokes, Karma and Gifts: Part of the fun of Facebook involves poking people - a little note is sent to the recipient that says "You've been poked. Do you want to poke back?" - and exchanging virtual gifts, Karma points and similar lighthearted activities. You can take quizzes ("Which Disney Princess are you?"), outfit an eco-friendly green plot, or play Roshambo. Caveats: Do not send your child or your child's friends anything racy or alcohol-related. The gift may not be real, but everyone can see it and draw embarrassing conclusions. It's also not cool to invite your child or your child's friends to take the "What's your kissing style?" quiz.
•Don't Embarrass Your Kid: You've lectured your child on the dangers of posting pictures of keggers. Take the same advice yourself. Don't post humiliating or ill-advised photos. Don't post that adorable shot of junior, naked, on a bearskin rug at age 2. The moment you "tag" him - identify him - in a Facebook photo, his friends all get a note that says there's a new photo of him online. And when it comes to photos of yourself, remember it's not just your child's college administrators and prospective employers vetting online sites. Your boss may be looking too.
MY THOUGHTS
"Don't embarass your kids" and don;t embarass yourself. This facebook thing is so easy to use. we can get really caught up and careless. some lines need to be drawn - that's for sure - kids or no kids.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
happiness genie for your kids?
The One Thing Every Parent Wants
By Dr. Robert Holden
Original Content | December 11, 2009
"If I could wish for one thing in my life, it would be that my children grow up happy," says Diane, a mother of two girls, ages 6 and 2. Diane is not alone. A research study conducted in 67 countries interviewed parents from diverse cultures, faiths and income levels about what they most wished for their children. The number one answer, by a long shot, was happiness. Every parent wants his or her child to be happy. If you are a parent, you know how true this is. Unconditional love is only interested in happiness.
In my happiness course, Be Happy, I give my participants a test called The Happiness Genie for Kids. The idea is that a genie appears in your life and offers you a series of wishes you can make on your children's behalf. Each wish is a forced choice. For example, "I wish my child has wealth or happiness." In the last course, 100 percent of parents chose happiness over wealth; 95 percent chose happiness over academic excellence; 95 percent chose happiness over fame; and 90 percent chose happiness over success.
We know what we want for our children, but how do we do it? Well, first it's important to understand that you cannot make your children happy. That said, there is plenty you can do to encourage them to be happy. The distinction between making and encouraging is a vital one. Parents who believe they can make their children happy are prone to making other mistakes like trying too hard to be a good parent, intervening too much, being overcontrolling and believing they always know what's best for their children.
In adult-to-adult relationships, when a person makes it their mission to make their partner or friend happy, they usually end up disappointed, in unhealthy sacrifice and in a role (full-time employment, more like) as a helper. Similarly, if you believe it is your partner/friend's job to make you happy, you will also be disappointed. What's true for adult-to-adult relationships is also true for parent-child relationships. True happiness isn't something you manufacture for others; it exists in their spiritual DNA already. What you can do is offer encouragement to help bring their happiness out.
Practically everything we do as parents is motivated by a desire to see our children be happy. The good news is that there is much you can do to encourage them to discover true happiness for themselves. Every day, in each moment, you can offer essential encouragement through your loving presence, your own example and your steadfast support. As you encourage your children to be happy, you may notice that something else happens, which is that you become happier too.
5 keys to your child's happiness
Your Happiness Is a Gift
Debra was 27 years old and six months pregnant when she attended one of my happiness courses. When it was Debra's turn to tell the class why she was taking the course, she said, "I believe the best contribution I can make to my baby's well-being is for me to learn how to be truly happy." I remember seeing a room full of people nodding and smiling at having heard a profound truth.
You are your child's first teacher. They will learn essential lessons from you on how to be happy and how not to be happy. Your primary teaching device is your example. Children learn best of all by example; far better than any wise words you might say. Remind yourself, therefore, as often as possible, "My happiness is a gift to others." When you are happy in your own skin, it helps you to relax, to connect, to be intimate and to give yourself unconditionally. Your happiness makes you fun to be around. It brings out the best in you.
