Saturday, September 8, 2012

For New Grandparents

What New Grandparents Need to Know

Ten Suggestions for Grandparents-to-be

By , About.com Guide

Your career as a grandparent begins even before your grandchild is born. From the moment when you get the good news, your actions and reactions matter. These ten suggestions for new grandparents will earn you the gratitude of the expectant parents and pave the way for a great relationship with your grandchild.

Smile when you get the news. When the expectant parents share the good news with you, act pleased, even if you are concerned about issues such as finances. Be sure to inquire before telling anyone else, and let the parents be the ones to tell close friends and relatives. If the couple would like to wait a bit before announcing the news to others, respect their wishes and don’t tell their secret.

Let them do it their way. The expectant parents may choose a home birth when you would have opted for a hospital, or decide not to invite anyone into the delivery room when you were hoping to be present. No matter how you feel about their choices, don’t question them. Your future relationship with your child and your grandchild may depend upon your being supportive of their decisions.

Emphasize the positive. Tell funny and sweet stories about your experiences with your own babies. Stories about his or her own babyhood will probably especially interest the expectant parent. Never tell horror stories about your birthing experiences.

Be understanding of the mother-to-be. Expectant mothers are often very centered on what is happening with their bodies and their lives. If your daughter or daughter-in-law seems uninterested in your activities and thoughts, accept that this is a natural stage. She will regain her interest in the wider world some time after she gives birth. After the birth, be alert for signs of post-partum depression or any persistent sadness.

Go easy on the shopping. Pick up a few minor things and gauge the reaction. Some expectant parents welcome all contributions; others would prefer to make most of the choices about clothing and equipment themselves. For the latter type, a baby registry at the local baby store or a wish list posted online is a good option. If there is going to be a baby shower, work with the parents to make it fun and successful.

Hold off on major decisions. Don’t make dramatic changes in your own life in anticipation of being a grandparent. Don’t quit your job or plan to move until you see how much you are going to be needed and wanted in your grandchild’s life. Don't agree to provide full-time child care without considering the decision carefully.

Do help out, but don’t overdo it. Especially at the end of the pregnancy and right after the birth, the new parents will need some assistance, but don’t do too much. The mother or father who comes for a visit and insists on working the whole time is sending a message to the expectant parents that they can’t adequately take care of their own needs.

Put doubts about the spouse on hold. If you have misgivings about your son or daughter’s mate, try to overcome them. That person is going to be your grandchild’s parent. Give the spouse a chance to prove his or her worthiness in this new role.

Be prepared to share. Remember that in most families there is another set of grandparents (and sometimes two or three sets!). If you’ve not been sociable with the other family, you might want to plan a social occasion to get to know them better before the new baby arrives. Use diplomacy in handling possible conflicts over grandparent names. Communicate with the other grandparents to coordinate visits. A little planning and discussion before the birth will keep the new parents from being overrun with grandparents immediately after the birth.

Make peace with your ex. If you are divorced from your child’s father or mother, you may need to prepare to share grandparenting honors with your ex. This potentially ticklish situation can go smoothly if you plan ahead and prepare yourself mentally. You will probably have to be in each other’s presence upon occasions such as the grandchild’s birthday, so why not start by being cordial before the birth?

My Thoughts

Did you notice the first two words in the article? "Your career".  Grandparenting is serious business and the tips in these articles appear to be useful.  Two things stood out (for me):  be supportive but back-off.  Know when you're needed and when you're not.  Know when to be there and when to make yourself scarce.

Honestly, I still can't relate.  But I do have very fond memories of my own grandparents.  So, I guess, when the time comes I'd find myself enjoying the new role - or the new career.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

How to Discipline a Teenager

Discipline: Logical and Natural Consequences

Consequences in Discipline with Teens

By , About.com Guide


Teens learn about consequences in childhood, from the day they were born. Consequences are outcomes - negative or positive - of a person's action. By their nature, they gauge our behavior because we as humans strive for positive outcomes or consequences or we try our best to avoid negative outcomes and behaviors. When dealing with discipline and teens, there are two types of consequences that you'll need to be concerned with: natural and logical. Both of these types can be positive or negative. To help you get a handle of what each type means, I'll define them and give both a positive and negative example.

Natural consequences occur naturally, hence the name. They are not controlled or manipulated by anyone, they simply just happen but are not always a surprise. When you plant a flower in your garden and take care of it, it grows. That is a positive example of natural consequences. When you put your finger in an electric socket, you get a shock. That is an example of negative natural consequences. Note that natural consequences happen whether you know what the outcome will be or not and you cannot control what the outcome will be.

Logical consequences are situations engineered by the person in authority and they are logically connected to the wrong. It is logical because it "fits" the offense. For example, if your teen breaks curfew, they aren't allowed out the next night or you can tighten the curfew by making it one hour earlier. If they don't eat dinner, they don't get dessert. These are examples of negative logical consequences. Setting up a reward system for good grades and giving the reward when the grade is obtained is an example of a positive logical consequence.

Deciding Between Natural or Logical Consequences

When parents want their children to learn from their mistakes, they have the choice of allowing the child to deal with the natural consequences or set up logical consequences. But how do you choose between the two types of consequences? When is one more effective than the other?
When natural consequences are immediate they are very effective. If your teen touches a hot pot, they will get burned and is not likely to do that again. Many times, however, natural consequences are not immediate or are too dangerous to allow. Running into the street without looking does not always have immediate consequences. Either does not wearing a seat belt when driving. Both actions, though, could have dire natural consequences in the future that no one wants. Therefore, the natural consequences aren't what a parent should use to teach their teen the responsibility of their own safety and it is up to the parents to sort out a logical consequence that will promote the desired behavior - in this instance not running into the street without looking or wearing a seat belt.

Another instance of when logical consequences will be more effective than natural consequences is while your teen is getting a high school education. The benefits of good grades in school are so far off into the future that teens do not fully comprehend them, if they pay attention to them at all. While your teen can repeat what they have been told: 'good grades will get you into a good college and you'll make more money', until they see the type of job or paycheck a college education can get, they will not understand the difference. Logical consequences, including rewards for good grades and privileges taken for poor grades work best as your teen can fully understand these.

There are times when the natural consequence is the better choice for the parent to make. One excellent example is when your teen is dating or making friends. Finding out what type of person your teen wants to be with and how your teen wants to be treated is going to be their choice. Dating or making friends with someone who isn't their type is going to show that to them. Barring any mistreatment from a friend or a date, parents will need to hold their tongue and refrain from giving their opinions in order to let the natural consequences - positive or negative - happen.
Discipline choices are never easy. Hopefully knowing the difference between natural and logical consequences will help you make the right choices for you and your teen. For more, read about clear communication in discipline here.

My Thoughts

I look back at my teen years and I know how hard hard it is for parents. To strike a balance between freedom and discipline is never easy. 

I look at the teenagers in the family and I can see that there's really not much difference between what they are going through now and what we went through years ago.  It's the same banana.  Only, this time, parent have more resources to explore and utilize.  There's the web full of articles on parenting.  There are books.  There are seminars.

I feel sad when I still see parents today who deal with their teenagers in much the same way our parents dealt with us.  It doesn't have to be hit and miss now.  Parenting can be learned.  The consequences of not learning can be awfully damaging.  It's going to be harder to make repairs.

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Handwriting On The Wall

The Handwriting On The Wall

Sometimes in the chaos, challenges and inconveniences in our lives, it is possible to miss the smallest message with the biggest impact! The following poem can remind us to look for the messages, not the messes, on the wall.

The Handwriting On The Wall

A weary mother returned from the store, lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.

"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."

She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, "Where is your little brother right now?" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride she marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.

She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear -- he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved about the expensive wallpaper.

Lamenting all the work it would take to repair. She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!

She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.

Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, with an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, "Take time to read the handwriting on the wall."

Author unknown

Affirmation for the Week:

"When I am calm and attentive, I am able to receive the powerful messages in my life!"

Have a listening, attentive week!

Mary Rau-Foster

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary's book "Motivating Moments" makes a great gift for you, your family and your friends. This 211 page book, with illustrations, is a guaranteed morale booster, as well as thought provoking and inspirational. To learn more and to order online, visit www.motivatingmomentsbook.com or www.workplaceissues.com/motivatingmomentsbook.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you like the Monday Motivating Moment (MMM), please feel free to forward this email to one or two of your friends and business associates. Thanks so much! If someone forwarded this email to you, you can sign-up for your own free weekly copy at www.workplaceissues.com/mmmotivator.htm

Also, many people post MMM on their bulletin board to share with others. Our website includes an Adobe Acrobat file with a clean, printable version of the Monday Motivating Moment suitable for posting. Go to www.workplaceissues.com/mmmarchives.htm to download your copy.

To view previous issues of the Monday Motivating Moment, see www.workplaceissues.com/mmmarchives.htm

---------------------------------
Copyright 2011 by Mary Rau-Foster. All rights reserved. However, if you find this information helpful, we grant you permission, and strongly encourage you, to print this page and put it on your bulletin board. Thank you.
---------------------------------

If someone forwarded this issue of Monday Motivating Moment to you, why don't you get your own copy by signing up at www.workplaceissues.com/mmmotivator.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary Rau-Foster www.workplaceissues.com
Fostering great communication and cooperation in the workplace.
Foster Seminars and Communications LLC, Brentwood TN 37027 USA

MY THOUGHTS

Last Sunday's message at Christ's Commission Fellowship was about building relationships within families. It talked about 3 Cs - connect, communicate, compliment. Connecting is spending time with your kids-doing things that they want to do, eating (with them) food that they want to eat. Communicating is all about global listening-hearing even the things that are not said. Complimenting is, quite obviously, building-up rather than finding fault. Sounds easy. But it isn't. Especially when you can't make yourself calm and attentive.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

HEY MOM! TIME TO GET UP

Q&A - How Can I Become a Punctual Person?
Daily Inspiration
By John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 11, 2008

Q: I am 33 years old and have a 3-year-old son. I cannot get up in the mornings, I’m always late and I procrastinate all the time. I need to find motivation. Do you know of a good plan that might help? Do you think this could be hereditary? I need to break the cycle!

-Audra B.

A: Hi Audra,

I remember this issue very well with my younger brother when we were growing up. He didn’t like getting up early either, and as a result, it always created stress and chaos in our daily morning departure to school. My mother used to recite that old motivational phrase in a constant attempt to change his behavior: The early bird gets the worm. Unfortunately, my brother didn’t like worms, so that motivation didn’t seem to get the job done. As was the case with my brother, Audra, my guess is this has nothing to do with your DNA. You say that you can’t get up in the mornings, and I’m willing to bet that it’s more likely you won’t get up in the mornings. I believe the cause is habit, and it can definitely be changed!

First, I suggest you see your doctor to eliminate any physical reasons, but as I said earlier, I think this is more of a bad habit than anything else. With that said, I do have “a plan” for you to try that just may do the trick. I suggest you read This Kitchen Is Under New Management, a concept I developed. Even though the article is directed at weight loss, it will help you understand the basic premise of my suggestion. In short, you need a new manager running your morning wake-up program because the old manager just isn’t getting the job done. If you can perform the mental gymnastics necessary to give this imagery idea a real try, I think you will find a responsible woman inside you who understands the importance of getting up early and being on time. You will also create more calm in your morning routine and provide a valuable life lesson about change and responsibility for your son in the process! And if I do say so myself, at 33, it’s about time!

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

Got a question? Ask Dr. Sklare

MY THOUGHTS

Exactly! It's just a bad habit. A very bad habit. Especially if you're a mom and you have kids depending on you.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

THIS FAMILY IS UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

This Kitchen Is Under New Management
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Published December 13, 2005

For those of you who are working to create a healthier life and fitter body, the challenges are many. But the challenge becomes even more difficult if you happen to live in a house where you are also the one who is responsible for preparing the meals. Particularly if you happen to be a parent and your family doesn’t share your desire for low-fat cooking and healthier living. So, if you are looking for a healthier lifestyle for you and you want to bring your family along for the ride, I have a suggestion that will help you put them on notice!

Sit them all down and tell them that you are going to be changing a few things around here. Let them know that you are going to be cooking healthy foods for them because you love them and care about the entire family’s health. And, since you are in charge of preparing meals, you are going to start taking the responsibility more seriously. Put a sign in your kitchen that reads, “This Kitchen Is Under New Management,” and start taking charge in your house when it comes to healthy living. Show them the way today and they will all thank you later!

Wishing You Great Health!
Dr. John H. Sklare

MY THOUGHTS

It's your kitchen. Your family. You have every right (and responsibility) to manage it. And manage it well. Maybe you should change the sign to "This Family is Under New Management".

Monday, February 28, 2011

HOW TO TEACH KIDS TABLE MANNERS

Etiquette and Kids: How To Teach Good Table Manners

By Stacey Bradford | Jan 31, 2011


I’m embarrassed to admit this but my daughter has atrocious table manners. She can’t sit still for more than a few minutes. Not so long ago, she even went through a doggie phase where she pretended that she was a puppy and ate her meals at our feet. Now that my little girl is officially five-years-old, I’ve decided this behavior must stop.

How do I transform my jumping bean into a well-mannered young lady? In the past I probably would have thrown some money at the problem and enrolled her in etiquette classes. Here in New York City that costs around $200 for four hours of training. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past five years it’s that cash rarely solves problems when the real issues stem from a lack of firm parenting.

So I decided to call Cindy Post Senning, an etiquette expert with The Emily Post Institute, for some guidance on table manners. I wanted to know what I can realistically expect from a five-year-old and what tips she could provide me on how to teach young children to behave properly during meals. Here’s her advice:

Table Manners 101

Believe it or not, by the time a child reaches the age of five he should be able to sit at the table for 20 to 30 minutes, participate in dinner conversation, hold his utensils properly and chew with his mouth closed, says Senning.

Wow, I didn’t realize just how refined a five-year-old can be. Now the question is how I go about changing my child’s mealtime habits to be more inline with other young children’s manners. According to Senning, I should simply explain that the time has come to learn proper table etiquette. Then, since kids like rewards, I should consider offering a small bribe. In my daughter’s case, Senning recommends telling my little girl that once she can sit at the table for 25 minutes she can have her best friend over for dinner. To jump start the process, I may even up the ante and offer a real tea party.

During the transformation period, I think it’s important to set some realistic expectations for your child. I told my daughter, for example, that we will start off with her sitting at the table for 10 minutes and slowly work our way up to half an hour. Then once she is no longer walking around the house during dinner, I can start refining some of her other habits.

Senning also believes table manners are best taught when families eat together. But that doesn’t mean that you must have a formal dinner every night. A handful of group meals throughout a week should be enough to cement some good habits.

Finally, parents need to make an effort and engage their kids during dinner. While you don’t have to converse about super heroes and princesses, it would be helpful to ask about school or what happened at the playground. (Asking what made your child laugh at circle time is always a good conversation starter.) Mothers and fathers should also share something about their day, but they need to make sure to explain the details in a way little ones can understand.

Table manners, of course, are more complex than just sitting through dinner and learning to chew with one’s mouth closed. So I have to admit that there may come a time when I do invest in etiquette lessons. But I think that day won’t come until my little girl is in high school. In the meantime, I’ll try my best to lead by example and make sure to keep a copy of Emily Post’s Table Manners for Kids handy.

MY THOUGHTS

may i add that TV should be banned during mealtimes. mealtimes are the best times for nice, easy conversations with the kids. and if you're training them on table manners, i don't think TV will help.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

AN ALTERNATIVE TO NAGGING

GIVING TIMELY FEEDBACK (An alternative to 'NAGGING")
from the aricle "How to Give Feedback That Works"
By Kimberly Weisul | February 11, 2011

Every manager (and parent) knows that constructive feedback is key to improving performance. But what makes the feedback most effective? It turns out timing is almost everything.

Here are key Principles:

Reserach Findings:

- Giving people feedback after a “short delay”– shortly after they completed a task–actually improved performance more than offering up the same feedback immediately. Wait too long, though, and the feedback again becomes useless.

- Immediate feedback prevents people from learning from their mistakes. Those who got feedback right away were least likely to keep exploring on their own.

- Wait before offering advice. Waiting a short time before offering advice seemed to give the individual a chance to learn on their own, and then to incorporate the advice.

- Wait too long after the task is completed, and the feedback seems to fall on deaf ears. They seemed to find the information more confusing than helpful.

- Feedback given at the ‘wrong’ moment is pretty much pointless. Those who got help immediately and those who got it after a long delay were more likely to say they did not get enough information to complete the maze.

When do you typically give people feedback–or when have you received feedback? What time works best for you?