Enjoying Being a Parent
When people ask me what it's like being a parent, I tell them that every day is an epic, there are no days off, it takes everything you've got and it's the most enjoyable thing I've ever done . Parenting is full of challenges, and one of the biggest challenges is to not lose sight of the joy of being a parent. When you make a conscious intention to enjoy being a parent, it helps you to be present, to engage fully, to be truly grateful, to see the humor of it all and to be resilient in the tough times.
"Enjoy your baby. They grow up so fast." I've heard this advice a thousand times at least, and I thought I understood what everyone was telling me, but I had no idea just how fast the time goes. It's true that some days can feel like a week, but all of the days quickly turn into weeks, months and years. Asking yourself a question like, "How can I enjoy being a parent today?" can help you make parenting more creative, rewarding and fun along the way and not just in retrospect. The intention to enjoy yourself has magical powers. In old English, the word "enjoy" means "to bring joy."
What you can learn from your children
What You Can Learn from Your Children
An author who is writing a book about happiness interviewed me recently. During our conversation, he asked me, "Generally speaking, how would you teach a child to be happy?" I started to say a few words, but quickly realized I didn't have a proper answer. The next day, having thought it through, I e-mailed him this response: "I wouldn't teach them anything; I'd let them teach me." One of the greatest gifts we can give children is our 100 percent trust that they will work out how to be happy. Happiness is natural to children, and the best thing we can do is not get in the way too much.
Children are great teachers. Being a parent is a chance for us to grow up and become the person we were born to be. Being a parent is also a chance for us to remember to be young again, innocent, playful and full of wonder. Most mornings, I am woken up by Bo, my gorgeous 2 3/4-year-old daughter, who is always fizzing with energy. "Daddy, it's the day!" she says. "Let's have some fun." What a wonderful invitation. Often the sun has yet to come up, but how can I resist? Like my daughter, I too learn by example—and my daughter is a great teacher of happiness to me.
Expressing "I Love You"
One of the most common causes of unhappiness in adults is an unhappy childhood. What makes a childhood unhappy can vary enormously. That said, a common story I hear in my workshops and one-to-one sessions is from adults like Judy, who says: "My parents worked hard to pay the rent, to put food on the table and to clothe us properly. They took care of our physical needs, but I didn't feel met emotionally by them." Judy doesn't mean to sound ungrateful; she is simply acknowledging that young children are hungry for love.
Parenting is about love in action. As a parent, you know deep down that everything you do for your children, you do for love. That you love your children is not in question. That said, a good question to ask yourself is, "How can I love my children today?" Put another way, "How can I express my love so that he/she feels loved?" Remembering to say "I love you" is a great start, and after that you can set about discovering a thousand more ways to say "I love you" without using the words. Always communicate your love, both with and without words. Why? Because love is the most fun you can have with anyone. And because in the final analysis, to love is to be happy.
Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC TV documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. For more information, visit RobertHolden.org and BeHappy.net.
MY THOUGHTS
A happiness genie for your kids! well, it seems to be a happiness genie for the parents, too. when your kids are happy, then you're supposed to be the same way. I think the hardest part is letting go, realizing their lives our separate from your own. take note of the word encourage. we cannot make anyone happy. we can only provide the environment where they could be happy. and rememeber that happiness is a state of mind. When they appreciate that you bought from rustan's the same way they appreciate a gift you bought from a tiangge, then i shoiuld say, you're on the right track.
By Dr. Robert Holden
Original Content | December 11, 2009
"If I could wish for one thing in my life, it would be that my children grow up happy," says Diane, a mother of two girls, ages 6 and 2. Diane is not alone. A research study conducted in 67 countries interviewed parents from diverse cultures, faiths and income levels about what they most wished for their children. The number one answer, by a long shot, was happiness. Every parent wants his or her child to be happy. If you are a parent, you know how true this is. Unconditional love is only interested in happiness.