MY THOUGHTS

originally, i was planning to post this under 'workplace communication'. on hind sight, it seems to be helpful tips for giving feedback at home, too. in fact, parents and older relatives should try to apply this principle when dealing with the younger generation. no wonder all our well-meaning 'talks' keep falling on deaf ears! out timingis probably off most of the time.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

FRUGAL VACATIONS

Frugal Vacations
Tips To Have Vacation Fun On A Budget
www.frugal-living-tips.com

Frugal vacations can be fun, it just takes a little more planning ahead that’s all.

I have had many vacations over the years on a budget and I definitely would not say that they were not just as fun as anyone else’s. In fact more so as I didn’t come home worrying about how I was going to pay for it all.

Here are my tips on how to have a fun packed, interesting vacation for those on a tight budget.

1. Visit friends and family

I know what you're thinking, “How is that a holiday?” Some might even say that a week at the in laws would be less than enticing. However think about it, you will be able to stay for free and will be able to go out exploring the local area on your own every day.

Don’t forget that if you do this that you should chip in for any food supplied by your family and always return the favour, so let them know they are welcome to come and stay with you.

Perhaps it would be a good opportunity to go and see those long lost relatives who perhaps emigrated years ago.

2. House swaps

This is quite a new concept for many but is a great choice for the more adventurous of you out there. Basically you arrange to swap houses with someone else who is looking to come and stay in your area. There are agencies set up to help you arrange this and there are safe guards in place so that you won’t feel worried about letting strangers stay in your home.

Home Exchange is one just organisation that can help you have a great vacation somewhere totally unique and give you an experience you won’t forget. Don’t believe me! Here is a testimonial from someone who has used this service.
http://www.homeexchange.com/

"My husband and I recently returned from a 3 week exchange to Berlin, Germany. We exchanged our home in San Antonio, TX for a lovely 2000 SF apartment centrally located in Berlin. The exchange went very smoothly and both families enjoyed the exchange very much. We kept in touch with the family in our home via E-Mail during the exchange. This is our 3rd exchange and we are very pleased with Home Exchange. Looking forward to more great exchanges!"
Carol and Carl Lahser: San Antonio, Texas, USA

3. Camping

One of the best frugal vacations I have personally been on was a camping trip last summer with my family. We had such a laugh and it was just like going back to being a kid again.

How you camp is entirely up to you. Some camp sites provide the bare minimum and are suited to those who really enjoy living wild. Whilst other campsites provide all sorts of comforts, such as a shop, bar, laundry services, luxury shower blocks etc.

You don’t even need to camp in a tent any more, many camp site offer cabins of yurts to rent.

4. Frugal vacations Out Of Season

No matter what you choose to do try to book your vacation out of season. You will find that the cost of nearly everything will be cheaper, from flights to accommodation. Even restaurant eating is cheaper as they are more likely to have out of season offer to entice customers.

5. Group vacations

Why not club together with some of your friends and book a vacation you would not be able to afford on your own. Many house vacation rentals are very expensive but rightly so in some cases where you could stay in super luxury accommodation with swimming pools, steam rooms, games room etc etc.

The cost of food can also be split amongst you all, as well as taking it in turns to cook. This is my idea of luxury frugal vacations and I only wish they were around when I was in my
twenties.

6. Meals

Buy or make your own breakfast and Dinner if staying self catering. Meals out can cost a fortune and can be your biggest expense. Instead choose to only eat out once a day. Lunch menus are always cheaper than evening meals even though the food may be very similar, so make your lunchtime meal the main meal of the day and treat yourself to some of the local food.

MY THOUGHTS

i don't know. i like living in style when on vacation. that's why it's a vacation, isn't it? i wanna sleep in a room much better than mine, sip champagne while watching tv, wearing that fluffy white robe, waking up really late, having breakfast in bed, falling asleep on the tub. lucky for me i am able to do all these sometimes as part of my job. except when it's work coz you hardly ever stay in the hotel room. and you fall asleep in the tub because of fatigue.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

ARE YOU READY TO BE AN EMPTY-NESTER?

Q&A – How Can I Stop Feeling Lonely?
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D, LifeScript Personal Coach
Published March 27, 2008
Reviewed John H. Sklare, Ed.D

Q: This past week has been really rough. My oldest daughter graduated from college and moved 17 hours away, and my second child is a college freshman at a school two hours away. The nights are so lonely after work, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I spent years going to both of my children’s school activities. I know I just need to keep busy, but a person can only clean and watch TV so much. My husband has adjusted to the children being out of the house, but I just can’t relax or even go to sleep without crying.

-Barb L.

A: Hi Barb,

There are a lot of mothers whose ears just perked up when they read your question. The empty-nest syndrome is an intensely emotional issue that many parents, primarily women, experience when their children leave home and begin making a life of their own. There are some very common symptoms of this syndrome, and you describe them perfectly, Barb. You feel as if your usefulness has ended and experience a deep sense of loneliness, loss and excessive crying.

Many people seek counseling during this time as a way to help them cope and move on, but most seem to adjust over time. The bottom line, however, is that the time has come to find new purpose and new ways to spend your time. Cleaning and watching TV is just not going to be that helpful. Staying in touch with your children by phone and email is a great idea, but you must be careful not to smother them. After all, successful parenting should lead a child to the front door eventually. Consider doing volunteer work, develop a new hobby, or even get involved in an online support group for other parents also dealing with the empty-nest syndrome. And I’m sure there will be many suggestions in the comment section of this page from mothers who share your agony and feel your pain. The bottom line, however, is that your situation is absolutely survivable, Barb. But only you can find what will help you transition into the next phase of your life. Focusing on how much you miss the past will only exacerbate your pain and extend your misery. But a combination of anticipating the future and taking positive action will go a long way toward helping you take a step forward.

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com

MY THOUGHTS

this is a reality.a harsh one but a reality nevertheless. some parents are so scared of becoming empty-nesters they plot ways to keep their adult children at home. very selfish.

i know it's hard. i don't have kids of my own but i can't help being lonely when my nieces start spending less and less time in my bedroom. because they are moving into teenage life, their world is expanding. and fast. i have to remind myself that this is something that can't be stopped. and i thank God for the chance to be with them while they were kids.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Working Moms and Guilt

MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski: Why Working Moms Should Stop Feeling Guilty
Susanna Schrobsdorff ON Jan 25, 2010 at 1:02PM

Women now make up 50 percent of the American workforce. Now if only working moms could shed 50 percent of the guilt they carry around. Mastering the life-balance thing may be an impossible quest, but MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski has come out with a refreshingly candid book about her bumpy ride to the top of TV news and why she believes that the time she spends building her career is as good for her two daughters, ages 11 and 13, as the time she spends at home.

Her story has struck a chord. The book, All Things at Once, just became a New York Times bestseller and her tour has been packed with long lines of admiring women (and men). Of course, Brzezinski, 42, is no ordinary working mom. She's up at 3:30 am every day to cohost an influential political show, Morning Joe, and she follows that up with a radio broadcast.

The straight-talking Brzezinski spoke to iVillage about her job, her book and the lessons she learned after she became so exhausted that she fell down the stairs holding her infant daughter, leaving the baby with a broken leg.

You caused some controversy recently when you wrote a blog post saying women shouldn't put off having kids till their career is established.

I've been really misunderstood on this so I'll try and be as clear as I can. If children and family are something you want in your life, I would not put off looking for that to happen. If the opportunity for love strikes in your 20's, and you hold off till your mid-30s because there's some rule that you have to wait till your career is at a certain point before you can have a kid, you are an idiot. I'm not saying go back to the 1950s, I'm saying, look, it's hard to find a good guy so increase your chances by starting at an early age, just like you do for your job.

So how do you do all things at once and still do them well?

For me, my career would be nothing if I didn't have kids that have grown through it with me. You don't need to have your career first then have kids and keep them in separate boxes. Think of them of them as a set of cultivating experiences that can interrelate in a challenging, tough and incredibly fulfilling way. If you want to nurture the career, your kids will survive. If you love the work, if it's true to your identity, you will be a more cultivated, happier person and that's good for the kids. You're growing yourself for them.

You wrote that after you fell with your baby daughter you re-evaluated your life and got more childcare. Why is it so hard for women to ask for help?

I think we as mothers who work feel a tremendous friction in our own minds about transferring the authority over our children to someone else. We feel guilty about it and we're control freaks. We leave the house and think, "Are they doing it right?" But you have to let go. I learned that by making the worst mistake of my life. I wanted to show the world I could be supermom and have this amazing network job. I wanted to be all things to all people. I learned after the accident with Carlie -- which was the worst way to have to learn a lesson because that accident was my fault -- that if I'm going to work, that there are times I have got to let people help.

Is it difficult to switch into mom mode after work?

There are times when I work for three days straight and I barely see my daughters. I just kiss them good night because I'm better off not seeing them because it's hard for me to transition. Then I'll throw myself into them for like 36 hours. I know that's very unpredictable for them, and guess what, that's my household.

You're in amazing shape. How do you manage that on top of work and your family?

I get home and I'm dead tired -- I've been up since 3:30 in the morning, and I want to sleep so badly -- but I've got to jog at least a few miles and I'll have a little less time with the kids but I will have run and I'll feel better with them. Exercise is essential for me. No excuses. Do you need to look like a supermodel? No. But do you want to feel exhausted and overweight for your husband and your kids and your job? Is that the best way to present yourself? No.

Any advice for new moms who are going back to work?

First: Put away the guilt. You're going back to work, face it and get the job done. Stop with the tears. Celebrate it. You're doing this not only for yourself, but for your kids. Second: Don't try to overcompensate when you come home. Work on your time management realistically. And take care of yourself. Do not let yourself fall apart because you will pay for that in the end and so will your kids and your marriage.

Do you have guilt about being a working mom -- and how do you deal with it?


MY THOUGHTS

I'm not a mom but i know how difficult it is to try and balance work and personal concerns. Taking care of things all at once is not a good idea. In my book, the best is still to compartmentalize and concentrate - one thing at a time. I found out that if I work really hard on workdays, I can have quality time for myself and my family on weekends. Of course, it doesn't always happen that way. But work on weekends or personal concerns on workweeks is more of an exception. The thing is, the more effective you are at work, the more you find yourself effective at home.




http://www.ivillage.com/msnbcs-mika-brzezinski-why-working-moms-should-stop-feeling-guilty/1-a-75134?nlcid=in|01-28-2010|

Monday, January 24, 2011

LESSONS FOR A SON

Lessons for a son, just in case
By Jonathan Comey
First Person
January 23, 2011 12:00 AM

I had fairly major surgery a few months ago and, in the nights before the procedure, my mind naturally turned to all of the complications that could ensue.

Especially what I privately referred to, in my own dark way, as the "ultimate complication."

With these thoughts came other thoughts, mostly about my son. When I was a boy, I'd sometimes happen across sealed letters from my mother with my name written on the front. I was told that these were in the event of "¦ well, in the event of ultimate complications.

I never had the urge to read these letters, and scoffed at them in my blissful ignorance, but as the date of that surgery neared 30 years later, I understood my mom completely. Most of raising a child is a mix of maintenance and mischief, but the goal of every parent is for their kids to grow up with a set of values that will serve them well, values that will give them a chance at success, happiness and understanding.

And so, for the first time, I asked myself: What did I want to teach my son about the world if, by chance, I was no longer in it?

Be kind to other people.

Be loyal and cautious. Never stop having fun.

Enjoy all different types of weather. Stay up late during a blizzard or a thunderstorm or a hot summer's night, watch the sky and mull over the meaning of it all.

Always remember that as an American you were born luckier, freer, healthier and more privileged than almost all of the people on earth. It might not always seem so, but most don't have what you take for granted.

Eat anything you want as long as it's in moderation. This is better for you physically and mentally. Don't drink too much. Drugs and cigarettes are very hard to quit and you will eventually want to quit them in the worst way. Don't start.

Try not to judge others. Everyone is shaped by their environment and genetics in ways they can't control. Look for the best parts of people.

Be friendly to older people. They love it. It restores their faith in humanity.

Wear your seatbelt, and never drive drunk. Be a designated driver for others.

The true joy of life is bringing joy to others. Sometimes this can feel like a burden, but it's worth it.

Don't let your friendships fall apart. Once you've made a friend, they feel kinship with you for life, whether they try to keep it alive or not. This also sometimes feels like a burden, but is worth it.

Don't dwell on what should be. Deal with what is and how to make the most of it.

Don't be afraid to commit to love. Focus on what you love about your spouse and not what you don't. Accept that monogamy is difficult.

Don't sweat politics. You can't change the system, and you don't really know what's going on anyway. Put your trust in the people who seem the most real, and hope for the best.

Stay away from war at all costs. Do not join the fight unless the cause is so blindingly just that you have no other choice. Support your country at all times. Don't bash the president. He or she is doing the best they can.

Enjoy as many different types of music, movies and games as you can. There's something wonderful in all of it.

You're never quite as good at things as you think you are, but that's OK. Shooting high usually produces a good result, even if it leaves you feeling unfulfilled.

Grandparents are special in ways that your parents aren't. Let them spoil you, but never be ungrateful.

Don't keep secrets. It's hard to tell the truth sometimes, but secrets make you feel worse.

Be really careful on bicycles and in cars. They are super dangerous.

There is some type of higher power, but I don't know what it is. The unknown can be scary. You'll spend a lot of nights thinking about what it all means, and that's not bad. The mornings will follow.

When people you love die, always keep pictures of them close. It's not easy, knowing they're not around, but your memories can be the next best thing. Talk to them. They are still with you.

Finally, and most importantly: Have kids. It's scary, and it always threatens to break your heart and it's frustrating and it's tiring and it'll clean out your bank account and it'll sometimes make you absolutely crazy "¦ but it's the best part of life.

Jonathan Comey is sports editor of The Standard-Times.

MY THOUGHTS

i don't know why i'm sharing this. maybe because i sometimes think of writing to some people, just in case.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Chinese adults can't take parents' money

Now, Chinese adults can't take parents' money
IANS
Posted on Jan 22, 2011 at 05:14pm IST

Shanghai: In a bid to ensure elderly persons' social welfare, parents in an east China province have been empowered by a new law to decline their adult children's monetary demands.

The People's Congress of Jiangsu province passed an ordinance Friday which forbids adult children from demanding money or belongings from their parents in a forcible way, China Daily reported Saturday.

The provision is widely seen as an attempt to discourage the NEET group - a name used to refer collectively to young people who chose to live off their parents rather than seek steady employment, attend school or enroll in special training.

Zhao Jianyang, director of the administrative law department, Law Committee of the Standing Committee of the People's Congress of Jiangsu, said: "The right conferred on elderly parents to refuse requests for financial support will help parents who have children in the NEET group."

The provision, the first of its kind in China, contains an important caveat - children will not be violating the law if they obtain financial assistance from parents who are willing to lend a hand.

It's part of an ordinance designed to protect the rights of the elderly (those over 60 years old) in Jiangsu.

The ordinance, however, encourages adult children to make regular visits to their parents' homes and take care of their elderly parents.

In one of several recent trends in China, more young people have adopted the NEET lifestyle as a means of leading a more comfortable existence.

According to the statistics released by the China Research Center on Aging last year, up to 30 percent of young people fall into the NEET category and 65 percent of families must contend with NEET children.

The new provision has drawn varying reactions.

Gao Jianming, a 55-year-old teacher in Xuzhou, Jiangsu province, said the provision will benefit him and his ilk.

"I've noticed the NEET problem among my friends whose children are too dependent on their parents, which is wrong. Parents should have the right to enjoy their elderly years with their own money," said Gao.

He also said that the society will benefit from the call for adult children to pay regular visits to their parents.

Jiang Xuelai, a 25-year-old private employee in Wuxi, Jiangsu province, said: "The regulation will likely lead to discord in families and disputes on financial issues."

MY THOUGHTS

we find laws like this to be too invasive. and yet, such laws would not have been enforced, much less thought of, if there was no need for it. the problem with us is we want to be free of restrictions. and it's our immature view of freedom that prompts the need for us to be restricted. maybe we should copy china. maybe there should be a law against parasite children who exploits their parents. and maybe there should be a law against parents who continue to make parasites out of their children.

Friday, January 21, 2011

How to End Sibling Feuds

How to End Sibling Feuds
By Judy Ford, eHow Contributor

Are you tired playing referee between sibling squabbles? Do you sometimes find yourself yelling, "cut it out," to stop your kids from yelling at each other? Sibling rivalry is unavoidable in family life, however helping the kids learn to settle their own conflicts will get you out of the middle. When siblings are teasing one other, bickering over the toys, or fighting about who gets the biggest cookie, it's time to take the battle ground to the peace table. With coaching from you even toddlers can begin settling quarrels with friendly negotiations.

Instructions

1

Look for the underlying cause. To minimize your kid's quarreling recognize what is triggering the outbursts. Is your child tired, hungry, feeling left out, needing more of your attention, or bored? If you suspect that this may be the cause, ask, "What can we do to make things better?'

2

Encourage siblings to talk about what's going on. Talking things through eliminates sulking and whining. You might ask: "I wonder what started this fight? or "Are you willing to tell me what happened?" Or simply say: "Let's talk about it at the peace table."