In my happiness course, Be Happy, I give my participants a test called The Happiness Genie for Kids. The idea is that a genie appears in your life and offers you a series of wishes you can make on your children's behalf. Each wish is a forced choice. For example, "I wish my child has wealth or happiness." In the last course, 100 percent of parents chose happiness over wealth; 95 percent chose happiness over academic excellence; 95 percent chose happiness over fame; and 90 percent chose happiness over success.
We know what we want for our children, but how do we do it? Well, first it's important to understand that you cannot make your children happy. That said, there is plenty you can do to encourage them to be happy. The distinction between making and encouraging is a vital one. Parents who believe they can make their children happy are prone to making other mistakes like trying too hard to be a good parent, intervening too much, being overcontrolling and believing they always know what's best for their children.
In adult-to-adult relationships, when a person makes it their mission to make their partner or friend happy, they usually end up disappointed, in unhealthy sacrifice and in a role (full-time employment, more like) as a helper. Similarly, if you believe it is your partner/friend's job to make you happy, you will also be disappointed. What's true for adult-to-adult relationships is also true for parent-child relationships. True happiness isn't something you manufacture for others; it exists in their spiritual DNA already. What you can do is offer encouragement to help bring their happiness out.
Practically everything we do as parents is motivated by a desire to see our children be happy. The good news is that there is much you can do to encourage them to discover true happiness for themselves. Every day, in each moment, you can offer essential encouragement through your loving presence, your own example and your steadfast support. As you encourage your children to be happy, you may notice that something else happens, which is that you become happier too.
5 keys to your child's happiness
Your Happiness Is a Gift
Debra was 27 years old and six months pregnant when she attended one of my happiness courses. When it was Debra's turn to tell the class why she was taking the course, she said, "I believe the best contribution I can make to my baby's well-being is for me to learn how to be truly happy." I remember seeing a room full of people nodding and smiling at having heard a profound truth.
You are your child's first teacher. They will learn essential lessons from you on how to be happy and how not to be happy. Your primary teaching device is your example. Children learn best of all by example; far better than any wise words you might say. Remind yourself, therefore, as often as possible, "My happiness is a gift to others." When you are happy in your own skin, it helps you to relax, to connect, to be intimate and to give yourself unconditionally. Your happiness makes you fun to be around. It brings out the best in you.
Enjoying Being a Parent
When people ask me what it's like being a parent, I tell them that every day is an epic, there are no days off, it takes everything you've got and it's the most enjoyable thing I've ever done . Parenting is full of challenges, and one of the biggest challenges is to not lose sight of the joy of being a parent. When you make a conscious intention to enjoy being a parent, it helps you to be present, to engage fully, to be truly grateful, to see the humor of it all and to be resilient in the tough times.
"Enjoy your baby. They grow up so fast." I've heard this advice a thousand times at least, and I thought I understood what everyone was telling me, but I had no idea just how fast the time goes. It's true that some days can feel like a week, but all of the days quickly turn into weeks, months and years. Asking yourself a question like, "How can I enjoy being a parent today?" can help you make parenting more creative, rewarding and fun along the way and not just in retrospect. The intention to enjoy yourself has magical powers. In old English, the word "enjoy" means "to bring joy."
What you can learn from your children
What You Can Learn from Your Children
An author who is writing a book about happiness interviewed me recently. During our conversation, he asked me, "Generally speaking, how would you teach a child to be happy?" I started to say a few words, but quickly realized I didn't have a proper answer. The next day, having thought it through, I e-mailed him this response: "I wouldn't teach them anything; I'd let them teach me." One of the greatest gifts we can give children is our 100 percent trust that they will work out how to be happy. Happiness is natural to children, and the best thing we can do is not get in the way too much.
Children are great teachers. Being a parent is a chance for us to grow up and become the person we were born to be. Being a parent is also a chance for us to remember to be young again, innocent, playful and full of wonder. Most mornings, I am woken up by Bo, my gorgeous 2 3/4-year-old daughter, who is always fizzing with energy. "Daddy, it's the day!" she says. "Let's have some fun." What a wonderful invitation. Often the sun has yet to come up, but how can I resist? Like my daughter, I too learn by example—and my daughter is a great teacher of happiness to me.