3

Sit at the peace table. A peace table is a designated spot where everyone can talk with out being interrupted. Each child takes a turn explaining what happened. The peace table is a safe place where everyone gets a chance to be heard.

4

Remind the kids about the rules of conduct: no name calling, no hitting, no shoving allowed. At the peace table everyone gets a turn to listen and a turn to talk.

5

Let all the kids suggest a solution. Don't underestimate kids ability to solve the problems. As the parent you are the leader in the negotiation. Ask each child, "What is your solution?" Remember conflicts are not all bad. In fact solving a disagreement often brings kids closer. Tell the kids, "I know you will figure this out." Tell them that you are glad that they are learning to solve conflicts by negotiating.

6

Don't force togetherness. While it is okay to encourage siblings to share their possessions and toys, it is not okay to force. Forcing causes resentments which leads to more bickering later.
7

Give genuine approval when they work things through and cooperate.


Tips & Warnings

The more you can teach children to solve their own conflicts, the quicker their fighting will end.

Be aware that your children are learning by observing and mimicking how you handle your disagreements.

MY THOUGHTS

that looks easy. try being the peacemaker between squabbling adult siblings. well, the peace table is such a good idea. having that early will probably reduce the adult squabbles.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

If You Don’t Design Your Future, Someone Else Will

Warning: If You Don’t Design Your Future, Someone Else Will

One day, a man came up to me and invited me to speak to their company.
When he told me the date of their conference, I told them I couldn’t make it.
He asked if I could speak the following year, and I declined it too.
He asked if I could speak the year after that—and I said my calendar was still booked for the date.
He asked, “Can we invite you to speak to our group in 2013?”
I began to laugh.
This was getting to be embarrassing.
But the man in front of me wasn’t laughing.
“Bo, I’m serious. You turned down our invitation for 2010, 2011, and 2012. Don’t tell me you’re booked for 2013?”
Here’s the truth: Yes, I was booked.
Some of my appointments are booked until the day I die.
For example?
If you ask me, “Bo, what will you be doing on Tuesday nights in the year 2025?” I’ll answer, “Having dates with my lovely wife.”
How do I know?
Since we got married 12 years ago, I’ve given my Tuesday nights to her.
Having weekly dates with her has been the bedrock of our marriage. Our lifesaver. Our refreshment. Our bond. Our joy.
I also have weekly dates with my 2 boys on Monday afternoon.
I have weekly lunches with my 85-year old Mom on Wednesdays.
These are my non-negotiable appointments in my life.
That’s why my relationships are strong. Vibrant. Life-giving.
That’s why my family life is tight.
I set these appointments for years—no, for decades—in advance.
Why?
Because if you’re not going to design your future, someone else will.

Don’t Let Thieves Steal Away Your Family’s Future

There are thieves that want to steal away your family life.
Thieves like Busyness.
Hurry-titis. (An epidemic today!)
Materialism.
TV addiction.
Selfishness.
Adultery.
Money problems.
Protect your family!
How? Next to God, make your family first.

I’d like to personally invite you to take my 7-Session Online Course, Relationship Reborn. You don’t have to go anywhere. From the comfort of your homes, you can listen or watch me talk about what you can do to enrich your family life. Yes, you can have a great marriage. Yes, you can have a great relationship with your kids.
Don’t leave it to chance. To design the future of your family life, log on at www.FamilyReborn.com now.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez

PS. Protect your Family Life. What kind of future do you want? To design your future for your family, log on at www.FamilyReborn.com now.

MY THOUGHTS

what kind of thieves do you have? we see them all over. inside our homes. in other homes. what's sad is, we don't even know they are thieves. we think we're being busy for our loved ones, working hard so we can provide for them. only to find that, in out business, in our desire to provide the material things, we have failed to protect our relationships with them. think about this now. before it's too late.

Friday, January 7, 2011

DR. WILLIAM PETIT ON THE UNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDY IN CONNECTICUT

IN HIS FIRST INTERVIEW: GRIEVING HUSBAND AND FATHER DR. WILLIAM PETIT ON THE UNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDY IN CONNECTICUT

In one of the most horrific crimes in recent memory, the Petit family was destroyed during an unimaginable night of evil that left people across the country gasping in horror. Three years later, Oprah visits Dr. William Petit at his parents' Connecticut home to talk about the tragic loss of his family and the strength he found to move forward.

Dr. Petit had been married to his wife, Jennifer, a nurse, for 22 years. Their 17-year-old daughter Hayley was captain of her high school basketball team and headed to Dartmouth College in the fall. Eleven-year-old Michaela loved to cook and was just starting to come into her own.

On a Sunday morning in July 2007, the close-knit Petit family attended church services in their Connecticut suburb like they usually did. The beautiful weather and typical summer day gave no premonition of the terror about to take place.

According to police, a convicted felon who was out on parole randomly spotted Jennifer and Michaela at a neighborhood convenience store. After following them home, 44-year-old Steven Hayes and 26-year-old Joshua Komisarjevsky allegedly plotted out a horrific home invasion.

Michaela cooked Sunday dinner for her family that night, and Dr. Petit fell asleep reading the paper while the girls watched television and headed off to bed.

At 3 a.m., the two armed intruders broke in. Dr. Petit was the first victim, bludgeoned with a baseball bat and tied unconscious to a pole in the basement. Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela were bound to their beds and tortured throughout the night.

At daybreak, Jennifer was forced to go to a bank and withdraw money for her kidnappers. She slipped a note to the bank teller explaining her family's hostage situation and withdrew $15,000, desperately hoping it would save her family's lives.

Instead, the unthinkable happened. Michaela was allegedly sexually assaulted while tied to her childhood bed. Just minutes after returning from the bank with the money, Jennifer was raped and strangled to death. Her body and the house were doused with gasoline.

Meanwhile, Dr. Petit woke up in the basement. With his feet still bound, he hopped up the stairs and crawled across the yard to a neighbor's house to get help—but it was too late. The Petits' home quickly went up in flames. Hayley managed to free herself from her restraints but died at the top of the stairs from smoke inhalation. Michaela died still bound to her bed. Their mother's body was burned beyond recognition.

"I went to sleep one night in a nice home with a loving family and basically awakened in an emergency room naked on a gurney with no clothes, no family, no home," Dr. Petit says. "Everything was gone."

According to police, just minutes after the house set on fire, Hayes and Komisarjevsky stole the family's minivan and crashed head-on into a police roadblock while trying to flee the gruesome scene.

Although it was extremely difficult, Dr. Petit was present every day of Steven Hayes' trial. "I was the only face left in our family, so I needed to be there," he says. Dr. Petit says he left the room during the medical examiner's reports. "Too much to hear. I cried," he says.

More than three years after the murders, Hayes was convicted on all counts except arson and sentenced to death. After the verdict was given, Dr. Petit spoke from outside the courthouse. "This is a verdict for justice," he said. "I think the defendant faces far more serious punishment from the Lord than he can ever face from mankind."

Jury selection for the trial of Hayes' alleged co-conspirator, Komisarjevsky, is expected to begin in February 2011. Kominsarjevsky has pled not guilty to all charges.

Oprah: Was there any satisfaction for you [in Hayes] getting the death penalty as a sentence?

Dr. Petit: Just the satisfaction that I think it's the appropriate penalty. I think God wants us to hate evil. I think God tells us to abide by man's law.

Oprah: How did it feel to you to sit in that courtroom every day and have your family referred to as "the victims" or "alleged victims" and have the perpetrator of this crime referred to by his name every day?

Dr. Petit: It's the death by a thousand paper cuts. You're absolutely right. You sit there and they talk about the "alleged victims." And I always think, "I will drive you to the cemetery and show you the 'alleged victims.'" You know? The decedents. You want to jump up and say: "They have names. They're people. Their names were Jennifer and Hayley and Michaela."

Although the media has been fixated on how the Petit women died, Dr. Petit wants the world to remember how they lived. Jennifer Hawke met Dr. Petit in 1981 when he was a doctor and she was a pediatric nurse at the same hospital. They married four years later and had two daughters. Jennifer suffered from multiple sclerosis, but those who knew her say she never complained.

Family and friends say Jennifer loved being a mother and raising her girls and was also a second mom to students at the boarding school where she worked. "The boarding school life, there are a lot of kids from far away," Dr. Petit says. "So she spent a lot of time with the kids—part nurse and part mother."