Expressing "I Love You"
One of the most common causes of unhappiness in adults is an unhappy childhood. What makes a childhood unhappy can vary enormously. That said, a common story I hear in my workshops and one-to-one sessions is from adults like Judy, who says: "My parents worked hard to pay the rent, to put food on the table and to clothe us properly. They took care of our physical needs, but I didn't feel met emotionally by them." Judy doesn't mean to sound ungrateful; she is simply acknowledging that young children are hungry for love.
Parenting is about love in action. As a parent, you know deep down that everything you do for your children, you do for love. That you love your children is not in question. That said, a good question to ask yourself is, "How can I love my children today?" Put another way, "How can I express my love so that he/she feels loved?" Remembering to say "I love you" is a great start, and after that you can set about discovering a thousand more ways to say "I love you" without using the words. Always communicate your love, both with and without words. Why? Because love is the most fun you can have with anyone. And because in the final analysis, to love is to be happy.
Robert Holden, PhD, and his innovative work on happiness and well-being have been featured on The Oprah Show and Good Morning America and also in two major BBC TV documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown to more than 30 million TV viewers worldwide. He is the author of the best-selling books Happiness NOW!, Shift Happens! and Success Intelligence. His latest book, Be Happy, is published by Hay House. Robert lives in London with his wife and daughter. For more information, visit RobertHolden.org and BeHappy.net.
MY THOUGHTS
A happiness genie for your kids! well, it seems to be a happiness genie for the parents, too. when your kids are happy, then you're supposed to be the same way. I think the hardest part is letting go, realizing their lives our separate from your own. take note of the word encourage. we cannot make anyone happy. we can only provide the environment where they could be happy. and rememeber that happiness is a state of mind. When they appreciate that you bought from rustan's the same way they appreciate a gift you bought from a tiangge, then i shoiuld say, you're on the right track.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
How to tell if you child is coping with anxiety
Is Your Child Stressed?
How to tell if you child is coping with anxiety - - and what you can do to help
By Katherine Lee, About.com Guide
As with adults, children respond differently to stress depending on their individual personalities and coping skills. Younger grade-schoolers may not be able to fully explain their feelings whereas older kids may be able to say exactly what’s bothering them and why (though that’s no guarantee that they’ll share that information with mom or dad).
Keep an eye out for signs that something is bothering your child. She may complain of stomach aches or headaches. She may insist that nothing’s bothering her but display behavioral changes such as moodiness, a short temper or clinginess. She may develop a nervous habit, such as nail biting. If the problem is with something at school, she may tell you that she doesn’t want to go.
Some Common Causes of Childhood Stress:
Big changes in the family. This can include divorce, moving, or even the birth of a new sibling. These seismic shifts can rock your grade-schooler’s world and turn it upside down. Major life changes can shake your child’s sense of security, and make her feel confused and anxious. A new sibling can make her feel threatened and jealous.
Overly-packed schedule. If your child is constantly running from one activity to another, she may feel stressed, especially if she’s the kind of kid who needs some quiet downtime to herself every once in a while.
Self-inflicted pressure. Many grade-schoolers can experience anxiety about wanting to do well in school. They may want to fit in with other kids and be liked. Self-generated pressure is particularly common in children who are afraid of making mistakes or not being good at something.
Stress caused by something at school. Bullies or cliques can become an issue once kids enter grade-school. Even if she isn’t being bullied, the pressure to fit in and be popular can feel overwhelming for a young child.
How Can You Help?
Don’t dismiss her feelings. Telling her not to worry about her fears may only make her feel like she’s doing something wrong by feeling anxious. Let her know it’s okay to feel bad about something, and encourage her to share her emotions and thoughts.
Listen. You know enormously comforting it can be just to have someone listen when something’s bothering you. Do the same thing for your child. If she doesn’t feel like talking, let her know you are there for her. Just be by her side and remind her that you love her and support her.
Offer comfort and distraction. Try to do something she enjoys, like playing a favorite game or cuddling in your lap and having you read to her, just as you did when she was younger. When the chips are down, even a 10-year-old will appreciate a good dose of parent TLC.
Get her outside. Exercise can boost mood, so get her moving. Even if it’s just for a walk around the block, fresh air and physical activity may be just what she needs to lift her spirits and give her a new perspective on things.
Stick to routines. Balance out any changes by trying to maintain as much of her regular routine as possible. Try to stick to her regular bedtime and mealtimes, if possible.
Keep her healthy. Make sure she’s eating right and getting enough sleep. Not getting enough rest or eating nutritious meals at regular intervals can contribute to your child’s stress. If she feels good, she’ll be better equipped to work through whatever is bothering her.
MY THOUGHTS
How would we know if we don't try to find out? If we think stress is only for adults, this artilce will surely be an eye opener.I think mostly it's over packed schedules. We think we're doing these kids a great favor by not having any respite from activities. Time to take stock. To me the greatest pressure was the very very high expectations of parents. They are kids. And they are not supposed to be filling up for their parents' broken dreams. Ligthen up!
How to tell if you child is coping with anxiety - - and what you can do to help
By Katherine Lee, About.com Guide
As with adults, children respond differently to stress depending on their individual personalities and coping skills. Younger grade-schoolers may not be able to fully explain their feelings whereas older kids may be able to say exactly what’s bothering them and why (though that’s no guarantee that they’ll share that information with mom or dad).
Keep an eye out for signs that something is bothering your child. She may complain of stomach aches or headaches. She may insist that nothing’s bothering her but display behavioral changes such as moodiness, a short temper or clinginess. She may develop a nervous habit, such as nail biting. If the problem is with something at school, she may tell you that she doesn’t want to go.
Some Common Causes of Childhood Stress:
Big changes in the family. This can include divorce, moving, or even the birth of a new sibling. These seismic shifts can rock your grade-schooler’s world and turn it upside down. Major life changes can shake your child’s sense of security, and make her feel confused and anxious. A new sibling can make her feel threatened and jealous.
Overly-packed schedule. If your child is constantly running from one activity to another, she may feel stressed, especially if she’s the kind of kid who needs some quiet downtime to herself every once in a while.
Self-inflicted pressure. Many grade-schoolers can experience anxiety about wanting to do well in school. They may want to fit in with other kids and be liked. Self-generated pressure is particularly common in children who are afraid of making mistakes or not being good at something.
Stress caused by something at school. Bullies or cliques can become an issue once kids enter grade-school. Even if she isn’t being bullied, the pressure to fit in and be popular can feel overwhelming for a young child.
How Can You Help?
Don’t dismiss her feelings. Telling her not to worry about her fears may only make her feel like she’s doing something wrong by feeling anxious. Let her know it’s okay to feel bad about something, and encourage her to share her emotions and thoughts.
Listen. You know enormously comforting it can be just to have someone listen when something’s bothering you. Do the same thing for your child. If she doesn’t feel like talking, let her know you are there for her. Just be by her side and remind her that you love her and support her.
Offer comfort and distraction. Try to do something she enjoys, like playing a favorite game or cuddling in your lap and having you read to her, just as you did when she was younger. When the chips are down, even a 10-year-old will appreciate a good dose of parent TLC.
Get her outside. Exercise can boost mood, so get her moving. Even if it’s just for a walk around the block, fresh air and physical activity may be just what she needs to lift her spirits and give her a new perspective on things.
Stick to routines. Balance out any changes by trying to maintain as much of her regular routine as possible. Try to stick to her regular bedtime and mealtimes, if possible.
Keep her healthy. Make sure she’s eating right and getting enough sleep. Not getting enough rest or eating nutritious meals at regular intervals can contribute to your child’s stress. If she feels good, she’ll be better equipped to work through whatever is bothering her.
MY THOUGHTS
How would we know if we don't try to find out? If we think stress is only for adults, this artilce will surely be an eye opener.I think mostly it's over packed schedules. We think we're doing these kids a great favor by not having any respite from activities. Time to take stock. To me the greatest pressure was the very very high expectations of parents. They are kids. And they are not supposed to be filling up for their parents' broken dreams. Ligthen up!
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