Dr. Petit has not returned to his medical practice since losing his family, but he thinks Jennifer would want him to. "She'd probably want me to go back to medicine," he says. "Wives are prejudiced. She said I was the smartest guy she ever knew."

Jennifer and Dr. Petit's oldest daughter, Hayley, excelled in school and served as co-captain of both her high school basketball and rowing teams. She was an "A" student and was headed to prestigious Dartmouth College with dreams of becoming a doctor like her father. Hayley wrote her college admissions essay about her dad, who gave her her first doctor's bag at the age of 4.

Hayley was a caring big sister and a natural leader. She started Hayley's Hope, an organization to raise money for multiple sclerosis in hopes of saving her mom.

In Dr. Petit's impact statement, he said one of the things he will regret most is that Hayley didn't live to have a one true love. Hayley was not dating, but Dr. Petit says he knows there was one boy who was very special to her. "He's a wonderful kid," he says. "He's a varsity basketball player, and I think she loved him."

Michaela, the Petits' youngest daughter, was also known as KK Rosebud, a special nickname her dad gave her. She was a sixth-grader who loved to dance and jump on the trampoline. She had a talent for gardening, and although she was just 11 years old, her true passion was cooking. Dr. Petit says Michaela loved to watch the Food Network and cooked the family's last meal, bruschetta and pasta.

Michaela's favorite quote was: "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

At his family's memorial service, Dr. Petit says he had a strong need to speak for Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela. "If there's anything to be gained from the senseless deaths of my beautiful family, it's for us to all go forward," he said. "Help a neighbor, fight for a cause, love your family."

Oprah: Are you able to think of their life and the fullness of their life? Or are you still more focused on the day they died and how they died?

Dr. Petit: There's some of both. The daytime's easier to focus on positive things. Falling asleep and waking up are the hardest times. The transitions from sleep to wakefulness. It pretty much comes back every day.

Oprah: Do you fear going to sleep?

Dr. Petit: In the beginning, I feared sleeping. ... I was completely fried. I was just walking around in a daze, and just intrusive thoughts banging into your brain every second, every minute, where you're playing events over and over and over again in your mind.

Dr. Petit's extended family is as close as families get. His sister Hanna Chapman was best friends with Jennifer. And Hanna always treated her brother's daughters like they were her own children.

When police needed someone to identify the bodies of Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela, they asked Hanna and Dr. Petit's brother Glenn to go. Hanna says she still struggles with what she saw at the police station. "On top of my pain, I have the horrid images of the torture that they suffered for seven hours in that house, in their sanctuary, in their bedrooms in the middle of the night in the dark," she says. "I can't help but think what they were thinking, or what they were saying, and what they were praying for."

Despite the emotional toll of identifying her family members' bodies—Jennifer's was so disfigured she had to be identified using dental records—Hanna says she doesn't have second thoughts about agreeing to the request. "I don't regret having done it; I regret having to do it," she says. "I regret that they asked any one of us to do it. I regret the fact that this evil came into their home."

Dr. Petit says some people have tried to help him cope with grief by advising him to live in the moment. "I thought, 'That's okay for people who have a past they can touch and a future they can dream for,'" he says. "But when you feel like a lot of your past is gone and there's no future, the present loses some meaning."

Instead, Dr. Petit says he has found a reason to keep living—though he says he thought about suicide—through religion and faith. "I thought in the afterlife if I was going to meet up with my family, if I did that, then maybe I would never meet up with them again," he says. "I wasn't willing to take that chance."

Oprah: Will there ever be closure for you?

Dr. Petit: I don't think there's ever closure. I just...I don't think there is. People will probably argue with me, but I just don't think you can lose your whole family and have closure. Like I said, there's a jagged hole in your heart, there's a jagged hole in your soul. Over time, the waves of goodness going back and forth maybe smooth the jagged edges a little bit, but the hole remains. I don't think you fill it in. Forty months later, that's how I feel.

Started with money donated by friends, community members and complete strangers, the Petit Family Foundation preserves the memory of Jennifer, Hayley and Michaela by promoting causes the Petit women held close to their hearts. So far, the foundation has raised more than $1.5 million.

"What we are trying to do is to fund educational programs, especially in the sciences, and hopefully that will help young women," Dr. Petit says. "Secondly, to help perhaps with the educational aspects of some chronic illnesses like multiple sclerosis—that Jen had—and certainly to help those affected by violence."

Dr. Petit says the foundation has helped him see that the world is not only darkness and evil. "It makes me feel that there are really a lot of good people in the world that reach out," he says. "You know, somebody from California wrote in and said: 'Here's my check for $500. This is for scholarships for women. You're going to get this from me every year until the day I die because of your daughter Hayley.'"

MY THOUGHTS

i thought the vizconde case was bad enough. this certainly is worse. except, of course, dr.petit got justice. but he's right, in time, he will heal. but there will always be a hole. i don't really have much to say. what can you say when something like this happens.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Learn about Holywood Parenting

RIE: Is Hollywood's Latest Parenting Trend Wacky or Smart?
Jenna McCarthy ON Nov 2, 2010 at 12:36PM

There’s a new parenting trend in Hollywood, and for once it has nothing to do with giving your child a wacky name or parading her around town in a stroller that costs as much as a car. RIE, short for Resources for Infant Educarers and pronounced like "wry" (ironic!), is all about getting back to basics and creating an infant-oriented environment devoid of blinking, beeping, buzzing toys and parents who are inclined to swoop in at the first sign of tears. (Famous followers reportedly include Jamie Lee Curtis, Helen Hunt, Tobey Maguire and Felicity Huffman.) The RIE approach, proponents insist, helps raise children who are competent, confident, curious, cooperative, cheerful and aware.

Of course, RIE isn’t new. It was founded in the 1970s by an infant educator and a pediatric neurologist and, admittedly, lots of things about the parenting approach make sense. For instance, followers eschew fancy gadgets, pointing out that busy toys produce passive children who are destined to become tiny TV addicts. Instead, RIE-approved playthings include simple objects babies can use imaginatively in multiple ways, like stacking cups, empty water bottles and wooden spoons. Once the child is engaged, parents are taught to watch and respect the way he or she chooses to interact with a toy and not direct the play. Daily parenting duties -- think diapering, changing, feeding -- are viewed as opportunities to engage and instruct, not tedious roadblocks to playtime.

On the other hand, there are some aspects of RIE that could make it challenging to execute flawlessly. For instance, parents are encouraged not to immediately console a sobbing tot but to view a baby’s cries as intelligent, meaningful communication in need of deciphering. Which is all kinds of enlightened and fabulous in theory -- until you’ve got a career-making conference call or other children sleeping nearby. Similarly, while I agree that the RIE motto “never disturb a contented baby” makes a nice wall plaque, when you’ve got to get another kid to soccer practice, dinner is burning on the stove and the UPS guy is banging on the screen door demanding a signature, sometimes baby’s precious contentment is going to have to be disturbed.

There isn’t much opposition to RIE, save for a few claims that some advocates take the approach to extremes (No singing? No dancing? Didn’t these people see what happened when they tried to ban those in Footloose?), and that even in moderation, notions like “never disturb a contented baby” can be wildly inconvenient. Sort of like parenting in general.

MY THOUGHTS

anything extreme is bad. so, whether your a holywood parent or not, there are some RIE principles that should be taken seriously while some should be discarded.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

What Cavemen Knew About Parenting

What Cavemen Knew About Parenting (That We Don’t)
Jenna McCarthy ON Sep 24, 2010 at 3:59PM

Most modern, educated moms and dads are hell-bent on raising their children to be smart, sane and successful. We fill our homes with educational toys and props, shuffle our young from bouncy-seat to play mat to swing to keep them engaged, do our best to breastfeed for as many months as we can (unless we have a really good reason not to), and embrace tough-love practices like “crying it out” to foster independence and teach critical skills like self-soothing and falling asleep. Apparently, we’re doing it all wrong.

When researchers at Notre Dame compiled the results of a study looking at why our Neolithic ancestors had more intelligent, happier, better-behaved kids than we do, they came up with a laundry list of the cavemoms’ winning ways. Among them: Breastfeeding for at least two to five years (something most people today would consider “extreme”), immediate response to baby’s cries, constant carrying and natural, drug-free deliveries.

On a positive note, having multiple adult caregivers beyond mom and dad was considered a plus (I’m hoping preschool counts here), along with exposure to multi-age playmates (I gave the first kid a sister; was that enough?).

If you’re pregnant or considering adding to your brood, this is good information to have. But honestly, I’m glad I didn’t have it back when I would have known how much potential damage I was doing to my kids -- or else I would have felt compelled to have them both strapped to me at all times.

MY THOUGHTS

breastfeeding for 5 years? better plan the family well. if you have 2-3 kids one after the other, you won't have time to do anything else but breastfeed!!! but then, what else is there to do for a cavemom?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

5 Ways Parents Can Help With Homework

5 Ways Parents Can Help With Homework
Things Teachers Wish Parents Would Do to Help With Homework
By Amanda Morin, About.com Contributing Writer

It's not just your kids who need your help with homework; teachers need your help too. While you may have prepared at home by setting up a homework space, coming up with a homework plan and a plan to make sure it gets into the teacher's hands, there are a few other, more subtle things that your child's teacher needs you to do for homework to be successful.

What You Need to Know About Homework
•Read the homework policy. Teachers know that parents feel like they are drowning in all the paperwork that comes home from school and, if they can help it, won't add unnecessary notices to the pile. However, the homework policy is a memo that parents really ought to read to avoid questions and confusions further down the line. Homework policies outline the important details such as whether or not an assignment will be accepted late, what percentage of your child's grade is based on homework, what resources are considered acceptable for research or even whether assignments need to be written in pen or pencil.

•Ask your child daily about homework. Many students forget to write down homework assignments or wait until the last minute to complete a long-term project. Asking every day about your child's homework (and framing the question so you get more than "Yeah, I have homework") not only shows your child you're invested in his academic success, but also gives you a chance to run him back to school for books he may need, provide help with a tough assignment or help him plan out a schedule for approaching for a long-term project.

•Talk to the teacher if your child is spending too much time on or struggling with assignments. Believe it or not, your child's teacher doesn't want her to spend hours toiling over her homework. The assignment should, for the most part, be practicing a skill she's already learned, preparing for the next day's class or a test or working on a project that goes hand-in-hand with something being learned in class. Homework really shouldn't be that hard and if your child's teacher is sticking to the National Education Association's recommended 10-minute rule, shouldn't take much more than 10 minutes for each grade level she's finished. (i.e. first grade=10 minutes, second grade=20 minutes, etc.) If your child is struggling she may need some extra help or a specialized homework plan that reduces her amount of homework

•Supervise, brainstorm and encourage, but not create, your child's project. How many times have you seen a science fair project that you know is too sophisticated for a third grader to have done by himself? Your child's teacher has probably seen plenty of projects just like them. The point of a project is to teach students to plan, organize and present information all by themselves, not to have the best or most attractive finished product. It's okay to help come up with ideas and to buy supplies, but resist the urge to step in and simply be there for your child.

•Look over completed homework. This one's pretty self-explanatory. Check over your child's homework when he's done with it. The purpose is not only to make sure he's actually done it, but also to make sure it's been done well. Some children rush through assignments and make careless mistakes, while others may misunderstand the directions and do the assignment completely wrong. These are things a quick homework check can help to catch.

MY THOUGHTS

this is very important for us to realize. homeworks are supposed to be for the kids to practice what they already learned in school. teaching a new skill or principle is the teachers job. at home, we're supposed to provide more practice for retention. homeworks are alsoour windows to what's happening in school.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tips for Families: what's happening at day care

12 Things That Happen at Daycare That You Don't Know About, Mom

Your Child May Be Calling the Daycare Teachers “Mommy”
Your Child May Sit in a Wet Diaper for Longer Than She’s Used To
Hand Washing is Less of a Rule, More of a Happenstance
Children May Be Getting Their Teeth Brushed After Meals
Your Child Might be Watching TV
Your Child May Behave Very Differently at Daycare Than He Does at Home
The Child Care Instructors Are Trying to Wean Your Child Off the Blanket, Paci or Bottle
The Kids are Being Moved from Room to Room, So There is Never an Accurate Head Count Or a Consistent Student-to-Teacher Ratio
Unmarked Matching Sippy Cups are Often Confused with Each Other and Mixed Up
That Separation Anxiety Your Daughter Exhibited When You First Dropped Her Off? Not Even an Afterthought
A Staffer Is Using Certain Religious Terms with Your Child, or Teaching Him Religious Values
Daycare Workers are Often Underpaid and Required to Do Additional Work, So There Maybe a High Turnover

Kids, especially young ones, often transfer feelings of affection from one person to another -- and the language that goes with it. If your children spend all day with someone who is feeding them, changing them, hugging them and treating their boo-boos, it’s perfectly normal for your child to attach the name usually reserved for that role -- “mommy” -- to that person. Often the daycare worker will be embarrassed that she’s been given this name, however, and forgo telling the parent.

What to do: Don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean your child loves you less, or wants to pack a bag and move in with “Miss Kathy.” She may just be confused about who mommy really is. Consider it a bonus that your child is being well-cared for and loved.


You can sniff out a wet diaper -- or feel one -- almost upon impact, but in daycare your child might be sitting in a soggy nappie for an hour or two before it’s changed. Depending on the center, diapers may be changed every two to four hours -- which means if Little Mimi makes a wee-wee right after the Huggies have been checked, she’ll be damp for a while.

What to do: If your child is getting diaper rashes, your first line of defense is a heavy coating of diaper cream in the morning before drop off. Also, talk to your daycare provider -- often the changing schedules are simply guidelines, and the staff won’t mind giving your baby’s bum more frequent feel tests.


According to the medical journal, Infectious Diseases in Children, one-third of daycare facilities surveyed had "poor hand washing techniques and no policy for hand washing before eating or after playing outside." A sick child sucks his fingers (and who are we kidding? -- there are sick children in daycare), then puts those fingers on a toy, on a paintbrush, in the playdough, another child touches it and -- bingo! We’ve got a viral sniffle.

What to do: Inquire, inquire, inquire. Ask about hand-washing procedures and rules, and ask to see the sink where it all happens. Is there clean and available soap? Clean towels and proper waste disposal? Are workers required to wash hands after changing a diaper? Do the children scrub up before snacks and meals? There should be rules, and if there aren’t, offer to make some or ask that some be made.


Children May Be Getting Their Teeth Brushed After Meals Your Child Might be Watching TV
Your Child May Behave Very Differently at Daycare Than He Does at Home
In January, a Massachusetts law passed requiring daycare centers to help children brush their teeth after meals due to a recent study that found an increase in children's tooth decay. While the mandate isn’t exactly sweeping the nation, other centers are following suit. The centers even provide the brushes, caps and paste.

What to do: Enjoy the extra brushing! Even though the rule is to brush twice a day, in the morning and evening, some dentists also recommend a good cleaning after meals and snacks.


Your Child Might be Watching TV Your Child May Behave Very Differently at Daycare Than He Does at Home

What to do: Let everyone at the center know you want feedback -- good or bad. Otherwise, if the staff doesn't know you want details about tantrums, tears, or turmoil, you might be left in the dark.

Personnel have different shifts throughout the day, so you could drop off little Tommy smiling and placid, then and pick him up the same way -- but never talk to the staff member who, in the middle of the day, had to remove him from the lunch table because he didn’t like the color of his lunch-table chair. If she didn’t have time to write you a note describing the episode, you might never know about your kid's behavior glitches.

What to do: Let everyone at the center know you want feedback -- good or bad. Otherwise, if the staff doesn't know you want details about tantrums, tears, or turmoil, you might be left in the dark.

Some daycare centers don’t allow bottles or blankets because they carry germs, are extra things to keep track of and are often a crutch for socializing. Parents usually consider this a bonus -- and appreciate the help in weaning their kid off the ba-ba or paci completely.

What to do: Think your kid’s paci is a must-have transition tool that helps comfort him or her in your absence? Then be sure to inquire about or pick a daycare center that allows pacifiers, bottles, blankets or stuffies. However, try not to alleviate separation anxiety with a new item -- especially the paci -- it can be harder to give up as your kid gets older.


The Kids are Being Moved from Room to Room, So There is Never an Accurate Head Count Or a Consistent Student-to-Teacher Ratio Unmarked Matching Sippy Cups are Often Confused with Each Other and Mixed Up
That Separation Anxiety Your Daughter Exhibited When You First Dropped Her Off? Not Even an Afterthought
A Staffer Is Using Certain Religious Terms with Your Child, or Teaching Him Religious Values
Daycare Workers are Often Underpaid and Required to Do Additional Work, So There Maybe a High Turnover
Kids, especially young ones, often transfer feelings of affection from one person to another -- and the language that goes with it. If your children spend all day with someone who is feeding them, changing them, hugging them and treating their boo-boos, it’s perfectly normal for your child to attach the name usually reserved for that role -- “mommy” -- to that person. Often the daycare worker will be embarrassed that she’s been given this name, however, and forgo telling the parent.

What to do: Don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean your child loves you less, or wants to pack a bag and move in with “Miss Kathy.” She may just be confused about who mommy really is. Consider it a bonus that your child is being well-cared for and loved.
Filed Under: child care, day care
You can sniff out a wet diaper -- or feel one -- almost upon impact, but in daycare your child might be sitting in a soggy nappie for an hour or two before it’s changed. Depending on the center, diapers may be changed every two to four hours -- which means if Little Mimi makes a wee-wee right after the Huggies have been checked, she’ll be damp for a while.

According to the medical journal, Infectious Diseases in Children, one-third of daycare facilities surveyed had "poor hand washing techniques and no policy for hand washing before eating or after playing outside." A sick child sucks his fingers (and who are we kidding? -- there are sick children in daycare), then puts those fingers on a toy, on a paintbrush, in the playdough, another child touches it and -- bingo! We’ve got a viral sniffle.

Stacey Bradford, a mother in New York City with two daughters, ages four and 10 months, discovered that her first daycare center was violating a state health code that limited each classroom to 10 children in the under-2 age group (ratios vary from state to state, and from at-home daycares to larger ones). “I realized that there were 18 children at times, but they were being moved from room to room so you couldn’t tell how many there were,” she says.

What to do: Drop in at unexpected times, without warning to check the ratio of your daycare. You can say, "I just wanted to say hi to Stella!" Count the teachers and the children in the room and if the numbers are out of whack, speak to the director. If the problem continues? Look elsewhere. “You can find quality places that will take care good of your child and follow the rules,” says Bradford.

Unmarked Matching Sippy Cups are Often Confused with Each Other and Mixed Up

Some centers provide sippy cups for the children to make it easier for parents to pack up and get out the door in the morning. Sometimes they're matching and unmarked. The toddler snack table can be chaotic sometimes, and another kid might pick up another child’s cup and take a sip -- and we all know how quickly an object can travel from a gimme-gimme hand to a drooling mouth.

What to do: Ask if you can leave a labeled cup at the school for your child (also offer to take it home at night to wash it). This will ensure that at the least your kid will be given the same cup every day. Now, if only we could control those little snatchers...

The person who took your crying, kicking child from your arms in the morning may not be the one who signs her out to you in the afternoon. So you wonder -- how long did the crying last? Often no time at all -- the minute you hit the door she was off playing and laughing with friends. You leave the daycare with the image of her forlorn face and end up thinking that's how she looks all day. When in fact she does an immediate 180 and plays her heart out until you pick her up.

What to do: Call the center when you get to work and ask how your kid is doing. Most of the time, you’ll hear that your child started whistling Dixie the minute you drove away. If not, you can continue to check in and won’t have to wonder.

A Staffer Is Using Certain Religious Terms with Your Child, or Teaching Him Religious Values Daycare Workers are Often Underpaid and Required to Do Additional Work, So There Maybe a High Turnover

What to do: Certain companies such as KinderView based in Boston, Mass., will place cameras in daycare centers that parents can watch from any computer during the day. Many daycares are welcoming these cameras into their centers because they put parents at ease, and parents enjoy the audio/visual connection they get. They are also able to spot any practices or behaviors that make them uncomfortable -- either from the staff or the children. Knowing you’re watching will put them on their best behavior, and make the staff more open to feedback. There might be a logical explanation or reason for any behavior you might find sketchy.

Daycare Workers are Often Underpaid and Required to Do Additional Work, So There Maybe a High Turnover

Daycare workers make an average of $7 to $10 per hour, less than their counterparts who participate in "back to college" programs, says Sara Lisa Raff, an educational consultant and early childhood education instructor for a “back to college” program. Raff says she sees very high turnover in childcare staff. “I knew of one daycare that had almost no cleaning staff and left the teachers to do much of the cleaning during after school hours,” she says.

What to do: The staff is arguably the most important factor when choosing a daycare. Talk to the director and all the personnel and ask how long they’ve been there, and get a feel for how much they really like their jobs. Ask if they give bonuses, their vacation and benefits policies and any other indications of morale. Based on their answers, you can decide if that specific daycare will give your child a sense of security and consistency.

MY THOUGHTS

i can imagine how difficult it could be to leave your child in the hands of stangers - even if they are professional hands. the advice in this article are meant to lessen our anxiety.it pays to take heed.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Children's Allowance: when and how to pay

Children’s Allowance: What and When to Pay
By Ray Martin | Jun 30, 2010 |

School’s out. Summer vacation means more trips to the movies, fun parks, and the malls. This also means a sudden spike in spending by children making these trips.

To help manage this, I am a big fan of paying an allowance. It’s also one of the best ways I know to engage children in the process of making good spending and saving decisions. An allowance can be a great tool to build a foundation for sound financial behavior in the future.

But if you do pay an allowance, what is the right amount to pay? What do you pay an allowance for? How often should you pay and when should you stop?

Of course, not all families provide an allowance. The decision to do so depends on personal and economic circumstances. I also respect the choice made by some families to not pay an allowance. Since there seems to be a wide variety of thoughts and opinions on this issue, it’s helpful to consider these things if you do provide an allowance or money to your kids:

Teaching Big Lessons with Small Money

One of the reasons to pay an allowance is to use it as a tool to engage children in the process of learning about spending, saving, and giving. Paying an allowance provides a way to get children involved and creates “ownership” of the decisions they make when it’s with their own money. It’s also important to look at an allowance as a tool to allow children to make some money mistakes. In fact, expect them to make some. In essence it is a way for them to learn big lessons with small amounts of money at an early age. It’s better to learn from money mistakes earlier with small amounts of money than to learn later in life when the amounts involved can be much larger.

When to Start

Most parents begin giving an allowance to their kids by age six to eight. But I say it’s the aptitude not the age that really matters. When your child begins to understand that money can be exchanged for things they want, then you will know it’s time to start discussing the concept of an allowance. Remember that money and paying for things is an abstract concept and some children will show an interest while others will not be so flexible. One of the benefits is that an allowance shifts the spending decisions from the parents to the children, particularly when it’s clearly communicated that the allowance is provided in lieu of the parents paying for the discretionary wants of their child.

What NOT to Pay For

It’s important to be aware of the behavior that this transaction can encourage. For example, if you pay your kids an allowance for doing household chores then what happens when they later begin to earn more money from a job outside the home? Is the only consequence for not doing chores the loss of an allowance? Experts agree that the reason for doing house work is the fulfillment of each individual’s responsibility as a household member, not an allowance.

Some parents think it’s a good idea to pay for good grades, which after all, is similar to how many adults are rewarded in their working lives. Again, most experts agree that paying for good grades is not a good idea and that this can undermine the virtue of self-improvement. A better consequence of a lack of effort on household chores or schoolwork should be the loss of privileges, not the loss of an allowance.

It’s also important to be consistent within the family. Paying a regular allowance to one child and handing over money whenever asked by another will foster different money habits between children in the same family.

What’s the Going Rate?

Surveys indicate that for over half of those children who report getting an allowance, the going rate is $5 to $20 per week. This site provides results of an ongoing survey that lists children’s allowance by age and gender.

The amount children are paid also increases with age. Start with smaller amounts with younger children and gradually raise the allowance each birthday. Amounts can also vary by the family’s economic situation. Children from families in areas where living costs or incomes are lower may receive lower amounts. Family size also matters. Where there are more kids, it may be impractical to pay “the going rate” to all children in a large family.

If you are paying an allowance in lieu of paying for some of your child’s discretionary expenses, a process to decide on the amount to pay is to estimate the cost of the things your child will assume the responsibility for, and base the allowance on the cost of these items. Approach this as a discussion of your child’s spending needs and work with them on a “spending budget” based on weekly or monthly expenses. This will prove to be an interesting conversation and both of you will need to come to an agreement on the final amount. This process helps to develop budgeting skills, teaches responsibility, and prepares them for the realities of personal money management.

To sum it up, here are a few simple but important rules for paying allowances:

Allowances DON’T’s:

Pay for household chores
Pay for grades or school work
Hold back as punishment
Allowances DO’s:

Explain and set Rules
Pay on schedule and on time
Allow for spending mistakes

MY THOUGHTS

"teaching big lessons with small money". i like that. i like that very much. reminds me of how much we learn from small things. of how much all those little things can make or break us. all those little things that we were mindful of. and of all those little things that we took for granted. at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter. life lessons are lessons. no matter how big. or small.